The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 5, 2017
All these years, we've been wondering what happens behind the closed doors of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's estate. Sure, we've seen the lavish exterior - the arbor, the platinum and diamond statues of Goodell, and of course the crocodile-infest moat - but never has anyone laid eyes on anything inside the $50 million residence. Until now.
Thanks to the appalling, dying admission of replacement official Jerry Frump, the courts had given permission to Emmitt and the media to enter the mansion to question and a possibly arrest Goodell for his alleged leadership role in Bountygate II.
So there we were - marching right behind Emmitt toward Goodell's front door. Fortunately, the drawbridge was down, so we were able to cross without being eaten by hungry crocodiles. Emmitt approached the front door, which was covered in rubies, sapphires and emeralds, and cavalierly pushed it open without even knocking. Emmitt was so cool and confident that we briefly forgot that he can't put a proper sentence together if his life depended on it.
Goodell was standing in the hallway, glancing up at a giant, oval-shaped mirror hanging on the wall. The frame of the mirror was pure gold, while the glass itself was the cleanest and most reflective we had ever seen. Goodell suddenly spoke, addressing the mirror.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest sports commissioner of them all?" Goodell asked.
"You, my Goodell, are fairest of all," the mirror replied. "But there are a**holes here who disagree."
Goodell turned out, his mouth agape, as he was completely taken unawares.
"How did you... how did you get past my hungry crocodiles?" Goodell asked. "I stopped feeding them sacrificed babies for several months so that they would be extra ferocious when intruders approached my humble abode."
Still expressing unwavering confidence, Emmitt completely ignored Goodell's question.
"I am gonna be askin' the question here," Emmitt declared, motioning Goodell over to a chair. Goodell obeyed the implied command and sat down.
"I talk to the replacin' official yesterday Jerry Fr... uhh... Fr... uhh... the Jerry on the day before today," Emmitt said. "The Jerry tolded me that you order him to shove the hamster animal and mayonnaise animal into the player backside. The Jerry then kill himselves, which lead me to belief that he tellin' the bald-face truth."
Goodell broke down in tears instantly.
"Yes, yes, I did it, I did it," Goodell whimpered. "I gave the Jerry - I mean Jerry Frump the orders to do all that but... wait... did you just say that mayonnaise was an animal?"
Emmitt didn't answer the question; instead, he revealed the handcuffs he bought at the local sex shop earlier that morning.
"I'm placin' you under the rest," Emmitt said to a shocked Goodell. "Whatever you say may or may not be use against you in the court of law or in the court of basketball. You has a right to a att... att... uhh... the att thing that come after the word I just say."
Everything seemed to be going smoothly - until Goodell was released from jail an hour later. Emmitt addressed the confused media in a press conference later that day.
"Yes, for those of you who do not see the news on the radio, I release Roger Goldman from under the rest," Emmitt said. "I talk to him in jail, and he tolded me that he only do the thing with the Jerry because he under the dress. Somebody kidnap one of his statue, or statuenap one of his statue, and the bad guy telled him he not goin' see the statue unless he get some player to shove hamster and mayonnaise in the backside."
So Goodell wasn't the true mastermind? He was doing this because he was under duress? Duress from whom? Fortunately, Emmitt has a lead.
"Roger Goodman sayed to me that all road lead to Dallas, that somethin' funny goin' on in the state of Dallas," Emmitt said. I look on Mapquests, and he shown me direction to get to Dallas from this country, but he very confuse myselves, so I hire a guy who read the Mapquest to help me go back to Dallas, where I onced play for the Cowboy."
So, no arrest, but if Emmitt ever makes it back to Dallas, perhaps he'll have a better idea as to whom the Bountygate II mastermind is.
NO MASTERMIND, BUT SOMEONE IS PUT TO JUSTICE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2017
Emmitt was supposed to arrive at his old stomping grounds sometime Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, he didn't get there until Tuesday.
"The guy I hire to help myselves read the Mapquests lead me astraight," Emmitt said. "We both got losted so many time, I lost count. I got up to the letter 12, but I do not know what go after that letter!"
We'll spare Emmitt the humiliation by pointing out that 13 comes after 12 - oops, I guess we just did that - but we can only imagine how boggled his mind is right now after getting lost for four days.
So, what happened? Well, the Mapquest cartographer - whatever the hell that is - whom Emmitt hired was a lemon who indeed led Emmitt astray. The Mapquest cartographer was none other than Ryan Tannehill, quarterback of the Miami Dolphins.
"Derrr... I dink Dallas was on the East Coast right next to Kansas City, derrr..." Tannehill said with drool coming out of his mouth.
Emmitt and Tannehill did in fact travel to the Atlantic Coast, only to be told that their destination was in the south. They then boarded a plane that flew south.
"Derrr... I den dink Dallas in da Soudern Hemisphere, derrr..." Tannehill continued, as his eyes rolled to the back of his head.
Fortunately, the two eventually found their way to their destination, albeit randomly; the two took a flight to Houston, thinking it was near Dallas in the Middle East. They lucked out; otherwise, they'd still be searching.
Emmitt took a trip to Cowboys' practice. As a former great on America's team, he was greeted warmly by 52 players on the roster. The 53rd, however, bolted as soon as he saw Emmitt, screaming, "Ah s***, he found me!"
That player was Kevin Ogletree, who managed to elude Emmitt for only an hour. Emmitt eventually caught up to him. He grabbed Ogletree, slammed him against a brick wall and demanded answers.
"You very suspicion for runnin' away from myselves!" Emmitt shouted. "Tell me everythang you known about Bountygrade II!"
Ogletree, who was darn near close to soiling himself, spilled the beans. It turns out that he kidnapped Jessica Simpson back in 2012 in an effort to get Tony Romo to throw the ball to him on every third play of the season opener. It worked brilliantly and fooled fantasy football players everywhere, but Ogletree felt bad, so he planned to return Simpson to Romo at the end of the year. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell caught wind of this, however, and told Ogletree that the "higher-ups" demanded that Simpson remain kidnapped as a distraction from the forthcoming Bountygate II.
Ogletree led Emmitt to his residence, where the grammatically challenged running back found the starlet tied and gagged in Ogletree's basement. Oddly enough, former Patriot assistant coaches Eric Mangini and Shannon Sharpe were also down there. The two men, who were watching TV when Emmitt walked in, were startled to see their former boss. Emmitt immediately wanted answers.
"You, Shannon and Mangina, you my former assistance, what are you doin' down here in the attic with Jessica Sampson?" Emmitt asked.
"Shut up, Shannon, no one cares about your hemorrhoids," Mangini interjected. "I was trying to learn from the great Ogletree how to kidnap my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews so she'll go out on a date with me. The great Ogletree said he'd teach me after practice, but you showed up and ruined my private lesson!"
Emmitt shook his head in frustration and walked outside.
"I am never gonna find the guy who torture the animal hamster and the animal mayonnaise," he lamented.
Emmitt wasn't watching where he was going and nearly bumped into Tannehill, who apparently had been tagging along the whole time.
"Derr... did you just say da hamstar and da mayonnaise?" Tannehill asked. "I know where dat is."
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.