It's nice to have a draft order set and the Senior Bowl behind us (other all-star games, too, I suppose). The combine is the other big event of the offseason, so we really are halfway to the draft. Sort of.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 24, 2017
We've been waiting for Emmitt to be released from jail for days now. The former NFL running back and Patriot head coach has been locked up since Thursday evening for assaulting Eric Mangini, even though we believe that Emmitt was fully within his rights after Mangini used his credit card to buy unnecessary gifts for his gold-digging almost wife.
We've actually been wondering why Emmitt hasn't been freed by now, but Emmitt apparently has made friends in jail who will help him on his quest to find the mastermind behind Spygate II.
After looking over the videotapes we retrieved from our secret camera in the jail, we witnessed what occurred during Emmitt's first night as a prisoner. Here's the dialogue:
Emmitt: Somebody help me! I only punch Mangina because he stoled by credit car. He stoled all my money, so he deserve to be knock upside the head. Do I not at least get one telephone? Every time I see somebody go to jails in the movies, they get one telephone, so where my telephone? And where my liar? I want to speak to my liar!
Second Prisoner: Pipe down, Emmitt. You'll be fine.
Third Prisoner: What he said.
Emmitt: How do you know my name? Are you happened to be my liar?
Second Prisoner: No. I'm a former head coach in the NFL, just like you, Emmitt. In fact, I was your teammate in the 90s. My name is Jason Garrett.
Emmitt: I am please to meet you, Jason G... G... Gordon. What are you doing in behind barns?
Third Prisoner: It behooves me that you forgot about Prime, Jason.
Jason Garrett: Yeah, and that's Deion Sanders. He was on our team too. He's in here because he behooved Randy Moss so much. Moss filed a restraining order, but Deion kept behooving him, so the police locked him up.
Deion Sanders: It behooves Prime that you can't be behoovin' other players.
Jason Garrett: Yeah, I don't get that. But as for me, Emmitt, I'm in here to help you.
Emmitt: And how you gonna help me, Jared? Do you has some kind of magical sword that can chop down these silver bars that go straight up and down from the ceiling to the... uhh... wall?
Jason Garrett: No, Emmitt. I am the master of time and space. As you may know, I continuously got play calls in late because I existed in a temporal distortion that was 30 seconds behind everyone else. I've learned to master these distortions over the years, and now I wish to pass my gifts along to you. Once you learn from me, Emmitt, you can travel back in time and prevent whatever happened that led to you being locked away in this miserable jail cell.
And so Emmitt and Garrett worked feverishly over the next couple of days. At one point on Saturday evening, Emmitt thought he had it.
"Give it a try," Garrett encouraged.
Emmitt pressed a magical clipboard against his mouth. Suddenly, a new fourth prisoner, kicker Dan Bailey vomited all over Deion.
"Oh no, you just iced the kicker," Garrett said. "But don't worry, I used to make this mistake all the time. You'll get better!"
"It behooves Prime that he's gonna get better," Deion interjected. "Otherwise, this dang kicker gonna be behoovin' on Prime all night."
It took until Monday night, but Emmitt finally mastered the craft. He once again pressed the magical clipboard against his mouth, but this time, a portal opened up.
"Behind this portal, Emmitt, is the scene of the crime," Garrett revealed. "As you can vaguely see, Eric Mangini is about to access a computer where he'll order items from your stolen credit card. Make haste - you can stop him from doing this and avoid going to jail all together!"
Emmitt took a step toward the portal, but stopped and asked Garrett one final question.
"But James, there one things that debacles my mind," Emmitt said. "If I go back in times and stop the Mangina from buyin' gold, silver and copper with my stolened credit car, then I will never be under the rest, and if I never under the rest, and I never meeted you in jails and I never learned time thing. Can you explain these to me?"
Garrett snorted. "Emmitt, you think so three-dimensionally. Only a wise sage like myself can think in four dimensions. Go quickly, Emmitt, and don't think about any possible repercussions."
Emmitt accepted this answer and stepped through the portal. The last thing he heard was Bailey puking again and Deion responding, "It behooves Prime that you're still behoovin' all over himself!"
EMMITT STOPS MANGINI - SORT OF
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2017
Emmitt wasted no time confronting Eric Mangini about using his credit card to buy unnecessary jewelry for his new almost wife. He burst through the portal and leapt toward Mangini, knocking the credit card out of his hand.
"What the hell, why did you knock Emmitt's credit card out of my... oh, Emmitt, what are doing here?" asked a flabbergasted Mangini. "I thought you were out collecting clues for Spygate II. I didn't expect you to be here. Oh, and this credit card? No, it's not what it looks like! I'm searching for the cheapest plane tickets, I swear!"
Emmitt hastily picked up the credit card and chuckled.
"Mangina, I know you not searchin' for plane ticket so we can drive for cheapest price; I know you buyin' gold, silver and copper for your almost girlfriend Asian Eric Andrew!" Emmitt shouted.
Mangini was so startled that he nearly fell out of his chair.
"No, Emmitt, I promise, I wasn't going to do it!" Mangini shrieked. "And she's not my almost girlfriend; she's my almost wife. And her name is Asian Erin Andrews; not Eric Andrews."
As they spoke of the devil, Asian Erin Andrews entered the room. She addressed her almost husband, as Emmitt was around the corner and out of sight.
"Eric, honey, did you buy all the jewerry I ask for yet?" Asian Erin Andrews said. "I herp you stear credit card from brack guy so you can buy me arr a jewerry I want from onrine."
Asian Erin Andrews stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw Emmitt holding his own credit card, staring menacingly back at her.
"Oh no, it is a brack guy we stear credit card from!" Asian Erin Andrews yelped. "How did you get here, brack guy? I sent you on wird a goose chase with farse information on a Bountygate II!"
Emmitt was furious. There was actual steam coming out of his head. We can confirm this per the hidden video camera we set up in Mangini's room.
"Asian Eric Andrew, I spent a few year, I mean a few days in prison because of yourselves and Manginaself," Emmitt said. "It make me very anger, very, very anger that you so selfless and stealin' my credit card."
"But Emmitt," Mangini interjected. "I wasn't going to buy jewelry, I swears! It was all a trick! I would never betray you like that because you're my best friend!"
"You no a buy me jewerry!?" Asian Erin Andrews shouted. "Why you rike brack guy more than armost wife? Maybe you buy brack guy jewerry? We'rr see if brack guy make a armost sex with you twerve time in a one night! I deserve a jewerry because you rove me very much and I work rearry hard for it!"
Asian Erin Andrews stormed out of the room. Mangini, who had tears in his eyes, stormed toward Emmitt, shouting, "You ruined my almost marriage, brack guy!"
Emmitt was still furious. He clutched his fist and decked Mangini once again. A few hours later, Emmitt was back in a jail cell with Jason Garrett, Deion Sanders and Dan Bailey.
"Whoops, I guess there is no way to alter the past," Garrett said with a confused tone in his voice.
A few days later, about an hour after Emmitt teleported back to the past, actually, Emmitt was released from jail. We don't know why he went through all the trouble of changing the past when he would have been freed so soon, but who are we to argue with the decision-making of a Dallas Cowboys' head coach?