The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Wednesday, Oct. 9, 2013
When members of the same team get into a fight in the NFL, one can usually assume that the two culprits were players who got into a heated battle during practice. Seldom do you see a pair of coaches grabbing at each other's throats.
Well, that's exactly what happened during Tuesday's coaches' meeting. An argument between offensive coordinator Brad Childress and defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel began during the meeting and escalated into a physical brawl.
Luckily, the Boston Beat bugged the room, allowing us to share part of the conversation with you, the reader:
EMMITT: "OK guys, how are we going to stop the Oakland Rangers even though they has not won a game yesterday or this season? Dennis Green is a good coach. We need to outwise him so we can score more points than the other teams."
CHILDRESS: "First we need to decide if we're going to kick the ball to Devin Hester 100 percent of the time or just 99 percent of the time."
ROMEO: "Too much thinking. Can we take cookie break first?"
CHILDRESS: "we just started the meeting, you fat POS! Now, our best player is Randy Moss. I recommend that we exclude him from our gameplan. That will fool everyone!"
ROMEO: "Please please please can we take cookie break?"
CHILDRESS: "Shut up! Just shut up! We need to figure out how we're not going to incorporate any screens into our gameplan! Also, let's use all our timeouts early so we don't have any left at the end of the game! I learned that from my old boss, Andy Reid."
ROMEO: "Cookie break now!"
CHILDRESS: "I ate your cookies, fattie! Ha! No cookies for you!"
Childress threw about 20 punches, all of which bounced off Crennel. Crennel then threatened to eat Childress in order to recover his precious Oreos, but was restrained by offensive line coach Jon Runyan.
Outraged, Emmitt suspended both Childress and Crennel for Sunday's game against the Raiders, and announced that he would gameplan for the contest on his own.
After watching film of Dennis Green's meltdown against the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football in 2006, Emmitt called a press conference to discuss his strategy. Emmitt announced that he would copy Chicago's game plan of trailing by a huge deficit at halftime.
"On 2006, the Bears made a huge comeback on offense, defense and special team to catch up to Atlanta's incircumfermable lead," Emmitt said. "We will try to struggle to score on offense on purpose, so we can lose by a big score at halftime. Then we will come back with a ven... uh... van... uh... strong."
In other news, every sportsbook in Las Vegas dropped the point spread of this game from 17.5 to three.
RAIDERS BLOW RECORD LEAD; COACH TO MENTAL HOSPITAL
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Oct. 14, 2013
For 58 minutes, New England's pristine 5-0 record appeared very much in danger.
Emmitt's plan as a whole backfired, though the first part succeeded, as Oakland quickly jumped out to a 34-0 lead by halftime. It helped that all the Patriots did offensively was kneel down on every play.
Unfortunately, the comeback part of Emmitt's strategy wasn't working. The Patriots couldn't stop the Raiders offense. Crennel's absence had a major impact, as the defense was often confused and disoriented. On one drive, New England had 15 men on the field five plays in a row. On the next drive, New England had just seven players on the field for the entire possession. On another drive, the Patriots had nine defensive linemen up front with two linebackers manning the secondary.
"We definitely have some defensive confusion," Emmitt said. "I cannot suspended Ronald Crennel again. He know how to send the players out on the field."
Meanwhile, New England's offense was even worse. Anthony Morelli, who was tested for a 1.9 blood-alcohol level after the game, tossed interception after interception. Morelli was eventually benched in favor of Kevin O'Connell, though Emmitt stated that he still believes in Morelli.
"Kevin O'Donald is a good quarterback but Anderson Morelli is my guy," Emmitt stated. "He have uh... gold in his brain and he have strong will and might."
Once the score was 55-0 with two minutes remaining, there were no Patriots fans left in the stadium. Maybe they should have waited until the fat lady sang. Devin Hester, who signed a 5-year, $800 million contract this offseason, fumbled the ball, which was returned for a touchdown. New England then recovered three consecutive onside kicks, which it returned for touchdowns. The Raiders finally recovered the next kickoff, but fumbled it way for yet another Patriots score. Things finally seemed to settle down when Oakland obtained the succeeding kick without coughing it up.
At 55-35 with 1:20 remaining, things still seemed bleak for the Patriots. That changed when Darren McFadden fumbled the ball for New England's sixth-consecutive score. Another onside kick and a quick touchdown later, and the Patriots were inexplicably to within six with a minute left. Oakland recovered the ball on the next kickoff, but was held to a three-and-out by the Patriots, who finally had the correct formation on the field. Dennis Green was seen shaking on the sidelines.
Thanks to a solid punt return, New England held the ball at midfield with six seconds on the clock. O'Connell dropped back in the pocket, waited for his receivers to reach the end zone, launched a Hail Mary and... touchdown! Randy Moss caught it! Following an extra point, the Patriots secured their preposterous victory to improve to 6-0.
"I am very proud to be the head coach of the New England," Emmitt said. "We had a good game on offense and uh... the other thing that's not the offense."
Meanwhile, many were expecting another magical Green meltdown. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Green, who was trembling, had to be carted off in a straight jacket as he continuously repeated, "They are... who we thought... let them off... hook... played em in... played em in preseason..."
It's safe to say that Al Davis wasn't too pleased.
"Dennis Green... is a traita'... and I know that he mastaminded this loss," Davis declared, as his skin was peeling off of his face and on to the podium. "It is not fair... for JaMarcus Russell... to have this loss on his resume. In fact... I will petition to the commissioner... Paul Tagliabue... to have this loss nullified.... from JaMarcus Russell's permanent record. JaMarcus Russell is a great player, Paul! Get over it!"
Amid reviewing game film to find any signs of sabotage, Al Davis won't have time to find a new head coach, save for the remote possibility that Green breaks out of his mental hospital, steals a little girl's bicycle and rides off wearing a red helmet. Davis said that because he won't have much time, he'll resort to his fallback plan of digging Art Shell out of his grave yet again.
Shell will be Oakland's head coach for the third time, marking the second instance he does it as a mere corpse. If you're a virgin in the Oakland area, you should be advised to leave town, as your blood could be used to barely reanimate Shell on a weekly basis.