The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Oct. 24, 2014
Emmitt is a genius.
When Daniel Snyder hired Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak to be his offensive and defensive coordinators, people around the league raised their eyebrows. However, they quickly remembered who pulled the trigger on this move - the same guy who employed a former Bingo announcer as his offensive coordinator back in 2009.
Well, it turns out that Emmitt planned this all along. According to Emmitt, he talked Trebek and Sajak into applying for the job.
"I knew Daniel Saunders obviously would hired them," Emmitt said. "One can even say I mastermindeded the situation. I masterm... is the past tense of masterminded 'mastermindeded' or 'mastermound?' I cannot remember these thing!"
So, how did Emmitt know Trebek and Sajak? It turns out that several Patriots will be appearing on Celebrity Jeopardy and Celebrity Wheel of Fortune during the bye week. Emmitt will be on the former, while Anthony Morelli, Bob Kraft and Romeo Crennel will appear on the latter.
"I have, or has never seen the game of Jeopardy," Emmitt revealed. "I do not even know how it played. I looked up the word 'jeopardy' in the big book that have many word in it, I forget what it is called, and jeopardy mean somethin' when you in trouble. Oh man, what has I gotten myselves into? I do not like get in troubles!"
Competing with Emmitt on Celebrity Jeopardy will be Carl Winslow and Sean Connery. Back in January, Emmitt and Winslow battled against each other on Eating Cereal with the Stars. In fact, the two met in the finals, with Emmitt winning the championship over Winslow. Winslow has since blamed the loss on his annoying nerd neighbor, and has vowed to get revenge on Emmitt.
"I, Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts, Chieftain of Cheetos, Denizen of Doritos and Overseer of Oreos, will avenge my own defeat in the cereal-eating Olympics," Winslow bellowed. "My honor has been stripped away from me, and I must reclaim it. Best of all, I will use the prize money to purchase extra refrigerators to preserve all of my meals, hem hem."
Emmitt wasn't perturbed by Winslow's threats.
"Carl Windows do not know who he messin' with," Emmitt said. "I am very competition and I take the competitive very serious. On Celebrity Jeopardy, I will get into more troubles than Carl Windows and take home grand prize!"
As for Connery, he was only concerned with getting revenge on Trebek.
"The day is mine!" Connery yelled incoherently.
Meanwhile, Morelli, Kraft and Crennel were all excited to star on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. Morelli could hardly contain himself.
"Eh yo, haha they tell me I turn wheel and big colors turn and then big colors stop and then big numbers on wheel give me money and I guess letter and then hot girl touches letters when they have light haha eh yo!" Morelli exclaimed.
Kraft, on the other hand, was more concerned with the prize.
"Before the final round where it's only one contestant, they ask that person to spin a small wheel and then open a corresponding envelope," Kraft revealed. "I'm willing to bet that one of those envelopes contain a lifetime supply of free dinners to Arby's. I'm going to win that prize."
Both Sajak and Vanna White refused to comment on this, perhaps afraid that they'd lose Kraft as a contestant if he found out the truth.
Crennel, as it turns out, doesn't really care about the prizes; he apparently was only going for the free amenities.
"They say they have cookie in conference room before show," Crennel explained. "I will steal or eat as many cookies as possible. Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie!"
Unless the Wheel of Fortune crew decides to use the phrase "Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie!" it doesn't look like Crennel will win anything aside from high cholesterol.