The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 25, 2017
We're sorry to report that there are no developments in the Roger Goodell Bountygate II case. The late replacement official Jerry Frump admitted that Goodell ordered him to take part in yet another injury to Ryan Mathews before ingesting a cyanide pill last Tuesday. However, Emmitt is still waiting on a warrant to search the Goodell estate, where the NFL commissioner has hidden himself ever since Frump's dying confession.
"Roger Godman is playin' a game from my childness call Hide and Go Sink," Emmitt said. "The rule of the game is that everybody except one guy who hidin', and the guy count from one to 10 backward and then go sink the other guy. Roger Goldman hidin' and I'm sinkin'."
Sinking in bureaucratic paperwork, it seems. Emmitt expressed frustration at his inability to raid Goodell's house so he could interrogate him.
"They tellin' me that the search warner for Goodman's house is goin' through the proper channel, and that it take a while," Emmitt lamented. "I do not understand why it takin' a while. When I turn on the TV, I use the remove control and press up to find the program I wanna watch, and that take me all but five year... I mean five second to go through the proper channel. Why it take policeman so long to change the channel on the TV to get the warner?"
With Emmitt's investigation going nowhere, this gives us an opportunity to look around the league. The biggest story this week is actually not centered around the replacement officials for a change. Instead, all of the focus is in Tampa Bay, where Greg Schiano is up to his old antics.
Schiano, as you may remember, was heavily criticized for diving for the Giant players' knees as they were kneeling down in a 2012 contest. Now he's taking it one step (or a mile) further.
As the New England Patriots were kneeling down to celebrate their victory, Schiano gave the signal to his defenders, who quickly took switchblades out of their shoes. They flipped the blades open and begun stabbing the Patriot players. Thankfully, no one was hurt.
Afterward, Schiano and Patriot head coach JaMarcus Russell engaged in a heated argument during the handshake. Russell then fumed afterward in front of the media.
"I coaching long time in football, and I never see guy use thing that have metal and pointy and shove in our guys' feets and stomachs, do ya tink so?" Russell said/asked. "Blue team win game fair and follow all rule and then we make play where quarback take ball and move down to knee on ground ha, and then guy on red team attack guy on blue team, which is my team I tink? Do ya tink so?"
Did Russell just admit that he wasn't sure which team he was coaching? Well, the important thing is that Schiano does not expect to be penalized for this.
"I don't know why JaMarcus is so mad," Schiano said in his post-game press conference. "Show me in the rules where it states that you can't stab players when they're kneeling down with switchblades. Seriously, I perused the rule book a dozen times and there was no hint of that rule anywhere.
"Look, I'm just being a nice guy," Schiano continued. "I could have armed my players with chainsaws - that's not in the rulebook either - but I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I mean, we did use switchblades on several occasions at Rutgers. It's not my fault that JaMarcus doesn't follow Rutgers football. If he did watch all of our riveting games, he'd know that we just did things the Rutgers way."
We would love a statement from Goodell about this mess, but he's hiding in his residence. Hopefully Emmitt will obtain that warrant soon.
JAMARCUS GOES TO WAR AGAINST SCHIANO
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2017
You know, we almost forgot that Patriots' head coach JaMarcus Russell is part of a group called the Skittle Warriors, a vigilante organization dedicated to fighting crime. The syndicate uncovered a conspiracy, spearheaded by former Cowboys' receiver Sam Hurd, to destroy Colt McCoy last year, and it was once again called into action - this time to stop Buccaneers' head coach Greg Schiano.
"Coach on red team hurt player on blue team and I tink I coach blue team and not read team, do ya tink so?" Russell, the Purple Skittle, said/asked at the Skittle Warrior headquarters.
"Jeeezzthh Chritthhh that's like tho ignorant and thutff," said Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle. "I have like a hot wife and thutff, you know, tho I'm obviouthly into like girlth and th... oooh, look a 35 perthent of thale at Macy's!"
Meanwhile, Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, was especially disturbed because he used to quarterback the New England Patriots.
"Eh, yo... uhh... eh... I saw guy on TV have knife and stab!" Morelli drunkenly shouted. "Den da other guy get knife and stab guy I play with before, eh yo! Dis not cool, I very angry! I so angry! Eh yo, I wanna punch guy right now haha... huh?"
"I been rockin' this Skittle thang and the Beast Mode thang and this Skittle thang and the Beast Mode thing yeaahhhh," agreed Lynch, the Green Skittle. "Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh."
"I'm with you, Green Skittle," said Eric Berry, the Red Skittle. "This Schiano person brings great shame to my color. No one donning the precious red can get away with such atrocities."
Suddenly, the room went dark and the large TV screen turned on. A large, hooded man, known only as the enigmatic Tropical Skittle spoke loudly:
"Hem, hem... uhh... umm... uhh... Schiano's a bad guy, and I take full responsibility," the Tropical Skittle said. "Umm... that's something I need to work on... uhh... hem, hem... you know... umm... we took some shots in there, but it's time to fire back... uhh... hem, hem... umm... time's yours..."
The screen then went dark and the lights turned on. Berry was the first to respond.
"You heard our secret leader!" Berry shouted. "It's to use our secret weapon, the Skittle Ray!"
The five Skittle Warriors wasted no time rushing to the basement of their lair. They opened the secret passage in the basement and found the unused Skittle Ray in an old, wooden crate. They then brought the Skittle Ray to Schiano's house.
"Hey guy coach on red team, do ya tink you gonna feel sorry for take metal tings and hit blue team with it ha!?" Russell shouted as hit the "fire" button on the Skittle Ray.
It was a truly amazing site. Millions - no, billions - of Skittles shot out of the Skittle Ray, crashing into the siding of Schiano's residence. It only took 30 seconds, but the house finally failed to withstand all of the pressure. It collapsed quickly. Fortunately, there was no one inside, but the message was sent and the point was made. Or was it?
"Wait, they destroyed my house with Skittles?" Schiano asked when he was notified of this in practice. "Hmm... I suppose that's fair game. After all, that's what they did at Syracuse. Anyone who follows Syracuse football closely knows that they destroy the opposing teams' houses with candy and/or other food items."
So much for the Skittle Warriors teaching Schiano a lesson. Maybe as a response, Schiano will actually arm him his players with chainsaws next time. They did that at Connecticut, after all.