The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Oct. 20, 2017
It appears as though we'll have to wait awhile before Emmitt and his band of investigators make it down to Florida so they can finally locate the mastermind behind Bountygate II. While in his Chicago hotel room, Emmitt tried to order plane tickets online, but his credit card was declined.
"I don't know what happens," Emmitt said. "I pay all my credit car builds on times, and I just check my wallet to see if my credit car got stolened by an indemnity thief, but he have not stolen a single dimes from myselves. Everythin' in the wallet where it's suppose to be."
Emmitt told us that he asked the members of his troupe to buy plane tickets before calling the credit card company because he wanted to fly to Florida as quickly as possible.
Emmitt went to Ryan Tannehill first, but the Dolphins' quarterback claimed that he had only 13 cents in his bank account because he spent all of his money on cartography classes. As Emmitt was leaving Tannehill's hotel room, something bizarre occurred. Joe Philbin, who was in town because his team was battling the Bears, stormed in and angrily stared down Tannehill.
"Son, where have you been?" Philbin asked. "You were supposed to play quarterback for us a couple of weeks ago, but you went missing!"
"Derr... I try help friends get to places," Tannehill replied.
Philbin fumed and shouted at Tannehill to get to practice. Tannehill sulked, but ultimately obeyed his coach.
Shannon Sharpe was next. Unfortunately, he also lacked funds.
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As for Brandon Marshall? He apologized to Emmitt, telling him he couldn't afford it.
"My wife is getting half of my money because I'm leaving her," Marshall said. "I know she just died the other day, but the law states that a woman gets half the man's money when they're divorced or widowed, even if she beat him."
Eric Mangini was Emmitt's last chance. As Emmitt approached Mangini's room, he spotted Mangini's almost wife, Asian Erin Andrews, talking on the phone. Emmitt noticed that she was wearing new diamond earrings, bracelets and necklaces.
"I no have a green card yet but he marry me soon, and den I have a green card," Asian Erin Andrews said. "No, I no hurry him, I must have a patience and a disciprine before I get a green card, and besides, he buy me diamond earrings, bracerets and neckraces."
Emmitt knocked on Mangini's door and was eventually welcomed inside.
"Mangina, you was my assistance corch for a long time in New Zealand Patriot, so I need to ask you a favors," Emmitt said. "I ran out of money on my credit car and I need some money to buy plane ticket so we can drive to the city of Florida."
Mangini instantly shook his head.
"Sorry, Emmitt, I already used your credit card to buy my almost wife tons of jewelry," Mangini said. "If I had a credit card of my own, well, I still probably would have used yours, but I really didn't have a choice in this instance."
Emmitt's demeanor darkened, as he stared menacingly at a frightened Mangini, who perhaps realized for the first time that he shouldn't have stolen Emmitt's credit card.
"I'm sorry, Emmitt, I really am!" Mangini whimpered. "But you only meet a potential soul mate once or twice in a lifetime, so I had to buy Asian Erin Andrews all of those gifts that she really wanted!"
And that's when it happened. Emmitt threw a punch at Mangini. His fist smashed right into Mangini's left eye. Mangini then collapsed, crying in pain. After Emmitt left, Mangini called hotel security and had Emmitt arrested.
With Emmitt locked up temporarily, it appears as though we'll have a whole slew of Bountygate II-related antics occur this weekend. God help those players who will have hamsters and mayonnaise planted in their buttocks.
THE TWO ANDREWS WOMEN FINALLY MEET
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Oct. 21, 2017
Eric Mangini was not kidding about having his new almost bride, Asian Erin Andrews, meet the real Erin Andrews, the woman he's been referring to as his "almost girlfriend" for years, so that they could both be his wives. With the team grounded because of Emmitt's recent arrest, Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews took the opportunity to go to the Alinea, a prominent restaurant in Chicago.
Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews walked in and immediately saw the real Erin Andrews, dining alone. They wasted no time in approaching her.
"Erin, I knew you would be here!" Mangini proudly boasted. "This is my new almost wife, Asian Erin Andrews. Asian Erin Andrews, this is the real Erin Andrews, my almost girlfriend whom I've told you so much about!"
The real Erin Andrews looked extremely puzzled.
"Who are you?" the real Erin Andrews asked. "And... wait... how'd you know I'd be at the Alinea? How'd you even know I'd be in Chicago? And why is there an Asian version of me?"
Mangini laughed gleefully and took a seat next to the real Erin Andrews. Asian Erin Andrews followed suit, sitting across from her American doppelganger.
"Erin, I'm you're almost boyfriend, and I hacked one of your friends' Facebook accounts, so that's how I found out that you'd be having lunch at the Alinea, your favorite restaurant, by yourself, at 1 p.m.," Mangini creepily revealed. "Knowing you'd be in Chicago was easy; all I had to do was follow you on Twitter. Yes, you blocked me, but I know ways around that. And as for Asian Erin Andrews? I'm not completely sure, but we can call it a miracle. It's great news - you can both be my wives!"
The real Erin Andrews nearly choked on some of the fancy food she was eating upon hearing Mangini's fantasy.
"Oh, I remember who you are," the real Erin Andrews said. "You're the guy Philip Rivers humiliated. Eww, Philip told me you took pictures of me and hung them on your wall. Go away, weirdo!"
Mangini smiled, unperturbed.
"I only hung up those pictures because I couldn't see you in person, sweetie," Mangini said. "But the important thing is that you get acquainted with Asian Erin Andrews because you'll be spending lots of time together. In fact, I'm going to the restroom right now, so you ladies can chat."
Mangini stood up and confidently trotted to the men's room. The real Erin Andrews observed carefully, waiting for Mangini to be out of audible range. Once Mangini closed the door, the real Erin Andrews glared at her Asian clone in a serious manner.
"You HAVE to get away from him immediately," the real Erin Andrews stressed. "He's the biggest creeper on the planet. Don't wait too long because you don't know what he's capable of."
Asian Andrews digested what the real Erin Andrews said, but then had a good laugh.
"I see what you doing," Asian Andrews said. "You want him arr to yourserf so he can buy you jewerry that cost a rot of money! I'm not farring for your tricks. He's arr mine, and if you don't terr him you're armost breaking up with him, then there wirr be herr to pay."
The real Erin Andrews looked incredibly astonished by what her Asian counterpart just said, but she apparently had no intention of sticking around and convincing her.
"Well, have it your way, but I'm getting out of here before that creep comes back," the real Erin Andrews said. "I don't know what your angle is, but it won't be worth it if you wake up in a bathtub with one of your kidneys cut out."
The real Erin Andrews sprinted out of Ainea. Minutes later, Mangini waltzed out of the bathroom, whistling contently until he noticed that the real Erin Andrews was missing.
"Where'd my almost girlfriend go?" Mangini asked. "You didn't say anything to upset her, did you?"
"No, of course not, I would never upset your armost girrfriend," Asian Erin Andrews said. "She had to reave but she have one request - she ask me to tell you to buy expensive purse and mink coat for me."
Mangini slumped in his seat, looking defeated.
"Great," he shouted. "Emmitt's credit card is maxed out, so where am I going to get the money to do that?"
Perhaps he'll get the opportunity when Emmitt is released from jail, which should be any day now.