The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 12, 2016
Chris Johnson drew some criticism five years ago when he tweeted about his contractual situation. Johnson begged fans to pray for him, and also called out "fake Titans fans," asking them not to compare themselves to him because he doesn't have a "regular job."
Now that Johnson is in his contract year, things are starting to heat up again.
"Last time I say I do not want to get paid like the highest-paid running back in the league; I want to get paid like a play-maker," Johnson told the media. "Now, I don't want to get paid like a highest-paid play-maker; I want to get paid like the highest-paid money-maker."
And what exactly is a "money-maker?" Johnson explained that to us.
"You know, one of dem cats who done some stuff," Johnson said vaguely. "You know, like Bill Gates, who invented the computers, or Oprah, who invented TV. I invented CJ2K. Why can't I get that kinda cash? That's 'diculous if I don't."
Before we could argue with Johnson, he made an announcement.
"I use up money from my old contract to build a church," Johnson revealed. "It's called the Real Titan Fan Church. Real Titan fans can go inside and pray for CJ2K to get a new contract. But fake Titan fans not allowed in the Real Titan Fan Church cuz they'll be prayin' for me not to get that money-maker cash. That's 'diculous cuz I don't got a regular job like dem cats."
Johnson told us the minimum amount he's seeking from Tennessee is a 6-year, $140 billion contract with $70 billion guaranteed. This deal would put the Titans $139 billion over the salary cap. We pointed this out to Johnson, but he proceeded to call us "fake Titans fans" and kicked us out of the Real Titan Fan Church.
In addition to this contract being fiscally unreasonable for the Titans, it's just not practical for them to sign him for that much money. They don't use Johnson enough to warrant anywhere near that type of money even if they could afford it. Johnson didn't receive a single carry in Sunday's 49-0 loss to the Patriots. Confused head coach Mike Munchak seemed to forget that Johnson was even on his team.
"I crossed off C.Johnson by accident after the preseason cuts," Munchak revealed. "It's so confusing. I have a C.Johnson, a D.Johnson and an F.Johnson. How the hell am I supposed to tell the difference between those three?"
Maybe because C.Johnson is a 2,000-yard rusher, we answered.
"Oh, C.Johnson does rushing stuff? I forgot," Munchak said. "Even still, I think I'm going to try C.Johnson at defensive line and K.Britt at kicker next week. Maybe we'll win."
Yeah, and maybe Vince Young will become a scientist and an invent a cheap cure for cancer.
We can't wait to see how poorly the Titans fare with a 200-pound running back on their defensive front. If he doesn't make it out of this upcoming Sunday's game alive, someone will have to take over his sermons at the Real Titan Fans Church.
SUNDAY NFL COUNTDOWN TRANSCRIPT: WEEK 2
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Sept. 18, 2016
We've followed Emmitt's entire coaching career with the Patriots, so we would be remiss not to document his second attempt with Sunday NFL Countdown.
Here is a transcript of a segment of Sunday NFL Countdown where Emmitt and the other analysts discussed Chris Johnson's contractual situation.
Chris Berman: Welcome back to Sunday NFL Countdown, hour 43 of our 63-hour weekly broadcast. As always, I'm joined by Tom Jackson.
Tom Jackson: Boom.
Chris Berman: It's been 30 years, Tom, where have the time and our athletic figures gone?
Tom Jackson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chris Berman: Also here is Coach Ditka. Coach, you're looking very autumnal today.
Mike Ditka: I dress like this every... excited to talk foot... Chris Johnson asking for more...
Chris Berman: Calm down, Coach. We still have 20 hours to go. Joining us for the first time is Eric Mangini. Another coach! This is like a coaches' seminar or something!
Tom Jackson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Eric Mangini: Is Erin Andrews going to be here?
Philip Rivers: Shut up, turd!
Chris Berman: Then there's Philip Rivers, and joining us for the second time is the one and only Emmitt!
Emmitt: Thanks, Mike.
Chris Berman: Emmitt, I wanted to get your take on the Chris Johnson situation. He said he wants a $140 billion contract with $70 billion guaranteed. As a former NFL running back, how do you feel about this?
Emmitt: Well, when I was playing in the National Football Conference, I never got paid $140 billion, or even $1 billion. So do Chris Jordan deserve that kind of money? Well, if he deserve it, then he should get the billion, or maybe even a bazillion, which come after billion. But if he do not deserve it, then he should only get a trillion, which come below billion.
Eric Mangini: Emmitt, I know you're my old boss and everything, but I think trillion comes after billion, and I don't think there's a such a number as bazillion.
Philip Rivers: No one asked you, turd!
Emmitt: I learn in the University of Florida Gator State that the number go, million, trillion, billion, bazillion, zillion then gazillion, then infinicy, which mean a lot of money.
Mike Ditka: Trillion doesn't come after m... billion comes before tr... bazillion isn't a real...
Philip Rivers: And no one will be paying you either after you give me your lunch money!
Emmitt: Anyway, back to the discussings, somebody tell me the Titan do not have enough salary crap to pay Chris Jordan, so if he cannot get the $140 bazillion from the Titan, that will be a tough pillow to swallow.
Chris Berman: Whoa, who is that red-head who just walked by? Is that Rachel "five pennies equal a" Nichols?
Tom Jackson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chris Berman: Hey Red, you're with me. Tom, take over for about 30 minutes.
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.