Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 16
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2016
Like many of you, we've barely tolerated Merril Hoge for years. We've listened to his inane analysis, inexplicable bias toward certain quarterbacks and incoherent exclamations about "factor backs," and what not.
Little did we know that as Hoge was making countless appearances on ESPN, he was plotting to destroy the world.
Hoge, as always, was one of the analysts on the watered-down version of NFL Primetime on Monday. He had the following to say about Robert Griffin's performance in a blowout victory Sunday.
"When I look at Robert Griffin, I see a terrible throwing motion and poor mechanics," Hoge said. "I don't care if he's winning games by the score of 59-0 every week. The guy is overrated and no good. The Browns need to utilize their factor back. Their factor back! FACTOR BACK!"
As Hoge shouted those final two words, the ground shook. It then split open, with lava gushing everywhere. Trey Wingo and Trent Dilfer were mercifully sucked into the crevasse.
And then suddenly, something emerged. It had scaly skin and a long tail. It towered 50 feet in the air, and at the very top, it had the same horrible crew cut that Hoge has been sporting for years. It slammed one of its massive claws onto the ground, causing a major earthquake all along the East Coast.
The monstrosity then bellowed, "Factor Back! Factor Back! FACTOR BACK!!!" spewing scorching flames out of its mouth in the process.
Hoge then waved his scepter high in the air and addressed the demon.
"Lord Factor Back," Hoge yelled. "I have used the words 'factor back' consecutively 66,666 times during my tenure with ESPN. With the 66,666th iteration, I have summoned thee to do my bidding. Now, off we go, to destroy Tim Tebow once and for all!"
Lord Factor Back bent down its head so Hoge could climb onto its back. They then flew westward toward the Rocky Mountains.
Several attempts were made to stop Lord Factor Back on Tuesday. One of Al Davis' lab creations, Glandor, a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound specimen who once ran a 40-yard dash in 0.6 seconds, but was slowed to a 2.5 40 after an accident, was sent to dispatch Lord Factor Back. Unfortunately, he failed. Glandor was scorched from head to toe while listening to some of Hoge's ridiculous football analysis, which reduced his 40 time to a mere 3.5.
"Glandor... is no longa... a great... playa..." a sullen Al Davis said in a press conference hours later.
But what about Al Davis' other synthetic beast, Boris? If you recall, Tom Brady used a Tiger Uppercut to launch the 66-foot monster into the sky last January. Cable, meanwhile, wasn't available because he was busy assaulting his new wife.
As it stands now, Lord Factor Back is set to land in Denver by Wednesday afternoon.
Can anyone save Tebow, or are we all doomed to watch our lord and savior torched to smithereens? If you're reading this and can stop Lord Factor Back, please help.
LORD FACTOR BACK SUBDUED; PEACE RESTORED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 22, 2016
When we pleaded for help in yesterday's article, we truthfully weren't expecting anyone to respond. After all, how can you stop a 50-foot, 50,000-pound demonic beast controlled by a madman who has spent the last six years plotting Tim Tebow's demise?
Former New England Patriots head coach Emmitt Smith stepped up to the plate.
"I do not has the power and the strong to debacle Lord Fraction Back," Emmitt conceded. "But somethin' I do has is the mind, the wise and the smart."
We would have disputed Emmitt's claim if we weren't faced with such difficult times. Since he was the only person willing to destroy Lord Factor Back, all of our hopes rested with him. God help us, we thought.
Emmitt and his squire, Blaine Gabbert, were fortunate enough to be close to the Denver area, so they were able to beat Lord Factor Back to Mile High. Emmitt and Gabbert stood at the 50-yard line and watched as Lord Factor Back swooped down, with Merril Hoge seated regally upon the demon's back.
"Factor Back!" Hoge commanded.
"RAWR, FACTOR BACK!" Lord Factor Back replied, roasting the goal posts in the back of the end zone.
"You have seen the power of my Lord Factor Back," Hoge boasted. "Now, Emmitt, bring me Tim Tebow, or you and your blond, gay lover will be burned alive."
Emmitt stood resilient, unwilling to back down to Hoge's threats.
"Merris Hoge, first of all, this guy here not my lover, though he might be homophobe, I do not know," Emmitt said, clearing his throat. "And firstly, why do you hate Tim Tebone so much. Why do it matter if he not a good mechanic? He not require to fix car or train when he playin' quarterback."
What Emmitt said disturbed Lord Factor Back.
"Rawr... Factor... Back?" Lord Factor Back looked around quizzically.
"Merris, why do you hate everybody on TV, includin' Tim Tebone and Blake Griffin?" Emmitt continued. "Maybe you need to look inside and realize that the only person you hatin' is yourselves."
Upon hearing this, Lord Factor Back shook his head violently.
"Lord Factor Back... does not understand... horrible grammar... agh!!!" Lord Factor Back muttered.
"Now!" Emmitt shouted, looking at Gabbert.
"I hope no one hits me!" Gabbert squealed like a little girl. He closed his eyes and heaved a javelin at Hoge. Unfortunately, the javelin was way off its mark. It sailed into the upper deck, where it hit one of the electronic advertisement banners.
Heavy sparks spewed forth from the banner, igniting some of the seats. One of the seats fell out of the upper deck and onto a Gatorade cooler on the sideline. The cooler then flipped into the air and came splashing down on Hoge, who dropped his scepter. That's when he lost control over Lord Factor Back.
"Lord Factor Back will no longer be controlled by a horrible NFL analyst!" Lord Factor Back shrieked. It crushed Hoge's scepter, picked up the ESPN analyst with its massive claws and hurled him into outer space.
Thanks to Emmitt and Gabbert's heroics, peace has been restored. They were both awarded medals, though Gabbert cowered with fright and closed his eyes when presented with his reward.
Meanwhile, Wingo and Dilfer were regrettably able to climb out of the fiery crevasse they tumbled into on Monday. They will continue to host NFL Primetime. But who will take Hoge's spot, you ask? Why, it's Lord Factor Back, himself.
"I promise to be unbiased toward quarterbacks," Lord Factor Back said. "I also vow to engulf Wingo and Dilfer in flames if they get too annoying."
NFL Primetime just got a whole lot better.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
NFL Picks - Oct. 30
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
© 1999-2014 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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