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Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 8


Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!




EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH


By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 29, 2015


Everyone has a certain moment in their lives where they realize that they're not living in some sort of fantasy land. It could be when a child discovers that Santa Claus isn't real. Maybe it's when a kid walks in on their parents doing the nasty and then realizing that babies don't come from storks. Or perhaps it takes much longer, and a college graduate can't find a job and is facing the prospect of having no money and a ton of debt.

For Emmitt, this occurred yesterday when he and Broncos head coach Brad Childress engaged in a heated argument at a dual press conference.

Childress lashed out at Emmitt and expressed anger that Patriots quarterback Anthony Morelli wrote "8-0" on the side of a Denver building Tuesday night. What Childress didn't realize at the time was that Morelli wasn't predicting a New England victory and a subsequent improvement to 8-0; he was simply counting the number of beer pong games he won in a row.

"Eh yo, I win... uhh... one two three... uhh... eight games in a row of beer pong haha," Morelli said. "Haha I win all night, eh yo, so many I lost count... haha, huh? Eh yo."

Assuming Morelli was bragging about New England's early-season dominance and berating Denver's ineptness - the Broncos are currently 1-5 - Childress had some harsh words for Emmitt.

"Emmitt, my Broncos shall impale your Patriots, much like the Visigoth Empire slayed the Romans under the venerable Alaric the First," Childress said. "Of course, I will be praying as I enjoy my elixir of choice on this eve that this won't be like the Battle of Guadalete in which the Visigoths did not fathom the Berbers upon which the dominance of the Councils of Toledo and the episcopacy came to an unceremonious termination."

Emmitt, unable to understand what Childress was talking about - and he was not alone - lashed back at his former offensive coordinator.

"Brett Childish, you have done many foolhardy thing in your careerment in the Conference of Footballs," Emmitt said. "First, you say that Tardaris Jackson is the best quarterbacks in the conference. Then you make Brett Favre come back from unretirement twice in two season, and then you leave the Patriot to coach the Bronco, a team that cannot lose even if they wanted to. Your careerment have been debacled."

As soon as Emmitt said that final sentence, Childress broke out in laughter for about five minutes.

"Oh Emmitt, your inexplicable lack of grammar, punctuation and overall acumen never ceases to baffle me," a smug Childress said.

"I am confuse, very confuse," a confused Emmitt replied. "You say I do not has a acumen. But there is a Acumen shoppin' market around the corner from my house. You seem to have debacled your own argumentative."

"Acumen; not Acme," Childress snarled. "And stop saying 'debacled.' It's not even a real word!"

Now, Emmitt was the one laughing.

"I has been sayin' debacled all my lives, and even my daddy Emmitt Junior the Second have been sayin' debacled his entire lives," Emmitt said. "I will even proved it to you. I will go grab my son's Emmitt Smith IV the Fifth's dictionarysaurs and look up the word debacled."

Unfortunately, Emmitt's plan failed. He feverishly flipped through his son's dictionary for about 20 minutes, but predictably had no luck finding the word 'debacled.'

"I do not understand what have happening," Emmitt said. "I see the word 'debacle' in the dictionarysaurs, but 'debacled' nowhere to be founded. The people who make the dictionarysaurs very lazy if all the neededed to do was add a number 'D' at the end of the debacle word."

However, after searching through three other "dictionarysaurses," Emmitt finally realized that "debacled" is not a real word after all.

"'Debacled' not real worded," Emmitt continuously muttered to himself as he walked out of the press conference.

Two hours later, Emmitt called owner Bob Kraft and told him that he needed to skip the game in order to do some soul searching.

"Fine, whatever," Kraft shouted. "I just don't know why you had to interrupt my seventh dinner. Arby's is closing soon!"

With Emmitt excused for Sunday's game, the battery of offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell will have to coach New England to a victory.







PATRIOTS LUCK OUT; IMPROVE TO 8-0


By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 2, 2015


It's not often that a 7-0 team is an underdog, but that was the case going into the Denver-New England game. The Vegas oddsmakers made the 1-5 Broncos a slight favorite because Emmitt took an unexpected leave of absence. The oddsmakers should have known better.

Unfortunately, there wasn't even a game. Childress arrived at Invesco Field with only two players, his trusty fullbacks Naufahu Tahi and Jeff Dugan. The officials ruled that Denver couldn't play with only two players, so the Broncos were forced to forfeit.

"It has come to my attention that we had 51 players on this team that had no desire to play within the system," Childress said in a failed attempt to explain his actions. "You can't fit a round peg into a square hole. I have to deal with everybody that is here in a team setting and so when they are here in a team setting, we will deal with it."

If you don't understand what Childress is talking about - and we certainly don't blame you if you're confused - Childress apparently was displeased by how his team was practicing and preparing for the game. So, he threw the players under the bus. We're not talking figuratively here; Childress literally hired several goons who tossed all but two of his players under a bus.

"When you don't play in the confines of my great system, you will be sacked, much like the Visigoths sacked Rome under the venerable Alaric the First," Childress said.

Childress, however, praised his two surviving fullbacks.

"They're like a piece of gristle," Childress said. "They've got a great squirt in the hole. Playing behind 6-7 guys, they're hard to find back there."

Despite the easy victory, Emmitt was still nowhere to be found. While defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell amused himself with a coloring book and a bag of Skittles, offensive coordinator Eric Mangini took all of the credit.

"My first win as the Patriots' head coach," Mangini smirked. "My almost-girlfriend Erin Andrews is going to be really proud of me. I already texted her about my win and asked if she wanted to go to the movies. My mom can drive me after she gets her nails done."

Suddenly, assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe approached the podium in the post-game press conference.

"W*GEh oweih9 o3fiwon sof hobrb df 2n4gh," Sharpe said.

"No, Shannon!" Mangini shrieked. "I might go out with Erin Andrews tonight, We can go to Six Flags another day."

"0rg h0 g woei380hrw0hy0wsho klderrengoern oe oxygen rgherosqwnc ," Sharpe replied.

"No, Shannon!" Mangini yelled. "There's a chance Erin Andrews will want to see Shrek 8 with me tonight. I don't want to make prank calls with you tonight! Your prank calls are stupid because no one can understand you!"

I think we speak for all of Patriot nation when we say, hurry back, Emmitt.


Emmitt on the Brink Archive:

Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31

Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14

Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8

Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31

Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26

Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28

Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31









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2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


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2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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