The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 25, 2016
The ultimate goal of any NFL team is to win the Super Bowl. To get there, you need to win your conference championship. For once, the Patriots were in the unenviable position of qualifying for their conference title game.
Coaches around the NFL all agreed this past week - they want nothing to do with the Raiders.
"Usually gettin' to the AFC Championship is a good tang but this year it's a bad tang," said Dolphins head coach Chan Gailey. "Before this year, good tang. Now, bad tang."
Bills head coach Boomer Esiason agreed.
"I'd rather hang out with Dan Marino than play the Raiders in the AFC Championship," Esiason said. "And I hate Dan Marino. I hope he burns in a pit of fire while someone slices his head off with an ax!"
Broncos head coach Brad Childress shared the same sentiment as his colleagues.
"The Romans had a better chance of not being sacked by the Visigoths than the Patriots have of staying within 500 points of the Raiders," Childress said. "Besides, the man-to-little boy ratio in Oakland is alarmingly low. Where have all the little children gone? I'd like to know the answer to that question before I venture back into that metropolis again."
Why was everyone afraid of battling the Raiders? Maybe it had something to do with Boris, a weapon that Al Davis obtained from the dark lord himself.
Boris stands at 66 feet and 6 inches tall. He weighs 66,666 pounds. And if that's not bad enough, he runs the 40-yard dash in 0.01 seconds.
"Boris is... a great... player..." said Al Davis before the game. "The fire... in Boris... has set a flame... that will burn... a long time... in the hearts and minds... of the Raider football team... and the Raider nation... he is a great player... just look at his 40 time... 0.01 seconds... he's the greatest... football player... ever..."
Boris helped the Raiders vanquish the Kansas City Chiefs and their 53 Tim Tebow clones by the score of 210-0 last week. So, how could the Patriots possibly stand a chance? While his colleagues were petrified of Boris, Emmitt remained calm, collected and grammatically confused.
"Everybody say they're scareful of battlin' a guy name Borat," Emmitt said. "Well, I seened the movie Borat, and the guy have a bear for a pet dog and a big black mambo for a wife. I do not understand why these make everyone scareful - very scareful - of Borat and the Oakland Razors."
Emmitt apparently didn't watch any film of that Raiders-Chiefs second-round blowout because he was taken aback upon seeing Boris in person on Sunday afternoon.
"Borat look a lot bit smaller on the television box," Emmitt said, shaking his head in dismay.
Quarterback Anthony Morelli was just as surprised.
"Haha eh yo, I drink so much beer that guy look real real real big haha, eh yo!" Morelli exclaimed.
As the two teams met for the coin toss, a loud roar was heard in the distance that even caught Boris off guard.
"Me WaNt WOmAn To CoOk DiNnEr NoW!!!!" the voice bellowed.
As those words echoed throughout the stadium, everyone Raider fan in the stands knew who it was. Seconds later, Tom Cable stormed out of the tunnel.
"Me NeEd WiFe To cOoK dInNeR nOW!!!!!" Cable repeated.
Boris noticed Cable and apparently had some sort of grudge against him.
"RAWWWRRR BORIS HATE TOM CABLE!" Boris screamed. "TOM CABLE BLAME BORIS FOR STEALING POOL TABLE GAME IN HELL ONE DAY!"
Cable stomped his foot on the ground.
"Me WeNt To WiFe tO tElL sHe To MaKe DiNnEr SO mE haVe EXcUsE fOr MisSiNg PoOl gAmE aNd lEaViNg PoOl TaBlE fOr FiVeMiNuTe!!!" Cable replied.
"RRAAWWWRR STILL NO EXCUSE BORIS FIND POOL TABLE EMPTY BORIS ALLOW TO PLAY POOL!" Boris shouted back.
"BuT Me PuNcH wIfE WhEn sHe SaY dInNeR nOT rEaDy yEt," Cable responded.
Boris apparently wasn't buying Cable's excuse. Boris clutched his right fist and swung at Cable. Being an expert fighter, Cable was able to dodge Boris' blow rather easily.
"Me pUnCh BoRiS nOw LiKe ME pUnCh WoMaN!!!" Cable barked.
Cable fired back a punch of his own, yelling "Cable uppercut!" in the process. As the blow struck Boris' jaw, Al Davis' treasured weapon skyrocketed out of the stadium.
Satisfied that his nemesis was gone, Cable clapped his hands and muttered, "NoW Me Go HoME tO tElL WiFe To MaKe DiNnEr."
With Boris gone, Oakland's entire game plan was thrown out the window. The Patriots won rather easily, 38-17.
"Football once again prove to be a team games," Emmitt said afterward. "Team that have centered around one team, or one player, to be more precise, usually do not do good in the doggone playoff. Next time, the Razors probably should sign a secondary player to complimize Borat."
We're still not sure if Emmitt realizes how lucky he is that a vengeful Tom Cable showed up and booted Boris out of the stadium. Regardless, the Patriots are headed to the Super Bowl for the third year in a row.
Okay, the cardinals arent over rated, didn't you say Kevin Minter was a one year wonder? How would losing him affect arizona? He won't be very good in cincy, im calling it now. Losing Tony Jefferson wasnt a huge deal either as we do Have Tyrann Mathieu, and Tyvon Branch and Antoine Bethea, ontop of Harlan Miller, who also isnt trash, maybe do some research, and why does Calais walking make us bad? He's older and will be less effective in Jacksonville, though i don't think our D-Line will be a world beater, i don't think Robert Nkemdiche will be bad, so there's that.