Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 4
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 25, 2017
We're sorry to report that there are no developments in the Roger Goodell Bountygate II case. The late replacement official Jerry Frump admitted that Goodell ordered him to take part in yet another injury to Ryan Mathews before ingesting a cyanide pill last Tuesday. However, Emmitt is still waiting on a warrant to search the Goodell estate, where the NFL commissioner has hidden himself ever since Frump's dying confession.
"Roger Godman is playin' a game from my childness call Hide and Go Sink," Emmitt said. "The rule of the game is that everybody except one guy who hidin', and the guy count from one to 10 backward and then go sink the other guy. Roger Goldman hidin' and I'm sinkin'."
Sinking in bureaucratic paperwork, it seems. Emmitt expressed frustration at his inability to raid Goodell's house so he could interrogate him.
"They tellin' me that the search warner for Goodman's house is goin' through the proper channel, and that it take a while," Emmitt lamented. "I do not understand why it takin' a while. When I turn on the TV, I use the remove control and press up to find the program I wanna watch, and that take me all but five year... I mean five second to go through the proper channel. Why it take policeman so long to change the channel on the TV to get the warner?"
With Emmitt's investigation going nowhere, this gives us an opportunity to look around the league. The biggest story this week is actually not centered around the replacement officials for a change. Instead, all of the focus is in Tampa Bay, where Greg Schiano is up to his old antics.
Schiano, as you may remember, was heavily criticized for diving for the Giant players' knees as they were kneeling down in a 2012 contest. Now he's taking it one step (or a mile) further.
As the New England Patriots were kneeling down to celebrate their victory, Schiano gave the signal to his defenders, who quickly took switchblades out of their shoes. They flipped the blades open and begun stabbing the Patriot players. Thankfully, no one was hurt.
Afterward, Schiano and Patriot head coach JaMarcus Russell engaged in a heated argument during the handshake. Russell then fumed afterward in front of the media.
"I coaching long time in football, and I never see guy use thing that have metal and pointy and shove in our guys' feets and stomachs, do ya tink so?" Russell said/asked. "Blue team win game fair and follow all rule and then we make play where quarback take ball and move down to knee on ground ha, and then guy on red team attack guy on blue team, which is my team I tink? Do ya tink so?"
Did Russell just admit that he wasn't sure which team he was coaching? Well, the important thing is that Schiano does not expect to be penalized for this.
"I don't know why JaMarcus is so mad," Schiano said in his post-game press conference. "Show me in the rules where it states that you can't stab players when they're kneeling down with switchblades. Seriously, I perused the rule book a dozen times and there was no hint of that rule anywhere.
"Look, I'm just being a nice guy," Schiano continued. "I could have armed my players with chainsaws - that's not in the rulebook either - but I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I mean, we did use switchblades on several occasions at Rutgers. It's not my fault that JaMarcus doesn't follow Rutgers football. If he did watch all of our riveting games, he'd know that we just did things the Rutgers way."
We would love a statement from Goodell about this mess, but he's hiding in his residence. Hopefully Emmitt will obtain that warrant soon.
JAMARCUS GOES TO WAR AGAINST SCHIANO
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2017
You know, we almost forgot that Patriots' head coach JaMarcus Russell is part of a group called the Skittle Warriors, a vigilante organization dedicated to fighting crime. The syndicate uncovered a conspiracy, spearheaded by former Cowboys' receiver Sam Hurd, to destroy Colt McCoy last year, and it was once again called into action - this time to stop Buccaneers' head coach Greg Schiano.
"Coach on red team hurt player on blue team and I tink I coach blue team and not read team, do ya tink so?" Russell, the Purple Skittle, said/asked at the Skittle Warrior headquarters.
"Jeeezzthh Chritthhh that's like tho ignorant and thutff," said Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle. "I have like a hot wife and thutff, you know, tho I'm obviouthly into like girlth and th... oooh, look a 35 perthent of thale at Macy's!"
Meanwhile, Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, was especially disturbed because he used to quarterback the New England Patriots.
"Eh, yo... uhh... eh... I saw guy on TV have knife and stab!" Morelli drunkenly shouted. "Den da other guy get knife and stab guy I play with before, eh yo! Dis not cool, I very angry! I so angry! Eh yo, I wanna punch guy right now haha... huh?"
"I been rockin' this Skittle thang and the Beast Mode thang and this Skittle thang and the Beast Mode thing yeaahhhh," agreed Lynch, the Green Skittle. "Yeaahhh, yeaaahhh, the Beast Mode thang yeaahhhh yeahhhhhhhh."
"I'm with you, Green Skittle," said Eric Berry, the Red Skittle. "This Schiano person brings great shame to my color. No one donning the precious red can get away with such atrocities."
Suddenly, the room went dark and the large TV screen turned on. A large, hooded man, known only as the enigmatic Tropical Skittle spoke loudly:
"Hem, hem... uhh... umm... uhh... Schiano's a bad guy, and I take full responsibility," the Tropical Skittle said. "Umm... that's something I need to work on... uhh... hem, hem... you know... umm... we took some shots in there, but it's time to fire back... uhh... hem, hem... umm... time's yours..."
The screen then went dark and the lights turned on. Berry was the first to respond.
"You heard our secret leader!" Berry shouted. "It's to use our secret weapon, the Skittle Ray!"
The five Skittle Warriors wasted no time rushing to the basement of their lair. They opened the secret passage in the basement and found the unused Skittle Ray in an old, wooden crate. They then brought the Skittle Ray to Schiano's house.
"Hey guy coach on red team, do ya tink you gonna feel sorry for take metal tings and hit blue team with it ha!?" Russell shouted as hit the "fire" button on the Skittle Ray.
It was a truly amazing site. Millions - no, billions - of Skittles shot out of the Skittle Ray, crashing into the siding of Schiano's residence. It only took 30 seconds, but the house finally failed to withstand all of the pressure. It collapsed quickly. Fortunately, there was no one inside, but the message was sent and the point was made. Or was it?
"Wait, they destroyed my house with Skittles?" Schiano asked when he was notified of this in practice. "Hmm... I suppose that's fair game. After all, that's what they did at Syracuse. Anyone who follows Syracuse football closely knows that they destroy the opposing teams' houses with candy and/or other food items."
So much for the Skittle Warriors teaching Schiano a lesson. Maybe as a response, Schiano will actually arm him his players with chainsaws next time. They did that at Connecticut, after all.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 24
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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