Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 17
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2016
When the players and owners agreed to a 10-year Collective Bargaining Agreement in July 2011, we all assumed that we would be guaranteed football until 2020. That, apparently, is not the case. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell enacted an obscure clause Tuesday morning, freezing all league activity and essentially reinstating the lockout.
"It's right here, on Page 69, heh, of the new CBA," Goodell said in a press conference Tuesday afternoon. "What, you can't see it? It's right at the bottom. You'll need a magnifying glass to see it. I told my lawyers to use size-one font when they typed this up, buhahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Goodell laughed menacingly for five straight minutes. He then explained the new lockout.
"Allow me to read this fine print for you, since all of you journalists have irresponsibly forgotten your magnifying glasses, just like those idiot players and their lawyers," Goodell said. "The fine print states, 'Overlord Goodell may cease the lockout on the first business day after Christmas 2016 for the following reasons: 1) There is a nuclear holocaust. 2) There is a shortage of painting supplies needed to complete naked self-portraits of said overlord. 3) Overlord Goodell feels it."
Goodell told us that he's only looking for five things. If they are met, the lockout will end quickly. There was cause for optimism when Goodell revealed this to us - until he actually delved into the five terms. Here they are:
Games: If you thought an 18-game season would be too long, you'll get a kick out of this. Goodell announced that he wants to move to a 180-game campaign.
"What? I don't think that's unreasonable," Goodell said. "Think about it this way: The NFL players now get 185 days off - 186 days during a leap year - by my calculations. What other profession gives its employees 185 days off? They should consider themselves lucky."
With 164 games tacked onto the schedule, one would assume the players would make more money. Well, that brings us to Term 2.
Money: Goodell suggested that the NFL players will have to take a massive paycut.
"These guys are all making six, seven, even eight figures - that's just way too much," Goodell said. "I'd like to propose that all players only make $1 per year. Perhaps even $2 if they happen to make the Pro Bowl, but I'll have to think about that one. I don't want to be too generous."
So, where will all of the money go? Will the owners pocket it? Nope.
"I need to fund my self-portraits," Goodell revealed. "Right now, I'm just using ordinary paints and pastels. If you really want these portraits of yours truly to be exquisite, then I need to use rare materials, such as dragon blood and angel tears. Unfortunately, these supplies cost an inordinate amount of money, so I'm sure all of the players will understand."
Kickoffs: No one liked Goodell's decision to move the kickoffs from the 30-yard line to the 35. The commissioner is about to piss off more people.
"We will be moving kickoffs all the way up to the opposing 5-yard line," Goodell announced. "There were simply too many injuries occurring in kickoffs, so I'd rather go to an extreme to be safe than sorry."
But wouldn't teams simply attempt onside kicks from the opposing 5-yard line? And if so, wouldn't there be more collisions?
"I have outlawed all onside kicks as well," Goodell stated. "Teams must kick off from the opposing 5-yard line. No ifs, ands or buts."
Discipline: Goodell clarified the role of the newly instituted Skittle Warriors.
"The Skittle Warriors will handle all disciplinary decisions," Goodell said. "I must save all my energy for my paintings. I do not have time to deal with any discipline, and I trust the Skittle Warriors."
Capt. JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle, sat next to Goodell and fielded a few questions.
"Haha... uhh... I dunno I tink it is serious maybe, do ya tink so?" Russell asked/said when questioned about helmet-to-helmet contact causing concussions. "People hit with head on head and I tink it maybe make player dizzy, do ya tink so?"
As much as we despise Goodell, we wish he would handle these situations. Goodell did say he would take care of one player, however...
James Harrison: Goodell apparently hates James Harrison.
"Under these new rules, I will be able to light James Harrison on fire at least once per week," Goodell revealed. "Then, I will have the option of urinating on him to extinguish the flames, upon which I will likely decline - unless I really need to go - and promptly laugh at him."
NFL players definitely aren't reacting too well to the new lockout. They've already fired former executive director DeMaurice Smith for not being aware of Goodell's fine print. There's no word yet on who will replace Smith, but why do we have the feeling that it'll be someone with the same last name?
NFL LOCKOUT SETTLED THANKS TO EMMITT SMITH
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Dec. 30, 2016
We wrote Wednesday that we had a hunch that Emmitt would replace DeMaurice Smith as the executive director of the NFL Players' Association. We also had confidence that Emmitt would shut down NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's new lockout. We just didn't think it would happen this quickly.
Emmitt was named as the new executive director of the NFLPA on Wednesday morning. He ended the lockout by Thursday evening without Goodell getting any of his new rules passed. His secret to success? Giving Goodell exactly what he wanted all along.
"Roger Goldman very vain, which obviously mean he have a lot of vein inside," Emmitt explained. "When somebody have a lot of vein in the body, that mean the blood flow very fast and all around, and that mean you just gotta get down to business with that person, or else the blood boil very fast and hot, and it all come bubblin' out of the pot, or the mouth, in this examples."
We weren't following what Emmitt was saying at first, but it then became clear that he understood that Goodell just wanted the dragon blood and angel tears for his self-portraits. All of his rule changes - perhaps with the exception of the James Harrison rule - were just conduits for him to obtain his precious art materials.
Emmitt sat down with Goodell on Wednesday evening and asked the commissioner if the lockout would end the original rules would be reinstated if he could procure dragon blood and angel tears. Goodell eagerly agreed to those terms.
"My self-portraits are way more important than anything else in the world," Goodell said. "Yes, I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to laugh at James Harrison as he's being engulfed by flames every week, but I guess that's the price I have to pay."
Obtaining the angel tears was easy. Because angels cry whenever a child is being raped, molested or playfully whipped by a towel in the locker room, Eagles' defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had an ample supply in his garage. Emmitt is Sandusky's attorney and got him off on all charges earlier this year, so Sandusky had no choice but to give the angel tears to him.
"It truly was a no-brainer," Sandusky said. "Without any NFL games, I won't be able to horse around with any of the ball boys in the shower, and that would absolutely be a lose-lose for all parties involved. Now, if you'll excuse me, my 4 o'clock is being dropped off by his parents, hehehehe hahahaha."
Emmitt didn't have a clue where he could find the dragon blood. Fortunately, Lord Factor Back, the 50-foot demonic beast that Merril Hoge summoned last week, approached Emmitt with 10 gallons worth of the stuff.
"It's cool, I have thousands more gallons at my house, factor back, rawr," Lord Factor Back told Emmitt. "In my realm, factor back, rawr, dragon blood is just as common as your bread, water and canceled NBC television shows, factor back, rawr."
Emmitt hastily lugged the containers of dragon blood and angel tears to Goodell's castle. And just like that, the lockout was over.
"Today is a happy and sad day - sad because I replace a man who do a good job in the pass, DeM... DeM... DeMorgan Smith," Emmitt said. "But today also a happy day as I say before because the NFL lockdown come to a close."
Back in September, Emmitt was unemployed and looking for work. It's amazing that just four months later, he would save everyone else's job.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
NFL Free Agents - April 17
2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17
2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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