The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 11, 2016
The 15-0 Patriots and Oakland Raiders took the weekend off and observed the NFL wild card action. Here are the recaps of the two games if you didn't get a chance to catch them on TV:
Colts 2, Chargers 0
Talk about bad luck. The Chargers lost their starting quarterback before this game even began.
An hour prior to kickoff, San Diego quarterback Andrew Luck announced that he would skip the playoffs and the rest of his career to pursue his life-long dream of being an architect.
"I want to thank the Chargers for giving me a great opportunity, but it's always been my dream to be an architect," Luck said.
Luck also mentioned trying some other type of work as well.
"In addition to becoming an architect, I want to import," Luck said. "And not just import. I want to export too. I want to be an importer-exporter - and an architect.
"My daddy always said that the NFL will be always be there for me," Luck continued. "Well, after I import stuff, export stuff and architect some other stuff, I can always come back to the NFL. No big deal."
The Chargers consequently lost, 2-0, despite being 20-point road favorites. No one expected the Colts to win after becoming the first team to reach the playoffs with only one regular-season victory. Indianapolis won the AFC South with a 1-13-2 record, beating out Houston (0-14-2), Tennessee (0-13-3) and Jacksonville (0-13-3).
Of course, not having Peyton Manning all year hurt the Colts; Manning was put on injured reserve after the team's victory over the Texans in the 2015 opener. After doing way too many commercials, Manning's jaw simply fell off.
Manning's replacement all year has been Ryan Mallett, who has been heavily criticized for his drug use, constant drunkenness and stupidity. As you may remember, Mallett scored a zero on his Wonderlic despite the fact that the NFL awards five points for spelling your name right.
"Derrr... Mallett have one T or two T's derrr?" Mallett was heard talking to himself while taking the Wonderlic.
Mallett somehow arrived at the conclusion that his name had no T's - he spelled his last name "Maled" - which is sadly a better attempt than his stab at his first name (Wriannge).
Despite the fact that Mallett was still unable to learn a single play out of the playbook, the Colts took advantage of San Diego's disarray at the quarterback position, sacking Rusty Smith in the end zone for a safety in the third quarter.
When asked about next week's matchup against the Patriots, Mallett offered a simple response.
"Derrr... New England is across the Atlantis or Specific Ocean, I forget... derrr?" Mallett asked.
Looks like the Patriots could be favored into the 40s against the poorly quarterbacked Colts.
Chiefs 63, Ravens 0
Don't ever underestimate the power of Jim Tressel.
Tressel, who conveniently jumped to the NFL a year before Ohio State was found guilty of paying all of its players, was up to his old tricks this weekend.
Ravens quarterback Terrelle Pryor was arrested for selling shady things on eBay, including the rights to the Statue of Liberty and a bottle of air.
"We've been on to Terrelle for a while," said Baltimore Police Commissioner Stan Valchek. "We first picked up on Terrelle when he sold a jar that he claimed contained a piece of Hurricane Katrina."
With Baltimore's starting quarterback set to rot in jail during the team's playoff run, Tressel intervened. Tressel visited Pryor in jail and made him make a pledge that he'd turn himself in after the postseason. Pryor agreed, and he was let go.
"There was something about that sweater vest, the glasses and that smirk," Valchek said. "Once he said the word 'pledge' it was all over. We had no chance."
Unfortunately for Pryor, his furlough was short-lived; the Chiefs, armed with 53 Tim Tebow clones, easily dispatched the Ravens, 38-0.
"Once we found out there was a criminal on their team, we had to stop them," said Tim Tebow clone No. 17.
"Yeah, criminals are bad!" agreed Tim Tebow clone No. 36.
"It is our job to make the world a great place to live, so we had to try our best to send that scumbag back to jail!" chimed in Tim Tebow clone No. 9.
The Ravens never stood a chance. The 53 Tebow clones combined to form one Mega Tebow, who bulldozed over all 11 Baltimore defenders during Kansas City's first nine possessions. After that, the Tebows relented because it was time for church.
The Raiders battle the Chiefs next week - so Al Davis better make sure that he's not harboring any criminals.