The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2016
When the players and owners agreed to a 10-year Collective Bargaining Agreement in July 2011, we all assumed that we would be guaranteed football until 2020. That, apparently, is not the case. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell enacted an obscure clause Tuesday morning, freezing all league activity and essentially reinstating the lockout.
"It's right here, on Page 69, heh, of the new CBA," Goodell said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. "What, you can't see it? It's right at the bottom. You'll need a magnifying glass to see it. I told my lawyers to use size-one font when they typed this up, buhahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Goodell laughed menacingly for five straight minutes. He then explained the new lockout.
"Allow me to read this fine print for you, since all of you journalists have irresponsibly forgotten your magnifying glasses, just like those idiot players and their lawyers," Goodell said. "The fine print states, 'Overlord Goodell may cease the lockout on the first business day after Christmas 2016 for the following reasons: 1) There is a nuclear holocaust. 2) There is a shortage of painting supplies needed to complete naked self-portraits of said overlord. 3) Overlord Goodell feels it."
Goodell told us that he's only looking for five things. If they are met, the lockout will end quickly. There was cause for optimism when Goodell revealed this to us - until he actually delved into the five terms. Here they are:
Games: If you thought an 18-game season would be too long, you'll get a kick out of this. Goodell announced that he wants to move to a 180-game campaign.
"What? I don't think that's unreasonable," Goodell said. "Think about it this way: The NFL players now get 185 days off - 186 days during a leap year - by my calculations. What other profession gives its employees 185 days off? They should consider themselves lucky."
With 164 games tacked onto the schedule, one would assume the players would make more money. Well, that brings us to Term 2.
Money: Goodell suggested that the NFL players will have to take a massive paycut.
"These guys are all making six, seven, even eight figures - that's just way too much," Goodell said. "I'd like to propose that all players only make $1 per year. Perhaps even $2 if they happen to make the Pro Bowl, but I'll have to think about that one. I don't want to be too generous."
So, where will all of the money go? Will the owners pocket it? Nope.
"I need to fund my self-portraits," Goodell revealed. "Right now, I'm just using ordinary paints and pastels. If you really want these portraits of yours truly to be exquisite, then I need to use rare materials, such as dragon blood and angel tears. Unfortunately, these supplies cost an inordinate amount of money, so I'm sure all of the players will understand."
Kickoffs: No one liked Goodell's decision to move the kickoffs from the 30-yard line to the 35. The commissioner is about to piss off more people.
"We will be moving kickoffs all the way up to the opposing 5-yard line," Goodell announced. "There were simply too many injuries occurring in kickoffs, so I'd rather go to an extreme to be safe than sorry."
But wouldn't teams simply attempt onside kicks from the opposing 5-yard line? And if so, wouldn't there be more collisions?
"I have outlawed all onside kicks as well," Goodell stated. "Teams must kick off from the opposing 5-yard line. No ifs, ands or buts."
Discipline: Goodell clarified the role of the newly instituted Skittle Warriors.
"The Skittle Warriors will handle all disciplinary decisions," Goodell said. "I must save all my energy for my paintings. I do not have time to deal with any discipline, and I trust the Skittle Warriors."
Capt. JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, sat next to Goodell and fielded a few questions.
"Haha... uhh... I dunno I tink it is serious maybe, do ya tink so?" Russell asked/said when questioned about helmet-to-helmet contact causing concussions. "People hit with head on head and I tink it maybe make player dizzy, do ya tink so?"
As much as we despise Goodell, we wish he would handle these situations. Goodell did say he would take care of one player, however...
James Harrison: Goodell apparently hates James Harrison.
"Under these new rules, I will be able to light James Harrison on fire at least once per week," Goodell revealed. "Then, I will have the option of urinating on him to extinguish the flames, upon which I will likely decline - unless I really need to go - and promptly laugh at him."
NFL players definitely aren't reacting too well to the new lockout. They've already fired former executive director DeMaurice Smith for not being aware of Goodell's fine print. There's no word yet on who will replace Smith, but why do we have the feeling that it'll be someone with the same last name?
NFL LOCKOUT SETTLED THANKS TO EMMITT SMITH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Dec. 30, 2016
We wrote Wednesday that we had a hunch that Emmitt would replace DeMaurice Smith as the executive director of the NFL Players' Association. We also had confidence that Emmitt would shut down NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's new lockout. We just didn't think it would happen this quickly.
Emmitt was named as the new executive director of the NFLPA on Wednesday morning. He ended the lockout by Thursday evening without Goodell getting any of his new rules passed. His secret to success? Giving Goodell exactly what he wanted all along.
"Roger Goldman very vain, which obviously mean he have a lot of vein inside," Emmitt explained. "When somebody have a lot of vein in the body, that mean the blood flow very fast and all around, and that mean you just gotta get down to business with that person, or else the blood boil very fast and hot, and it all come bubblin' out of the pot, or the mouth, in this examples."
We weren't following what Emmitt was saying at first, but it then became clear that he understood that Goodell just wanted the dragon blood and angel tears for his self-portraits. All of his rule changes - perhaps with the exception of the James Harrison rule - were just conduits for him to obtain his precious art materials.
Emmitt sat down with Goodell on Wednesday evening and asked the commissioner if the lockout would end the original rules would be reinstated if he could procure dragon blood and angel tears. Goodell eagerly agreed to those terms.
"My self-portraits are way more important than anything else in the world," Goodell said. "Yes, I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to laugh at James Harrison as he's being engulfed by flames every week, but I guess that's the price I have to pay."
Obtaining the angel tears was easy. Because angels cry whenever a child is being raped, molested or playfully whipped by a towel in the locker room, Eagles' defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had an ample supply in his garage. Emmitt is Sandusky's attorney and got him off on all charges earlier this year, so Sandusky had no choice but to give the angel tears to him.
"It truly was a no-brainer," Sandusky said. "Without any NFL games, I won't be able to horse around with any of the ball boys in the shower, and that would absolutely be a lose-lose for all parties involved. Now, if you'll excuse me, my 4 o'clock is being dropped off by his parents, hehehehe hahahaha."
Emmitt didn't have a clue where he could find the dragon blood. Fortunately, Lord Factor Back, the 50-foot demonic beast that Merril Hoge summoned last week, approached Emmitt with 10 gallons worth of the stuff.
"It's cool, I have thousands more gallons at my house, factor back, rawr," Lord Factor Back told Emmitt. "In my realm, factor back, rawr, dragon blood is just as common as your bread, water and canceled NBC television shows, factor back, rawr."
Emmitt hastily lugged the containers of dragon blood and angel tears to Goodell's castle. And just like that, the lockout was over.
"Today is a happy and sad day - sad because I replace a man who do a good job in the pass, DeM... DeM... DeMorgan Smith," Emmitt said. "But today also a happy day as I say before because the NFL lockdown come to a close."
Back in September, Emmitt was unemployed and looking for work. It's amazing that just four months later, he would save everyone else's job.
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.