The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 10, 2016
Andy Reid has some major questions to answer in the wake of his team's miserable start. Expected to contend for the Super Bowl, the Eagles are 0-5 despite shelling out tons of money in the offseason on prized free agents.
Philadelphia nabbed Calvin Johnson, Patrick Peterson, Joe Haden, Nick Mangold, Mario Williams, Darren McFadden, Jimmy Graham and LeBron James this March. How they were able to do this and stay under the salary cap is anyone's guess. Many are speculating that general manager Howie Roseman has a secret pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
People grew suspicious when upon hearing allegations for the first time, Roseman shouted, "You'll never find me pot of gold!" and then vanished into thin air. No one has seen him since.
Nevertheless, the Eagles are a major disappointment. When all of the talent was assembled, Vince Young, who is currently out of the league, dubbed the squad "The Dream Team II." As he said those words, Philly fans face palmed and shook their heads in disgust.
So, what happened exactly? Why is the Dream Team II a woeful 0-5?
"The Dream Team II isn't so dreamy," explained FOX color analyst John Lynch.
A better reason would be all the asinine moves Andy Reid made to complement Roseman's signings. For one, Reid refused to upgrade the linebacking corps. As a result, Philadelphia is surrendering 10 yards per carry.
Reid's coaching moves have been even worse. He promoted the water boy to be his new offensive coordinator. He then asked the stadium janitor to take over at defensive coordinator.
"I mop floor, and Andy Red come up to me, and ask me to be defensive coordinations, to please," said Yuri Suvarov, a Lincoln Financial Field custodial worker. "I do not even know how American footballs is play, but Andy Red say iz OK, I learn from watch video of other team play defenses, to please."
It doesn't appear as though the Suvarov experiment is working out. Through five games, the Eagles have allowed 325 points. They have no sacks, and teams have scored on 98 percent of their possessions against them.
"I do not understand how you can makes other team to give balls to us," Suvarov admitted. "I ask other coach before game, please to not score to give us chances to win game, but he laugh at me like I have cabbage in my anus - iz happen to me before and iz not good."
Suvarov's struggles to learn football has prompted many to speculate that Reid will hire a defensive consultant like Eric Mangini. The current ESPN analyst declined the offer, claiming that he was planning on asking his "almost girlfriend" Erin Andrews out on a date. Other coaches were mentioned as well, including Monte Kiffin, but Reid put the rumors to rest.
"Uhh... hem, hem... uhh... it's my job... uhh... to put the players in a better position... umm... uhh..." Reid said. "I take full responsibility... uhh... that I didn't put the players in a better position... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... I take full responsibility for that... uhh... put players in a better position... full responsibility... time's yours."
That's not entirely accurate. The time is definitely Andy's. Any other coach would have been fired already for all the nonsense he's put the Eagles through.
FORMER QUARTERBACK DISPLEASED WITH REID'S COMMENTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Oct. 14, 2016
Philadelphia fans were outraged to hear Andy Reid's comments following the fifth team's loss.
"All that fat f***er ever does is say that he needs to put the players in a better position and that he takes full responsibility for that loss," shrieked a random caller on 610 WIP.
Well, the team's supporters weren't the only ones who were furious. Former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb expressed his frustration to reporters Thursday.
"I listened to Coach Reid's whole press conference, and he didn't mention me once," McNabb whined with a tear in his eye. "He could at least say the team is doing bad because I'm gone. It's ridinky-dinculous."
McNabb has been under fire himself this season. Struggling as the starting quarterback for the Sacramento Jaguars, McNabb was approached by head coach Jack Del Rio, who told his signal-caller that he could make his throws more accurate by fixing one simple thing in his throwing motion. McNabb, however, was taken aback by Del Rio's suggestion.
"Does Jack Del Rio know who I am?" McNabb asked rhetorically. "I am Donovan McNabb, former quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, and Campbell's Chunky Soup spokesperson. I do things my way! My way or the highway!
Coaches keep trying to tell me they want to make me better, but they're just trying to keep me down," McNabb revealed. "Everyone hates me, except Tom Jackson. They're all jealous of me that I have thousands of cans of Chunky Soup in my basement. It's ridinky-dinculous."
McNabb was so butt hurt by Reid's comments that he had to be excused from his own press conference because his butt actually really hurt. He was rushed to the hospital, and is listed as questionable for Sunday's game.
Tom Jackson, meanwhile, addressed McNabb's comments after laughing at a few of Chris Berman's jokes during this week's 63 hours of Sunday NFL Countdown coverage.
"Here we have a young African American athlete, who is being told what to do by old, white football coaches," Jackson said, completely ignoring the fact that Leslie Frazier, a black coach, tried to fix McNabb's mechanics as well. "McNabb deserves no blame for Sacramento's 0-5 start. His completion percentage of 28.6 is completely Coach Del Rio's fault."
When Jackson was finished his 10-minute rant, it was Eric Mangini's turn to speak.
"I tried asking Erin Andrews out because she's my almost girlfriend, but when I called her, she told me to stop calling because I'm a fat, stalker freak." Mangini revealed. "I feel sorry for Erin. Some fat loser keeps calling her, so I guess she thought I was him. Man, I need to find some big guy to beat him up for me so we can finally play laser tag on our romantic date."
Emmitt, on the other hand, disagreed with Jackson.
"Sometime the sky is greener on the side," Emmitt said. "Donovan McNabb butt have explosioned because he very ego mechanic, but if he become a head coach like I have becomed in the past history, he would understand that sometime a head coach need to fix a player's maniac to make him better."
Emmitt then had some sage advice to Jackson.
"Mike, just because a player come from the city of African America do not mean that he cannot be criticizement by his head coaching," Emmitt stated. "Jack Del Johnson just tryin' to make McNabbs a better player, person and athleticism, and McNabbs not very good anyway, so Jack Delo Johnson just makin' lemon out of lemonade."
Making lemons out lemonade, eh? At this point, we have to wonder if Emmitt's kids try to make a few bucks by running a neighborhood lemon stand.
@BEARDOWNsssssss @Walter plus you have stated that right now Kizer and Trubisky are rated higher by teams and you even believe Davis Webb could be higher, so theres gotta be at least 2 of those quarterbacks available at that 36-40 juncture
@Walter, not to take anything away, but don't you think that, if the Bears do get rid of Cutler (mind you, Rapoport said there was a good chance he would stay), don't you think they would select a defensive back/BPA since they need playmakers then in the second round (or trade up back into the 1st) select Deshaun Watson? It does make sense.