The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
EMMITT MEETS WITH COACHES IN ORDER TO BOUNCE BACK FROM LOSS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020
It took Emmitt a full 48 hours to recover from the embarrassing 49-0 loss to the Colts. Friends and family consoled him, reminding him that he wasn't even on the job for a week when the defeat happened, so the real blame should be put on former owner Robert Kraft.
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Nevertheless, Emmitt showed up to the team facility on Wednesday. He greeted reporters with some form of optimism.
"I feeled bad, but then I remember what my grandpa Emmitt Senior the Smith say, 'If you fall of a horse, you probably bad at riding horse, and you probably need to kill himselves.' This I remember, and this give me confident."
"So, you're not quitting, then, even though you are a racist?" one overzealous reporter asked.
"Let me give you another saying I belief in," Emmitt said, coolly. "It comed from a guy I look up to O.K. Simpson: 'If the glove do not fit, you must quit.' So, the only time you must quit is if the glove do not fit, and I do not see a glove around here, does you?"
The reporter was silent, probably because he was confused, leaving Emmitt in thought.
If only O.K. Simpson's wife and guy who make sexual with her not try to kill O.K. Simpson, he probably still probably making movie today.
Emmitt's first stop was to his defensive coordinator's office. Grizzle McGrizzleton was watching film on TV, holding a VCR remote fiercely.
"Hey, GrinkletonMc," Emmitt said. "Do you has any plan to improve the defense?"
"Defense wins championships," McGrizzleton growled to himself before he realized that his new boss was standing next to him.
"What did you ask?" McGrizzleton grumbled. "These damn new technology VCRs are really pissin' me off. I long for the good old days when we actually used film reels. Now that was innovation."
Emmitt realized he wouldn't get any answers from the frustrated McGrizzleton at the moment, so he walked down the hall and into head coach Josh McDaniels' office. His chair was empty, and McDaniels' secretary addressed Emmitt.
"Josh isn't here today," she said. "I think he said he was going out for a job interview. I would've told you, but since no one will hire him, I figured it to be pointless to say anything."
Emmitt nodded in agreement. He turned the corner and reached the film room. Offensive coordinator Anthony Morelli and the only quarterback on the roster, DeShone Kizer, were there. They too were watching film of Monday night's debacle, only Morelli was playing Candy Crush. He was on the first level.
"I no get game!!!" Morelli shouted. "Game call candy and I no can eat candy why I no can eat candy!?!?"
Kizer shook his head.
"I think you have to match the candies, but I have issues doing that as well," Kizer said solemnly. "I've tried to beat the first level many times, but it's befuddled me. Kind of like football...
"Hey, Mr. Emmitt, glad to see you here," Kizer said, now looking at his boss. "I'm sorry for the ugly performance, but I just can't stop throwing interceptions. I have no idea where my teammates are, and when I think I see one, I throw it to the other team by accident."
Emmitt tried to fake a smile.
"It will all be OK, Deshoneman," he said, knowing that he was lying to his quarterback.
ANOTHER MURDER AT GILLETTE STADIUM
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Oct. 9, 2020
As if last week's murder and the subsequent 49-0 loss to the Colts wasn't bad enough, there was yet another body found on the Gillette Stadium grounds. The second half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian, who was accused of trespassing despite claiming to be a non-paying customer who deserved to be there, joined his friend in the afterlife.
As with the first murder, there were no fingerprints or anything else to determine the DNA of the attacker. The only unusual feature of the homicide were the same marble chips found near the body, but this wasn't very strange, really, because the second body, like the first, happened to be discovered near a statue. This one was of the disgraced Bill Belichick.
"We have no leads," the police chief said. "It's strange that both murders are similar. Hopefully our top gumshoe can get to the bottom of this, but as of this moment, he's solving the case of Pinky Plummer's lost tooth collection."
Hours later, an autopsy unearthed something utterly shocking.
"It turns out that this second victim wasn't half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian," the police chief announced at a press conference. "This second victim was half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian and half-Hyrulian. Yes, we are 100-percent certain of this."
There were gasps among the throng of reporters congregated around the podium. It only got worse online, where lazy people who will never make a difference in any aspect expressed their opinions loud enough so that others would know how great of a human being they were.
"Half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian and half-Hyrulian people are way up on the victim scale," one lady with unshaven underarms tweeted. "Half-Norwegian, half-Korean and half-Transylvanian people have had it hard enough, but they don't come close to comparing to half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian and half-Hyrulians."
"This is an outrage," tweeted a YouTube celebrity no significant person cares about. "Emmitt kicked this half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian and half-Hyrulian out of Gillette Stadium, even though he was a non-paying customer. How could he do this? Emmitt is basically Hitler at this point!"
"Emmitt is certainly Hitler," a Harvard student with very wealthy parents agreed. "People will say that he saved the world from zombies, stopped the nuclear threat in North Korea and prevented the evil parallel universe from taking over ours, but do we know that any of this actually happened? After all, only Wolf News is reporting this, and anyone who trusts Wolf News is a fascist. And even if he did all this, which anyone with half a brain should doubt, it means nothing if he banishes non-paying half-Norwegian, half-Korean, half-Transylvanian and half-Hyrulian customers from his establishment, even if it's closed!"
Emmitt was the No. 1 trending topic that day on Twitter. Yet, all he could think about was how his Patriots could turn things around following an 0-4 start.