Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 1
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST DOLPHINS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 8, 2015
Expectations have never been higher in New England. After all, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history. Despite Emmitt Smith being the head coach and an inebriated Anthony Morelli handling the snaps all year, New England was flawless. The question now: Can they do it again?
"Winnin' the game last year gave us a lot of confidence, and it even gave us confidence in our own confidence," Emmitt said. "But sometime, all good thing must come to a close. Not every game this year will be like shootin' barrel in a fish. We bound to have some losts this year. Maybe even a couple losts."
Morelli, meanwhile, attempted to offer his own prediction, but failed miserably in the process of forming a coherent thought.
"Win game, haha, eh yo?" Morelli said. "Eh, win game, haha uhh... win game, eh yo. What up, win game! Haha, uhh... eh yo. Huh?"
One man in particular is feeling the pressure. With former offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels working with the original Tim Tebow on a side project - they would not reveal the details yet - Eric Mangini has been hired as a replacement. Mangini, who coached the Jets, Browns and Jets again for several years, has a defensive background, but was more than willing to take the offer to coach an offense for the first time in his career.
"I don't know the first thing about offense," Mangini admitted. "But this was an opportunity of a lifetime, except for the fact that my mom is making Shannon Sharpe work with me again. I've given Shannon the title of 'Assistant to the Offensive Coordinator.' He was pretty happy about that."
So, why did Mangini opt to become New England's offensive coordinator? His answer wasn't what you'd expect, unless, of course, you happen to know him very well.
"According to MapQuest, I'll be two hours and 11 minutes away from Bristol, Conn., which is where my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews works. We talked online last night for 35 minutes, and she only took an average of three minutes and 31 seconds to answer my IMs. But I'm not counting the last 15 minutes when she didn't answer because I bet she was kicked offline."
Mangini revealed that he plans to meet Andrews on Thursday afternoon prior to the season opener against the Dolphins.
"Erin Andrews picks up her step-brother Robby at 3:15 from school on Thursdays, so what I can do is leave practice at 1 p.m., drive to Bristol, see Erin Andrews, and come back here by 6 o'clock. I'll be right on time for the game!"
Emmitt was not pleased with his new coordinator's day trip.
"We hire Eric Mangenius because we thought he could give a big contribulation to the offense," Emmitt said. "Now, he drivin' down to Brissmus to see his ex-girlfriend. These are not the type of dedictions I would expect from a man who call himselves Mangenius."
After Emmitt and Mangini discussed it, however, Mangini was granted the opportunity to drive to Bristol.
"I told Emmitt that Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend, and that I love her," Mangini said. "I even brought my Teddy Ruxpin binoculars so I can see her from a distance. Oh man, I wish I was allowed to talk to her in person!"
PATRIOTS BLAST DOLPHINS WITHOUT MANGINI
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 11, 2015
As it turns out, the Patriots don't need an offensive coordinator to win a football game.
Eric Mangini, who promised to return to Foxborough by 6 p.m. - two-and-a-half hours prior to kickoff - failed to make it back on time. His excuse - he was arrested outside of Richard M. Nixon Elementary and Middle School.
"They said I was stalking Erin Andrews!" Mangini whined after Robert Kraft bailed him out of jail. "Here's what happened, I was looking at her from behind the bushes with my Teddy Ruxpin binoculars, and she saw me and pointed to me. I think she was excited to see me! But then, some cops came, put me in handcuffs and dragged me off to jail. They told me to stop stalking Erin Andrews. I tried to tell them that I was her almost boyfriend, but they just laughed at me."
Kraft was very displeased that he had to drive all the way to Bristol, Conn. to bail his offensive coordinator out of jail.
"I was eating my fifth lunch at Arby's, and I suddenly get a call," Kraft said. "I was furious. No one disturbs my Arby's time! They told me I had to bail this Mangina character out of jail. I told them that I didn't even remember hiring them, but then my secretary said I was in an Arby's food coma when it happened, so that makes sense. Still though, this pisses me off."
Perhaps Kraft would be angrier if the Patriots actually had lost. New England cruised to an easy 56-0 victory over a completely inept Miami team trying to figure things out in its new regime.
For the second year in a row, the Dolphins hired a Buffalo Bills reject as their head coach. Chan Gailey was given the job in January. Gailey brought along general manager Buddy Nix, who was with him in Buffalo.
Despite their immense need for a quarterback, the Dolphins eschewed Timmy Clausen (no relation to Jimmy) with the sixth pick in the 2015 NFL Draft. Instead, they opted to sign former Redskins quarterback Heath Shuler, who hadn't taken a single NFL snap since 1997 prior to last night's game.
"I laugh when idiots like WalterFootball.com, Matt McGuire and Mel Kiper say that you need a franchise quarterback to win in this league," Nix barked before the game. "I'm going to prove them all wrong by winning with a quarterback who hasn't even been in the league in 17 years! Ha!"
With Shuler under center, Gailey was able to orchestrate his dream offense, which consisted of nothing but running plays and 1-yard completions. Shuler finished 30-of-30 for 30 yards. Despite the 56-0 loss, however, Gailey remained encouraged.
"We saw some good tangs and we saw some bad tangs," Gailey said. "The trick is gettin' more good tangs to happen than bad tangs happen. If that happen, then more good tangs will be happenin' for us than bad tangs."
Though Miami's offensive ineptness was a major factor in the blowout, credit must be given to Shannon Sharpe, the Patriots' new assistant to the offensive coordinator. Despite never working with Sharpe before, quarterback Anthony Morelli seemed to understand Sharpe perfectly, seemingly forming a close bond with the new coach. The two addressed the media together afterward.
"Haha eh yo, Shannon, uh, eh yo," Morelli said at the post-game press conference.
"w8rg oqr l3r sd9gg 932t; sdvj 32r plgkbn nqwoiqw(UD we9gf^ weg8hw," Sharpe said.
"Uhh... haha, eh, eh yo, what up G!?" Morelli yelled.
"^&F wefho g lre0o 8 s ewfg3 erbk dfkv sd oxygen fg7we kfdnkv g rej," Sharpe responded.
"Haha, uhh... eh yo, red couch, haha, eh yo," Morelli answered.
"8 ee 8gfew eouie hemoglobin e8gfhweg9 e vowig 80g r la slo hwghro," Shannon replied.
The two went on like this for 30 minutes. It was as if they were former childhood best friends who hadn't seen each other in years. Emmitt remarked that he was pleased with their relationship, but warned that the team still had room for improvement going forward.
"Everybody in this room think we are goin' 21-0 again," Emmitt said. "But I must warned you, do not count their egg before they hatches. The NFL have a long season, a long season full of hardships and soft ships and ships that are not hard or not soft, but somewhere in the middle, like a loaf of bread that is hard on the outside, but soft on the inside."
We were left wondering - would Emmitt be more optimistic if he had someone in the New England Patriots organization who actually understood him like Morelli currently does?
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBERíS POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
NFL Picks - Jan. 25
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Jan. 21
2016 NFL Mock Draft - Jan. 18
2015 NBA Mock Draft - Jan. 7
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5
NFL Free Agents
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