The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 29, 2017
We've been wondering why there has been a holdup in the search warrant for Roger Goodell's home. Replacement official Jerry Frump's dying confession was that Goodell gave him orders to feign his usual cowardice so that Ryan Mathews would suffer a Bountygate II-related injury nearly two weeks ago. There's been growing speculation that Goodell is the mastermind behind Bountygate II, yet Emmitt, the NFL's investigator, can't even talk to Goodell because the NFL commissioner is hiding in his estate.
"Roger Goldman makin' himselves look very suspicion. Very suspicion," said a frustrated Emmitt. "All I want to do is go to his house, search all his room, look in all his pocket, and put wire on his head and ask him question for the smoke detector test."
Goodell's lawyers may have something to say about the latter part, but Emmitt won't be able to do anything while the police drag their feet with the warrant paperwork. It hasn't been clear why they've taken so long, but the reason is now known - it's because the city is being run by replacement police officers.
"It's been terrible," said Amy Matthews, a female citizen in her 40s who happens to be married to a grocer. "They don't know any of the laws and they've gotten everything wrong."
And that's an understatement. The replacement police officers can't even differentiate the good guys from the criminals. In a recent bank robbery attempt, the police didn't even bother with hostage negotiations; instead, they charged through the front door as soon as they arrived on the scene of the crime. Rather than arresting the bank robbers, they cuffed the people who were held at gunpoint.
"No, the guys holding the guns were obviously the victims," said lieutenant Blaine Helliot. "The people at gunpoint looked scared, and studies have shown that people who look scared are often criminals."
That's far from the only mistake the replacement policemen have made this past week. Undercover replacement officer Will Shermansen infiltrated a major drug cartel. He had all of the vital information about all of the major players, but instead of arresting them, he recommended all of them for medals of honor.
"When I discovered that these people were selling drugs, it really made me respect them," Shermansen said. "Drugs help cure diseases, and it makes me proud as an American that these selfless people are willing to give out drugs at discounted prices to those in need. It almost makes me want to cry."
It's minor stuff too. Replacement police officers are pulling over speeding drivers and telling them to go faster. Drunk drivers were escorted to a bar and given free drinks. Even the replacement traffic cops are causing problems, as one purposely led a group of children into oncoming traffic. It's been absolute mayhem, but Mayor Ron Bing didn't sound concerned. On the contrary, he was pleased with all of the results.
"The replacement police officers I've brought in have shown great improvement," Bing said. "It's assuring to know we have such fine officers who can step in while the labor negotiating with the normal police officers are ongoing."
Why do we get the feeling that it'll take something colossal for Mayor Bing to change his mind?
POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 4, 2017
At one point, it seemed like the police strike would never end. There were so many bad arrests; so many clueless officers roaming the streets. Mayor Ron Bing, finally conceding that the replacement police force was doing a "less-than-perfect" job - his words; not ours - hired a city official to be stationed on every eighth block. As a result, the rate of correct arrests and ticket violations improved, but it cost everyone a tremendous amount of time.
"I was pulled over for going 46 in a 25," said Frank Lambert, a construction worker in his 40s. "I was late to a job, so I was hurrying. The officer had every right to pull me over, but he took seven freaking hours to write me a ticket because he had to confer with some city official guy six blocks down the street. I mean, come on! I lost a construction job because of him."
Lambert's not the only one who's been stressed out by this. Benjamin Ernst, an accountant, was fired from his job because a replacement police officer prevented him from coming into work one day.
"I was making a simple right-hand turn when a replacement officer pulled me over," Ernest said. "I asked him what the problem was, and he asked me to step out of the vehicle. He then handcuffed me and said that there are no right-hand turns allowed in the city. I asked him if a law had just passed prohibiting this, and that's when he read me my Miranda rights. He took me down to the station where I spent an entire night there. They finally let me go in the morning, telling me that they realized they made a mistake once they discussed my arrest with the city official. I guess now that I'm unemployed, there's no reason for me not to move to Arizona."
Fortunately, things are now back to normal. The police strike is finally over, meaning regular officers will now be roaming the streets again.
What as the camel that broke the straw's back, as Emmitt would ask? One horrifying incident in a football locker room.
There were rumors that Terry Mudusky had been raping little boys in the showers of the local football field locker room. The replacement officials raided the place. They found Mudusky and a little boy together in the showers. In an instant, one of the replacement officers pointed a gun at Mudusky, while another one aimed at the little boy. They then called in to the police station, asking for a review because they couldn't seem to make up their minds. Unfortunately, something like this cannot be reviewed, by rule, so they decided that the little boy should be placed under arrest. They then shot the boy in both knee caps, deeming him a flight risk.
Fortunately, the little boy was OK. Mayor Bing issued a press release hours later:
"I maintain full support for the replacement police officers. While there was some shoving on Mudusky's part that should have been addressed, I believe they made the right call in shooting and arresting the little boy."
This is did not go over well with the public, which was predictable considering that there was already such an outcry over this incident. A day later, the mayor's office struck an agreement with the real police officers, who received the 2-percent pay raise they were desperately seeking.
It feels good to have the real police force back to work. The streets are safer. There are no more ridiculous arrests. And the best part? Emmitt finally has his search warrant. He'll be at Roger Goodell's house in a matter of hours.
@weekend warrior Yeah like I don't think they are that far off like people think. To me you could always upgrade the line and make it better. Besides Thomas and Bitonio the rest are meh in my opinion. Maybe, Coleman turns out to be good, but you can never have too many good blockers in my mind.