The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 20, 2016
Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz renew their heated rivalry Sunday afternoon - and it appears as though it could be their final battle.
As you all may know, it started in October 2011 when an exuberant Harbaugh celebrated a bit too much after a regular-season victory over previously undefeated Detroit. Harbaugh ran over to Schwartz and shoved him out of the way, prompting the Lions' head coach to retaliate by yelling at Harbaugh as the two teams were returning to their locker room.
Little did we know that this would spark the greatest coaching rivalry in NFL history.
The teams were supposed to meet two years later, but that was when Detroit's entire season was canceled because owner William Darth Sidious Clay Ford unsuccessfully tried to play all of the games online.
"Ts-ts-ts-ts-ts I still plan to return to the online realm soon so I can make the Lion fans suffer ts-ts-ts-ts-ts-ts," Ford revealed in a recent interview.
Instead of playing each other on the field that year, Harbaugh and Schwartz opted to settle the score over a game of Monopoly. Harbaugh won easily once he secured a monopoly on Boardwalk and Park Place, though Schwartz ultimately lost the last of his money when he landed on B&O Railroad.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Harbaugh exclaimed once Schwartz's funds were exhausted. "I RULE AT MONOPOLY! YOU SUCK SCHWARTZ! YOU F***ING SUCK! WHO THE HELL LOSES ON B&O RAILROAD!? LOSERS LIKE YOU, THAT'S WHO! HAAAAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
Schwartz wouldn't have any of it. He flipped over the board, and all of the pieces flew everywhere. The wheelbarrow sailed into Harbaugh's mouth and lodged itself in his throat. Harbaugh had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hours after surgery was completed, however, Harbaugh once again boasted about how good he was at both football and Monopoly, and that Schwartz would never beat him.
This once again rang true last year. After the 49ers slew the Lions, 45-17, Schwartz challenged Harbaugh to an academic decathlon. Harbaugh once again prevailed, thanks to Schwartz fumbling the final question, "Injury Ethics: If your quarterback's shoulder is falling off, should you make him play?"
Harbaugh pumped his fist and took off his shirt in celebration.
"WOOOOOOOOO!!! ACADEMIC DECATHLON IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!! YOU F***ING SUCK, SCHWARTZ! IF YOU KNEW YOUR INJURY ETHICS, YOU MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE AGAINST ME - BUT I SAID MIGHT BECAUSE YOU'D STILL LOSE IN THE END SINCE I'M THE F***ING GREATEST WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
And that was when all hell broke loose. Schwartz pulled out a gun and started firing shots. He completely missed Harbaugh, but managed to shoot the weird-looking, goateed dude protecting Harbaugh in the foot. That guy would be OK, though no one still really knows who he is.
At that brings us to the present. Harbaugh and Schwartz are preparing for what they're calling their final battle. Both men have acquired nuclear weapons and hired tens of thousands of sellswords.
"It's all come down to this," Schwartz said. "I'm going to wipe Harbaugh off the face of the Earth, even if it costs me my life."
Harbaugh was also confident.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M GOING TO F***ING WIN AGAIN WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted.
As a public service announcement, you better stock up on your canned goods, batteries and porn because World War III is upon us, and the nuclear holocaust is going to last a very a long time.
WORLD WAR III CALLED OFF THANKS TO SUNDAY NFL COUNTDOWN CREW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Oct. 22, 2016
Don't worry about stockpiling canned goods, batteries and porn. World War III is not going to happen.
ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown, which now airs for 63 hours each week, had both Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz on as guests. Chris Berman and the crew were successful in mending fences between the two head coaches. Here's the transcript:
Chris Berman: Welcome back to Sunday NFL Countdown. Five years ago, San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz had that infamous handshake gate.
Tom Jackson: Mmm... MMMMMMM...
Chris Berman: Now we have both coaches on the air, and hopefully they can settle their differences. Hello, Jim "Sergeant" Schwartz - he knows NASING! He knows SAMSING!
Tom Jackson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chris Berman: And hello, Jim "the hip bone's connected to the" Harbaugh!
Tom Jackson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chris Berman: Now, guys, do you really think it's worth it to start nuking each other? All because of some silly handshake gone awry?
Jim Schwartz: I'd call off the nukes if Harbaugh just apologizes to me.
Jim Harbaugh: WOOOOOOO!!! WHY WOULD I F***ING APOLOGIZE WHEN I'M THE F***ING BEST!?!?! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Chris Berman: Coach, Key, Philip, Eric, Emmitt, someone help me out here!
Mike Ditka: Now come on, g... it's to start acting like m... you're acting like ch... why don't you just forgive each oth... just shake hands like real m... stop this childish be...
Schwartz & Harbaugh: What!?
Mike Ditka: STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!
Jim Schwartz: I'll stop it if he says sorry. I have some serious sand in my vag right now, and it's really pissing me off, Coach!
Jim Harbaugh: WOOOOOOO!!! I'M THE BEST! YEAH!!!!!
Keyshawn Johnson: Come on, man!
Jim Schwartz: Come on where?
Keyshawn Johnson: I don't know. That's all I bring to the show.
Eric Mangini: Keyshawn, if I may, Jim and Jim, you both seem like cool guys. How would you guys like to come to my sleepover? You can watch me play Wii Sports and eat macaroni and cheese. Sometimes Todd Haley even brings naked pictures of his hot neighbor!
Jim Harbaugh: I DON'T NEED PICTURES OF ANYONE EXCEPT MYSELF - BECAUSE I'M THE BEST! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Eric Mangini: But guys, my sleepovers are the coolest...
Philip Rivers: Shut up, Mangina! No one wants to go to your stupid sleepovers. Not even Erin Andrews!
Eric Mangini: Na-uh!
Philip Rivers: Ya-huh! Remember when Erin Andrews said she had to wash her hair, so she couldn't come to your sleepover? Well that's because I went bowling with her! Ha!
Jim Harbaugh: Whoa, you went bowling with Erin Andrews? Hmm... Philip, you might be better than me if you could go out on a date with a hottie like that.
Emmitt: Now, Jim Harbone, just because Philip River went on a date with Eric Andrews do not mean that he better than anybody. Eric Andrew may or may not have hotness inside herselves, but that do not mean that the person who go on bowlingness with Eric Andrew is best.
Jim Harbaugh: That... you know... that totally made sense to me, Emmitt. I'm sorry, Schwartzy. I've been a total dick. And to tell the truth, I cheated at Monopoly. When you weren't looking, I made sure I landed on Boardwalk so I could buy it.
Jim Schwartz: That's OK, Harbs. I forgive you. Hey, let's hang out tonight. You can tell me what I should do when my quarterback's shoulder is falling off.
Chris Berman: See what happens on our show? And to think - some douche bag on a Web site named WalterFootball.com criticized ESPN for extending Sunday NFL Countdown to 63 hours.
Tom Jackson: Mmm... MMMMMMM...
We agree. We just wonder what WalterFootball.com has to say for himself now.