The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 22, 2015
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's policies have drawn lots of criticism over the years. From the restructuring of the NFL Draft, to the suspensions for helmet-to-helmet collisions, to the demand that everyone kiss the ring on his statue prior to each game on Sunday, Goodell has angered just about everyone in the National Football League.
Now, Goodell is taking player safety to what he called "one step further." To many, it seems like a light year.
"There are far too many injuries occurring each week, and it's my goal to cut them down," Goodell said. "Player safety is paramount, and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure no one is injured ever again."
Goodell has declared that tackling is now illegal in the NFL.
"Players may no longer wrap their arms around someone or drag them to the ground," Goodell said. "It's too risky. What if, when falling to the ground, someone tears their ACL or pulls their groin? That's not happening on my watch."
When asked how the defense is supposed to stop the offense, Goodell laughed, shook his head and berated the media for not being as smart as him.
"Boy, you people just don't know anything compared to me, eh?" Goodell asked. "Well, if you must know, I considered two-hand touch. But that's even too risky because someone could hurt their wrist. Instead, defenders will now have to grab an offensive player's jersey - not a body part, mind you - and shout, 'One, two, three, you're my man no breaksies.'"
Every single head coach in the league was obviously unhappy with this rule change.
"When I was in the National Football of Conference, many player tackle me and I am as a healthy as an airplane right now," Emmitt said. "But if we do have to go on from tacklizing, I do not understand why we cannot have the two-hand touchfulness. In the history of two-hand touchfulness, nobody have ever gotten hurt from touchin' other people with two hand, especially when man and women get close, and man touch women with two hand in inappropriate behavior."
New England's opponent this week is the Sacramento Jaguars. Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio was also infuriated with the news, but for different reasons.
"Dude, I was here catchin' some waves and drinkin' a few beers, and you're disturbin' my good times by tellin' me this news man," said Del Rio, who temporarily served as Denver's defensive coordinator in 2014. "Who cares about tacklin' and two-hand touchin? All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buds, and I'm fine."
We tried asking Del Rio about his preparation for the 6-0 Patriots, but he passed out on his towel at the beach.
New Patriots defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell will be tasked with coming up with a revolutionary game plan to keep opposing offenses in check in the wake of these rule changes. Russell didn't seem overly concerned, but his confusion may have had something to do with that.
"Haha, uhh... they tell me player no can tackle but I no understand, is football, player can tackle in football game, do ya tink so?" Russell asked or said.
Russell better come up with something quickly. There are only a few days prior to kickoff, and football is now a completely different game.
PATRIOTS FIND LOOPHOLE; IMPROVE TO 7-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 26, 2015
Leave it to a coaching staff comprised of Emmitt, Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell to come up with a loophole in Roger Goodell's new tackling rules.
"Everybody keep sayin' we founded a loopholed," Emmitt said. "But I do not seened a loop with a hole inside unless you count the cereal with the seagull on it name Fruit Hole."
Emmitt eventually realized what everyone was ranting and raving about, and gave full credit to his offensive coordinator.
"This is why Eric Mangina have becomed considered the best offensive coordination in the National Football of Football," Emmitt said. "Mangina may have some trouble with attractin' his lady friend Eric Andrew, but he very smart, wise and power in the mind when it come to schemin' for footballness."
Mangini's plan was simple - if no tackling is allowed, simply surround the ball-carrier with as many players as possible so the defenders can't reach for the ball-carrier's jersey and shout, "One two three you're my man, no breaksies." It really worked - the Patriots scored on every possession by having quarterback Anthony Morelli bootleg out and run the ball upfield with 10 of his teammates shielding him.
"Eh yo, I get football then I run football, haha, and all guy - all guy run around me in circle, eh yo," Morelli said. "Haha was very fun I like to try again... huh?"
When asked how he came up with this strategy, Mangini stated that he owed it all to his "almost girlfriend."
"Erin Andrews gave me the idea and she deserves all of the credit," Mangini said. "I was talking to her on AIM on Friday night. I asked her what would happen if I jumped out of the bushes and surprised her with chocolates and flowers one of these days. She didn't respond to that question for five hours. But when she finally did, she said she'd get 10 security guards to circle around her so that I couldn't harass her anymore. I know she was just joking around, but that's how I got my great idea."
The Jaguars, meanwhile, had offensive issues during the entire game, as quarterback David Garrard suffered a season-ending injury on the first play of the game.
Garrard took the snap when a New England blitzer grabbed his jersey. Garrard began whining and went into the fetal position.
"Oww, my liver hurts!" Garrard yelled, while grabbing his shoulder. "I think I have a concussion! Please get me out of here!"
Garrard was carted off and later told the media that he wouldn't be able to play football for the rest of the year.
"I'm going home and eating Oreos for the rest of the night, I mean resting my liver and my concussion," Garrard said. "Yeah, my concussion really hurts, it's going to be a while until I can get out of bed and onto the practice field."
Del Rio, meanwhile, wasn't available; reports indicate that he got into his car immediately following the loss and drove down to Malibu for a surfing competition.
While Del Rio didn't seem to care about Garrard's injury while the few reporters watched him load up his trunk, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was infuriated.
"I came up with this awesome plan so no one would get hurt, and it backfired," Goodell yelled, slamming his fist onto the podium. "Ugh, whatever. I'm done trying to be the good guy. If players want to get hurt, they're just gonna get hurt. I realize now that I can't do anything about it. So from this day forward, we're going back to the old rules. If players wish to tackle, let them tackle."
And that, Roger, is what everyone in the NFL ever wanted.
That's a bold A Walt.... the Browns will still find a way to screw it up so I can't give them anything more than a C. "The Browns have decided to start Myles Garrett at inside linebacker in what they say is a bold strategy."