@Mr. Bitter some other animals I like. Anaconda as "undersized" DE. Ox/Buffalo at "run protection" OL. Chimp as a "pass defending #2" DB for reflexes and the fact they swat stuff normally. Unrealistically a whale as the "veteran" DT. Ferret as a "scatterback" RB. Owl as "zone" Safety. Kangaroo as "redzone" WR/TE.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
THANKSGIVING GAME CANCELED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 27, 2015
The undefeated Patriots were rewarded an automatic victory Thursday night when their Thanksgiving game against the Buffalo Bills was canceled. The reason? NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's new overtime rule.
Two weeks earlier, Goodell changed the rules of overtime, claiming it was unfair for teams to be limited to one possession in the extra period.
"I, Roger Goodell, Master of the Universe and the Entire Third Dimension, have observed that teams that get the first possession in overtime when they have at least one possession each win 50.1 percent of the time," Goodell said two weeks ago. "This is not fair. It should be an even 50-50 split. Teams that get the ball first have too much of an advantage."
After discussing possible options with his cronies and ESPN analysts, Goodell came up with a new plan.
"Teams will be guaranteed at least 50,000 possessions each in overtime," Goodell said. "That way, there is sure to be as close to an even 50-50 split as possible, and 50,000 possessions will ensure that the game will finish before the following week's slate of contests."
Unfortunately, Goodell didn't account for a short work week. With the Bills entering their 42,565th possession against the Chargers on Thursday night, the New England-Buffalo game had to be canceled.
"Roger Goodell is so stupid," Bills head coach Boomer Esiason said on the sidelines in the middle of a 24587-24465 game. "I thought Dan Marino was the dumbest human being on the planet, but apparently we may have found someone on his level."
Five minutes later, two masked men grabbed Esiason, hit him on the head and carried him out of the stadium.
"No one calls the Master of the Universe and the Entire Third Dimension 'stupid,'" Goodell said later. "I'll have to order my men to dispose of Boomer... I mean... uhh... I don't know what happened to Boomer Esiason. What? What did you say? How about them Knicks?"
With essentially another bye week, the Patriots were ecstatic to have Thursday night off.
"I'm lucky we have the week off because my mom was saying that I wouldn't be able to go to the game," said co-interim head coach Eric Mangini. "We had all our relatives over, so she made me clean all the windows and dust everywhere. I told her I had a football game to coach, but she said I wouldn't be able to go on a date with Erin Andrews if I didn't clean up the house."
Starting quarterback Anthony Morelli meanwhile, indicated that he really needed a break from his nightly activities.
"Eh yo, uhh last night big drink night of year, eh yo," a hung-over Morelli said, "I drink one drink and more drink eh yo, uhh... then more drink and more drinker, huh, eh yo then more drink and drinker come, now tum-tum hurt hurt."
Of course, this is how Morelli usually sounds every weekend, so the Patriots probably would have won their 11th game of the year - whether this game was canceled or not.
EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 30, 2015
One month ago, Emmitt took a sabbatical as head coach of the Patriots when he discovered that the word "debacled" wasn't real.
"I do not understand what have happening," Emmitt said at the time. "I see the word 'debacle' in the dictionarysaurs, but 'debacled' nowhere to be founded. The people who make the dictionarysaurs very lazy if all the neededed to do was add a number 'D' at the end of the debacle word."
On Sunday morning, Emmitt strolled into owner Bob Kraft's office. Kraft shooed him away because he was enjoying his sixth breakfast of the day. Twenty minutes later, he summoned Emmitt back in.
"Mr. Bob Krafter, I have return from my sabotage," Emmitt said. "I have doned a lot of sold searching, and I have came to realized that a word is just a word sometime. Sometime, a word, even if it make-believe sometime have the same meanin' as a word that is not make-believe, or the opposite, real-believe."
"Emmitt, I have no idea what the hell you just said because I was planning all of my lunches today, but welcome back," Kraft responded. "I'm glad you've returned, actually. That Eric Mangina fellow was really pissing me off."
Unfortunately, Emmitt's return wasn't official. One of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's new rules state that a head coach who takes a sabbatical of one month or longer must answer a series of questions from the head of the new NFL Inquisitional staff, Jeff Ireland.
The questions and answers are made public, so here was the interview that Ireland conducted with Emmitt:
Ireland: Emmitt, what were you doing for the past month?
Emmitt: I was sold searchin' after I learn that the word 'debacled' not really a word.
Ireland: Tell me the truth - is your mother a prostitute?
Emmitt: That is uncall for, Mr. Irishland. My mother have not ever made a prostitution in her entire lives.
Ireland: How many men has your mother slept with? Tell me the truth, damn it!
Emmitt: I do not keep track of these, Mr. Irish.
Ireland: What about your childhood? Did your uncle ever take advantage of you in a sexual manner? Tell me now!
Emmitt: No, my uncle have never touched me in a sexuational matter.
Ireland: Emmitt, you bastard, you're gonna answer all my questions. Have you ever had sex with an animal?
Emmitt: No, Mr. England, I have never had any sexuation with a animal, a plant or a bug.
Ireland: If I find that you're not telling me the truth, I'm going to destroy you. Last question - are you sure your mother isn't a prostitute!?
Emmitt: I have already tolded you, Mr. Europe, my mother have never solded her sexuation for any money, TV or radio. She only love one man, and that man is my father, Emmitt the Senior.
Ireland excused Emmitt from the interrogation office. Thirty minutes later, Ireland informed Emmitt that his story checked out, and that he was fully reinstated as New England's head coach.
Everyone on the Patriots was thrilled to hear this news - with the exception of former co-interim head coach Eric Mangini.
"It's not fair," Mangini whined. "When I was the head coach, I was able to impress my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews. Now, she'll think I'm not as cool as I really am because I lost my job. I'm going to have to get it back somehow."
Emmitt better be careful. It sounds like his own offensive coordinator is plotting a mutiny against him.