Emmitt on the Brink – Season 13: Week 4

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

NEW UNEXPECTED NFL LEADERSHIP

By Zucker Eunuch, Special to the NFL Reliable Sources Network
Day Unknown, Date Unknown, Year Unknown

Emmitt never expected to return to NFL headquarters. Though he held the job as league commissioner for just several months after the original Roger Goodell was exposed as a member of the violent gang Statue-13 and subsequently defeated, he was ousted and exiled to the northern wilderness. The northern land was his new home amid his exile, but now he had returned, unexpectedly.

Luckily, there was some sense of security. Congress had named his son, Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith, as his successor because he had the best story. It’s unclear what this meant, as it was part of the horrible writing in Season 12. We hope Season 13 is more enjoyable to the readers and viewers.

His son’s position as NFL Commissioner made the experience of entering NFL headquarters perplexing. Emmitt, his son and Andy Reid were greeted by arm guards who demanded that they follow them to the commissioner’s headquarters.

“But I’m the commissioner,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith protested, but to no avail.

Emmitt’s heart sank when he saw who was sitting at the commissioner’s desk.

It was Roger Goodell.

It took Emmitt a second to realize this was not the real Goodell, however. A robotic version of Goodell was created in the wake of the former commissioner’s demise. This was Goodell Bot 2.0, who lost the woman he fell in love with, Melissa Stark, even though he has no genitalia and thus no reason for procreation or lust of the opposite gender.

“Sit down, all of you, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 demanded. Emmitt, his son and Andy Reid had no choice but to do as they were forced, given that they were surrounded by armed guards.

“I am now commissioner of the NFL, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 explained. “I waited for you, Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith, to leave this country, beep. This was a violation of the no-travel orders, so you committed a crime, beep. According to congress, if you commit a crime, you forfeit all ownership of a commissionership position, so congress, in its infinite wisdom, has made me NFL commissioner, beep.”

The usually stoic Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith slammed down the handles of his wheelchair.

“I should have known,” he snapped. “I am the Three-Eyed Baltimore Raven, so I easily could’ve seen my fate, but I was too preoccupied with my premonition of my father fighting a giant bear to cure the virus.”

“The virus does not bother me, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said. “I am not affected by the virus at all, so we will move along with all offseason activity as planned, beep.”

Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith beamed. It looked like he suddenly realized how to outsmart the usurper.

“NFL bylaw 719-12 says that only a human – not a robot – can occupy the position as commissioner,” Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith stated. “This means that must relinquish your job to me.”

“Ha- ha- you are wrong, beep,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said with a robotic laugh. “I have proven to congress that I am now considered hu-man just like you hu-mans, beep. Look at how I recline in my chair right now like all of you hu-mans, beep. I am reclining at 45.3 degrees, which is within parameters of normal hu-man reclining, so I am hu-man just like you, beep.”

Emmitt Smith IV, the III, the V, Sr., the VIII, Jr. Sr. XII Smith began planning a retort, but to no avail. Goodell Bot 2.0 nodded his head toward the guards, who grabbed Emmitt, his son and Andy Reid. Extra guards were needed for Reid.

“Take them to the dungeon, beep, I mean my man cave,” Goodell Bot 2.0 said. “They will remain there until their life force expires, ha- ha- see, I made a joke just like a hu-man, beep.”