By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 28, 2015
Darrelle Revis apparently won't be getting any more 12-figure signing bonuses.
Revis' threat to hold out every two plays was a major concern for the Jets entering Sunday's game against the rival New England Patriots. Now, New York has much bigger problems, as its entire season will probably be canceled.
Early Sunday morning around 5 o'clock, New Meadowlands Stadium exploded. Thankfully, no one was in the building. The culprit, none other than Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards, is still at large.
Per police reports, Edwards' car accelerated to about 4,000 mph prior to colliding with New Meadowlands Stadium, causing the entire structure to collapse.
"This can only have been the work of an insanely drunk man," said New York City Chief of Police Carl Winslow while stuffing a box of doughnuts down his throat. "No one should worry though, for I, Carl Winslow, have searched the premises, and have discovered that no food items were damaged during the incident. I did, however, manage to unearth an unscathed box of hot dogs, which I have already consumed, hem, hem."
A lieutenant of Winslow's, a white officer who is naturally racist, discovered some DNA of Edwards', and tested its blood-alcohol content using the city's brand new DUI technology.
"Mr. Edwards' blood-alcohol content tested at 8.0 percent, which is 100 times above the New York City legal limit," said the racist police lieutenant. "Well, it actually tested at 6.0 percent, but because Edwards is black, I felt that I needed to bump it up 2 percent just in case."
Edwards' whereabouts are unknown. The last person to see him was Patriots water boy JaMarcus Russell, who was hanging out with Edwards on Saturday night.
"Braylon come with me that night... uhh I tink so..." Russell said. "We make drink together maybe... he mix alceehol and some Purple Drank from my cabinet... uhh... I only had Purple Drank and no alceehol... do ya tink so?"
According to alcohol and narcotics experts, mixing any sort of alcohol and what Russell referred to as "Purple Drank" can have devastating effects, sometimes causing a person's blood-alcohol level to increase by a factor of 50.
Rather than move the game elsewhere, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell awarded the Patriots a victory and canceled the Jets' entire 2015 season.
Goodell, however, noted that Edwards cannot be suspended because the NFL Players Union forbids any player to be suspended in the wake of a DUI as long as they're 125 times under the legal limit or less. Edwards, apparently, just made the cut.
Emmitt acknowledged that winning a third game in three weeks was important, but was displeased that his team wasn't even able to take the field.
"Like Herm Anderson once say, 'You win to play the game.'" Emmitt said. "Well we did not even play in the game, so do that mean that we did not even wins the game? We may have wonned this game in the eye of the beholdness, but in reality, we were on a winnin' streak and it is now come to a closed. It really took the wind out of our salesmen."
Eric Mangini was also upset that this game was canceled.
"I made the perfect game plan," Mangini said. "I worked on it so hard and didn't even talk to Erin Andrews on AIM for a couple of hours. My plan was to send 25 guys on the field at the same time. I'd distract the officials so they wouldn't see, and then I'd unleash my mega offense and destroy the Jets!"
Braylon Edwards may have demolished New Meadowlands Stadium, but perhaps his biggest crime is keeping the public from seeing Mangini's so-called "mega offense."
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
JETS' ALL-PRO MAY NOT PLAY IN SUNDAY'S GAME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 24, 2015
You'd think a 4-year, $500 billion contract would be enough for someone. Apparently not.
The New York Jets and All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis agreed to terms Monday on a 4-year, $500 billion contract with $325 billion guaranteed.
"I can finally afford to feed my family," Revis said, looking relieved.
Two days later, however, Revis changed his tune.
"If I continue to play ball on Sunday like I usually do, we'll probably be back at that same position we were this year after a couple of plays," Revis said. "If I don't allow a reception on New England's first two pass plays, I will hold out for more money."
Revis then suggested that he could hold out every two plays.
"I need more money because $325 billion guaranteed is simply not enough in this economy," Revis said. "Honestly, I'd like to become the first player ever to land a trillion-dollar signing bonus, but I'll settle for a series of $500 billion bonuses if they come to me every two plays - as long as I'm continuing to play ball like I usually do. It's only fair."
Jets owner Woody Johnson seemed distraught upon hearing Revis' demands.
"It's not fair," Johnson cried. "I already sold my kidney to be able to afford Revis' last five contracts. Now I'm going to have to sell my body. So, let me put this out there - if there's anyone out there into kinky things, I'm available for whatever. Just make all checks payable to Darrelle Revis."
Unlike Johnson, Emmitt was not appalled by Revis' proclamation, choosing to support the cornerback instead.
"Darrelle Rivers is a very good football player because he play football good," Emmitt said. "He deserve all the money that Woodman Johnson can afford even if he has to sell a kidney, a liver or a elbow on the black super market."
Emmitt did take issue with one of Revis' statements, however.
"Darrelle Rivers almost hit the nail on the button, but when he say he need to feed his family, and that is not far from false," Emmitt continued. "He say that he need money to feed family, but you cannot feed your family with money because money taste disgusting. Money have the same color as salad, so one time I gave my son a bowl of money with salad dressers on top, and he say it was the most disgusting thing he have atened in his entire lives."
The Revis contract situation overshadows Patriots offensive coordinator Eric Mangini's return to the Big Apple, where he coached the Jets on two separate occasions. Mangini suggested that his reunion was bittersweet.
"I loved coaching the Jets," Mangini said. "But there were a bunch of guys on my team who didn't come to my slumber parties unless I made them come. Some of them also said that I had no shot at Erin Andrews. As if! I'm going to create the perfect game plan to get revenge on these jerks. You'll see. They're all going to pay for not coming to my slumber parties!"
With a highly motivated offensive coordinator, the Patriots seem likely to improve to 3-0.