The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA; HAVE DINNER WITH KING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Dec. 5, 2014
Five years ago, no one ever would have imagined that an NFL game would be played on North Korean soil.
Of course, everything changed in March 2013, when North Korea and the United States agreed to a peace treaty. King of North Korea, Kim Jong Il, asked for just few things in return for an alliance: three iron ores, a Tiger Woods-signed golf ball, a salamander egg, a thong, and an NFL game every five years. This is that contest.
Last year, the Patriots and Bills battled in Afghanistan in front of only three people on Osama B. Laden Field. However, King Kim Jong Il promised that things would be different in his country. In fact, he invited the entire Patriots team to his castle for a feast.
"King Kong the Second was hospitality," Emmitt said. "He was very hospitality. He was so hospitality I cannot even begin to prescribe how hospitality he was during the fooding."
King Kim Jong Il, who wore a colorful sundress and matching lipstick, spent the entire meal talking about how great he was and all of the things he accomplished during his life.
"King Kong have told us that he made three hole-in-ones on a mini-golf course one times," Emmitt said. "Of course I have once made five hole-in-ones in one hole during a mini-golf game, but I did not think it would be hospitality of me to brag in front of King Kong. It is very important to be very hospitality."
King Kim Jong Il also promised the Patriots that they would have an entire stadium packed with people cheering them on. He ensured that anyone not at the game would be charged with high treason and sentenced to murder.
"Oh jeeezth it's very important that we show the world how advanced our country has become," King Kim Jong Il announced. "Oh jeeezth, everyone's gonna be watching. I better look my best! Oh jeeezth! Oh jeeeezth!"
Meanwhile, Bills head coach Boomer Esiason was fuming that his team wasn't invited to Kim Jong Il's castle.
"It just goes to show that most people aren't as smart as me," Esiason sneered. "Now that I think about it, I'm sure Dan Marino organized his guest list and purposely left me and my team off of it. I hate that Dan Marino bastard. He's going to pay."
Marino predictably had no opinion on the matter.
PATRIOTS SQUEAK BY BILLS, IMPROVE TO 13-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 8, 2014
It was everything you would come to expect from a Patriots-Bills game. In fact, some may argue that this was Boomer Esiason's craziest performance yet.
Right after kickoff, Esiason borrowed a pink megaphone from King Kim Jong Il. Esiason announced, "This is what I like to call the 'Dan Marino Sucks Play!' Watch this!"
At that point, Buffalo quarterback Colt Brennan handed it off to Patriots nose tackle Vince Wilfork, who rumbled into the end zone.
After the ensuing kickoff, Esiason again announced, "Now, you will all watch the 'Dan Marino Really Sucks Play!' This is how Marino choked in all of his games!"
Brennan then tossed the ball underhanded to cornerback Terrence Wheatley, who scored on a second Patriots pick-six to make it 14-0.
After a touchback, Esiason once again barked out his play to all the confused North Koreans in the stands, who didn't know when or whom to cheer.
"This is what I like to call the 'Dan Marino Can Suck My Nuts Play!'"
Brennan took the snap, did a 180, and hurled the ball toward his end zone. Unfortunately, Brennan didn't have the arm strength to fling the ball 20 yards. The ball landed at the 5-yard line, allowing rookie linebacker Mike Hull to scoop it up and run into the end zone.
This continued for two more series until Esiason was worn out. He then asked Brennan to take three knees and punt it away the rest of the game.
However, things tightened up in the middle of the fourth quarter. Despite the Patriots being up 35-0, King Kim Jong Il, dressed in a wedding gown, declared that his communistic principles stated that New England had to relinquish 17 of its points to Buffalo because no team was, according to King Il, "worthy of having too many points more than the other, oh jeeezth!"
Luckily, Anthony Morelli was sober enough to complete enough passes to run the clock out. The Patriots won, 18-17, improving to 13-0 on the year.
"King Kong Junior Il really surprise me by subtractioning point from us," Emmitt said. "One more point and we would have been tie, and two more point and we would have been lossed for sure. But as the old Latino pronoun go, 'When in Rome, do what the Rome people tell you to do or you will be hit upside the head.'"
We're still trying to figure that one out, but at least Emmitt's stance on playing games in Asia was a bit more lucid.
"I find the land of North Korean very interesting," Emmitt said. "This is the first time I have been to the continent of Asian, and I must have? uhh? has to say that it was a unique experiments for me. The next time I travel to the continent of Asian, I will visit the North Korean brotherland of West Korean."