The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 16, 2018
Emmitt and Bill Belichick haven't crossed paths all that much over the years despite the fact that they happen to be the two most recent former coaches of the New England Patriots. Emmitt took a hiatus from New England's organization, but is now back with the team as the Arby's Distraction Chief of Operations. Belichick, meanwhile, happens to be the general manager of the Jets. The two met when Emmitt made the trip down to the Meadowlands on Thursday afternoon.
Emmitt's visit seemed to catch Belichick off-guard, as he wasn't even dressed in his usual attire when Emmitt walked into his office. He wasn't wearing a hoodie; rather just a plain, white t-shirt. It's safe to say that Emmitt was taken aback by this.
"Coach Billick, you not wearin' your usual shirt with hood on," Emmitt said. "This surprise me. Very surprise me. You always wearin' so many shirt with hood on that people thinkin' you the dad or maybe uncle of that girl little red robin hood, who got eatened by her grandma, who was a werewolf."
Belichick's didn't respond vocally. His facial expression didn't even change. He simply raised his arms in the air as if he were asking Emmitt what he was doing in his office. It took about five minutes, but Emmitt finally realized what Belichick was trying to convey.
"Coach Billick, I made the drive here to the Meadowlake to ask you a few question about the death of some guy who name Lloyd and the vanishment of Brandon... uhh... Brandon... I forgetted his last name, who also play for you in the month of 2012."
Belichick once again remaining silent and stoic, scratched his chin as if he were thinking of a possible culprit for these crimes. He then flung his arms wildly as if to indicate that he had no idea. Emmitt then told him that he had a few questions for him. Belichick nodded his head, allowing Emmitt to proceed.
"Coach Billick, where were you on the night of... uhh... I forget?" Emmitt asked. Belichick simply shook his head.
"Coach Billick, do you has an alibi?" Emmitt asked, clearing his throat. "And Coach, do you know what alibi mean because it is here on the paper somebody give me to ask you question, but I never even hearded of this word before."
Belichick, who continued to remain silent, simply turned his wrists to show that he didn't know either.
"This word probably a mistake," Emmitt assured himself. "The guy who wroted this probably forgot a couple of letter and he mean to say ability. Coach Billick, do you have an ability?"
Belichick didn't even respond to that. Emmitt then stared at his paper again.
"Coach, if my math correct on this, I has 98 more question for you," Emmitt said. "Question three, what have you doned with Brandon Lloyd - oh, his last name Lloyd; now I remember - what has you doned with Brandon Floyd's chicken finger? Question four, do you have motivate to kill a guy? Question five..."
Emmitt kept rolling off questions without giving Belichick a chance to reply. Not that he showed any willingness to give any sort of response anyway. When Emmitt got to the ninth question, Belichick stopped him. He put his hand on his shoulder and said something that was barely audible. It was muffled; almost as if there were something concealing his vocal cords.
"Can't ... ... now ... I'm busy ... for the game ... up ... the Pilgrims," Belichick seemed to say despite the fact that his mouth wasn't moving. "Those ... Brandon ... and ... Hitner are ... to be a ..."
What we think Belichick tried to tell Emmitt was that he's too busy trying to prepare for Sunday's game against the Washington Pilgrims - formerly the Redskins - because Brandon Meriweather and Donte Hitner would be a handful for his Jets.
Belichick would be correct - these two safeties have wreaked havoc upon the NFL - but it still doesn't explain why he was inaudible or why his mouth didn't move, or why he was wearing a t-shirt instead of a hoodie. Perhaps these are all valuable clues for the investigation. We only hope that Emmitt picks up on them rather than spending energy trying to remember Brandon Lloyd's last name.
NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2018
Bill Belichick's concerns about playing Brandon Meriweather and Donte Hitner were definitely warranted. The two Washington Pilgrim safeties committed heinous acts on the football field Sunday afternoon, enough for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to suspend them indefinitely.
The day started pleasantly enough. The Pilgrims honored two American Indian heroes on Native American Day. Chief Writes with Perm, formerly known as Peter King, and Chief Must Give Lectures, who was once called Bob Costas, were given commemorative plaques for their perseverance as those whose ancestors were once chased off their homeland. It was a beautiful ceremony, with a teary-eyed audience giving a 5-minute standing ovation to the pair of American Indian chiefs.
All of the warmth quickly faded away, however, as the Pilgrims took the field. Meriweather, who is known for dishing out violent helmet-to-helmet hits without any concern of being punished, revealed two long Samurai swords. As a Jets' receiver caught a pass and ran toward him, Meriweather swung both swords at the wideout's neck. Just like that, the New York player was decapitated. But it was only Stephen Hill, so no one really cared.
The official threw a flag for an unsportsmanlike penalty, but Meriweather wouldn't have any of it. He set one of his swords down, grabbed the referee's neck and shoved his head through the blade. He then grabbed a cup to collect all of the dripping blood.
"I'm Brandon the Impaler, and I shall drink the blood of all those who oppose me, muhahahaha!" Meriweather laughed manically.
It took five security guards to finally restrain Meriweather, and he was finally escorted into the locker room and tied to a chair. As if this weren't bad enough, Hitner made an announcement at halftime.
"I used to be Donte Whitner, and then I was Donte Hitner, and now I shall be known as Adonf HItner!" Hitner shouted the crowd.
There were some gasps and jeers from the audience, but most cheered Hitner's announcement.
"Vee shall deestroy all vide receevaz because zey not pure pozition!" Hitner sharply yelled, suddenly speaking with a German accent. "Vee must deestroy all zose who not pure pozition! Zen zee National American Football League not going to suspend us for hitting zee vide receevaz in zee helmoots vis our helmoots!"
Minutes later, the players took the field for the second half, sans the wide receivers and tight ends for both teams. They were nowhere to be found.
"Vee round up zee vide receevaz and send zem avay because zey not pure pozition!" Hitner told the media during the post-game press conference.
We're not going to lie - watching football without any receivers on the field was a bit strange. Every single play was a run by either the quarterback or the running back. The opposing defenses didn't have to worry about anyone burning them deep, so they were able to stack 11 men in the box. As a consequence, neither team scored after halftime, but at least Hitner was able to collide into the opposition as violently as he wanted to.
Meriweather and Hitner were suspended indefinitely Monday morning, but the NFL quickly reduced their punishment that evening. Ted Cottrell, the current arbiter of appeals, announced that both Meriweather and Hitner would miss the first 30 seconds of next week's contest against the Detroit Team D.
"I knew I wasn't going to face much of a punishment for decapitating Clyde Gates and impaling that dumb official!" Brandon the Impaler boasted. "I can kill as many people as I'd like, and the NFL won't ever do anything about it, so I won't learn any sort of lesson. I will continue to drink the blood of my enemies, and no one will stop me, muhahaha!"
Meriweather is right. As long as the NFL doesn't attempt to teach these guys to play football safely, players will either die or disappear. Cottrell, perhaps acknowledging this, promised that the next offender would be punished more severely.
"I've been thinking about, and I've determined the proper punishment for something like this would be a 45-second suspension. That's an increase of 50 percent!"