The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 29, 2015
Everyone has a certain moment in their lives where they realize that they're not living in some sort of fantasy land. It could be when a child discovers that Santa Claus isn't real. Maybe it's when a kid walks in on their parents doing the nasty and then realizing that babies don't come from storks. Or perhaps it takes much longer, and a college graduate can't find a job and is facing the prospect of having no money and a ton of debt.
For Emmitt, this occurred yesterday when he and Broncos head coach Brad Childress engaged in a heated argument at a dual press conference.
Childress lashed out at Emmitt and expressed anger that Patriots quarterback Anthony Morelli wrote "8-0" on the side of a Denver building Tuesday night. What Childress didn't realize at the time was that Morelli wasn't predicting a New England victory and a subsequent improvement to 8-0; he was simply counting the number of beer pong games he won in a row.
"Eh yo, I win... uhh... one two three... uhh... eight games in a row of beer pong haha," Morelli said. "Haha I win all night, eh yo, so many I lost count... haha, huh? Eh yo."
Assuming Morelli was bragging about New England's early-season dominance and berating Denver's ineptness - the Broncos are currently 1-5 - Childress had some harsh words for Emmitt.
"Emmitt, my Broncos shall impale your Patriots, much like the Visigoth Empire slayed the Romans under the venerable Alaric the First," Childress said. "Of course, I will be praying as I enjoy my elixir of choice on this eve that this won't be like the Battle of Guadalete in which the Visigoths did not fathom the Berbers upon which the dominance of the Councils of Toledo and the episcopacy came to an unceremonious termination."
Emmitt, unable to understand what Childress was talking about - and he was not alone - lashed back at his former offensive coordinator.
"Brett Childish, you have done many foolhardy thing in your careerment in the Conference of Footballs," Emmitt said. "First, you say that Tardaris Jackson is the best quarterbacks in the conference. Then you make Brett Favre come back from unretirement twice in two season, and then you leave the Patriot to coach the Bronco, a team that cannot lose even if they wanted to. Your careerment have been debacled."
As soon as Emmitt said that final sentence, Childress broke out in laughter for about five minutes.
"Oh Emmitt, your inexplicable lack of grammar, punctuation and overall acumen never ceases to baffle me," a smug Childress said.
"I am confuse, very confuse," a confused Emmitt replied. "You say I do not has a acumen. But there is a Acumen shoppin' market around the corner from my house. You seem to have debacled your own argumentative."
"Acumen; not Acme," Childress snarled. "And stop saying 'debacled.' It's not even a real word!"
Now, Emmitt was the one laughing.
"I has been sayin' debacled all my lives, and even my daddy Emmitt Junior the Second have been sayin' debacled his entire lives," Emmitt said. "I will even proved it to you. I will go grab my son's Emmitt Smith IV the Fifth's dictionarysaurs and look up the word debacled."
Unfortunately, Emmitt's plan failed. He feverishly flipped through his son's dictionary for about 20 minutes, but predictably had no luck finding the word 'debacled.'
"I do not understand what have happening," Emmitt said. "I see the word 'debacle' in the dictionarysaurs, but 'debacled' nowhere to be founded. The people who make the dictionarysaurs very lazy if all the neededed to do was add a number 'D' at the end of the debacle word."
However, after searching through three other "dictionarysaurses," Emmitt finally realized that "debacled" is not a real word after all.
"'Debacled' not real worded," Emmitt continuously muttered to himself as he walked out of the press conference.
Two hours later, Emmitt called owner Bob Kraft and told him that he needed to skip the game in order to do some soul searching.
"Fine, whatever," Kraft shouted. "I just don't know why you had to interrupt my seventh dinner. Arby's is closing soon!"
With Emmitt excused for Sunday's game, the battery of offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell will have to coach New England to a victory.
PATRIOTS LUCK OUT; IMPROVE TO 8-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 2, 2015
It's not often that a 7-0 team is an underdog, but that was the case going into the Denver-New England game. The Vegas oddsmakers made the 1-5 Broncos a slight favorite because Emmitt took an unexpected leave of absence. The oddsmakers should have known better.
Unfortunately, there wasn't even a game. Childress arrived at Invesco Field with only two players, his trusty fullbacks Naufahu Tahi and Jeff Dugan. The officials ruled that Denver couldn't play with only two players, so the Broncos were forced to forfeit.
"It has come to my attention that we had 51 players on this team that had no desire to play within the system," Childress said in a failed attempt to explain his actions. "You can't fit a round peg into a square hole. I have to deal with everybody that is here in a team setting and so when they are here in a team setting, we will deal with it."
If you don't understand what Childress is talking about - and we certainly don't blame you if you're confused - Childress apparently was displeased by how his team was practicing and preparing for the game. So, he threw the players under the bus. We're not talking figuratively here; Childress literally hired several goons who tossed all but two of his players under a bus.
"When you don't play in the confines of my great system, you will be sacked, much like the Visigoths sacked Rome under the venerable Alaric the First," Childress said.
Childress, however, praised his two surviving fullbacks.
"They're like a piece of gristle," Childress said. "They've got a great squirt in the hole. Playing behind 6-7 guys, they're hard to find back there."
Despite the easy victory, Emmitt was still nowhere to be found. While defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell amused himself with a coloring book and a bag of Skittles, offensive coordinator Eric Mangini took all of the credit.
"My first win as the Patriots' head coach," Mangini smirked. "My almost-girlfriend Erin Andrews is going to be really proud of me. I already texted her about my win and asked if she wanted to go to the movies. My mom can drive me after she gets her nails done."
Suddenly, assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe approached the podium in the post-game press conference.
"W*GEh oweih9 o3fiwon sof hobrb df 2n4gh," Sharpe said.
"No, Shannon!" Mangini shrieked. "I might go out with Erin Andrews tonight, We can go to Six Flags another day."
"No, Shannon!" Mangini yelled. "There's a chance Erin Andrews will want to see Shrek 8 with me tonight. I don't want to make prank calls with you tonight! Your prank calls are stupid because no one can understand you!"
I think we speak for all of Patriot nation when we say, hurry back, Emmitt.