The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 19, 2019
Emmitt, Milo Yiannopoulos, Johnny Manziel and Isaiah Crowell moved quickly as soon as Matt Millen made his announcement. The leader of the League of Failed General Managers had found them, and he surely planned on doing naughty things to them before imprisoning Emmitt and his friends once again. But how did he manage to do so?
"Guys, we need to get onboard unicorn and get out of here real quick!" Emmitt shouted.
"Hold on, guys, I'm just sending out another tweet, ugh, I hate when it keeps tweeting with your location," Manziel said.
"You idiot, that's how they found us!" Yiannopoulos bellowed. "Let's leave Johnny behind, guys!"
Three of the four men boarded Yiannopoulos' dragon, but it was too late. Someone aboard Millen's airship hurled a rope, which entangled the beast. It could not take off.
"You're not going anywhere!" Millen sneered. "Your backsides are mine!"
Millen and his goons quickly corralled the four men with more pieces of rope, and soon enough Emmitt and his friends were onboard Millen's airship, which was, well, quite interesting. There were numerous statues of what looked like rear ends, and there were piles of kielbasas near these statues.
"For when there aren't any 100-percent USDA Men available," Millen explained once noticing that his captives were looking at the statues quizzically. "But no matter, you four will soon receive proper punishment."
Millen and three other men tied Emmitt and his friends to chairs in one of the cabins.
"Let me introduce my comrades," Millen said, pointing to each of the three men. "This is John Idzik, who once made some excellent transactions for the New York Jets. This is Trent Baalke, who correctly thought he was smarter than Jim Harbaugh, and justly fired him as a result. And this floppy-haired fellow is Gene Smith, who once brilliantly selected a punter over worthless quarterback Russell Wilson. We, as well as our leader, Hillary Clinton, comprise the League of Failed General Managers!"
"You guys suck!" Manziel exclaimed, squirming around, trying to get free.
"You're right, we do suck!" Millen replied. "We suck the kielbasas we insert into each other's backsides! That's the sucking we do! Get it!? It's a play on words! Ha!
"You four are in trouble," Millen continued, becoming more focused. "Emmitt, I've vowed to get revenge on you for banishing me to an alternate dimension, and now my sweet revenge is about to be fulfilled! I will hand all of you over to Hillary Clinton soon enough, but first, I have some kielbasas ready to insert into your backsides!"
"I have a better idea, sexy," Yiannopoulos said.
"Uhh... wait, what? A better idea?" Millen asked, his interest clearly piqued.
"Yes, sexy," Yiannopoulos said. "I have a wide enough backside for all four of you men to insert your kielbasas into mine at the same time."
"Four- wait- four kielbasas at the same time?" Millen asked, completely taken aback. "How- how is that possible? Only- only a 400-percent USDA Man would be able to handle that."
"I'm 4,000-percent USDA Man," Yiannopoulos replied. "If you don't believe me, why don't you find out?"
Millen quickly ushered Yiannopoulos away, and his cohorts quickly followed. Hours later, Yiannopoulos returned, but was crawling.
"Guys, I took one for the team," he gasped, handing Emmitt a knife that belonged to one of the LFGM members. "You can take my dragon and escape, but please leave me behind. I- I don't think I can live much longer after enduring all the kielbasas from those disgusting slobs."
"I will never forgetted what you doned for us, Mike Metropolis," Emmitt said. "I will never forgetted your name and I will recite it for the history book to tape record."
Yiannopoulos, unfortunately, did not hear what Emmitt said, as he passed out. Emmitt quickly cut himself loose, and then did the same for Manziel and Crowell. They then freed the dragon, climbed onto its back and flew off into the sunset.
EMMITT EXPOSES HILLARY CLINTON
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 20, 2019
Emmitt, Johnny Manziel and Isaiah Crowell had no idea how to ride a dragon, but Milo Yiannopoulos' pet did all of the work for them.
"Let's go to the League of Failed General Managers' base so we can expose Hillary Clinton!" Manziel chirped, and the dragon suddenly changed directions and flew toward that direction. A half hour later, it came to a sudden halt, and the three men quickly understood why. There was an electric field surrounding the compound, rendering it completely inaccessible.
"Look like there a thunderstorm on the building," Emmitt said. "But I do not hear the lightning. Do anybody else hear the lightning?"
Emmitt's friends ignored the question, instead recommending that they make camp for the night while they mulled their options. Emmitt had no issue falling asleep, but was unceremoniously awakened by a strange noise.
"Guys, maybe that finally the lightning noise!" Emmitt exclaimed, awakening his two friends, who hastily moved into positions to defend themselves.
Something emerged from the water. It was Warren Sapp, who looked even more like a shark than before. As a nearly completely transformed wereshark, he was almost unrecognizable, but his Buccaneers jersey gave him away.
"Hey guys, I see you only have three members in your party," Sapp said. "Can I join again?"
"Of course, welcome back to the team!" Manziel said excitedly, though his tone quickly waned. "We don't know what to do though, it looks like Hillary Clinton has created an electronic field around the League of Failed General Managers building, so we can't get in and flash the Mirror of Ra at her to finally expose who she really is."
"Yeah, we are at a lossed," Emmitt added. "And there's a thunderstorm too with mute lightning."
"Well, it's a good thing I found you guys!" Sapp exclaimed. "Because look at what I found around the moat of the LFGM facility!"
The three men instantly recognized Sapp's treasure. It was one of the guns used to shoot teleportation butterflies.
"I normally wouldn't be excited about having a gun that can't shoot Five-O," Crowell said. "But we can use this to get into the LFGM building."
Emmitt, Manziel and Crowell told Sapp about what happened to them aboard Matt Millen's airship, with Sapp nearly vomiting a couple of times once they described Yiannopoulos' fate. After some more discussion, the four men turned in for the night.
Once the sun rose, they realized that they would need a camera of sorts to instantly stream what would happen live on YouTube, so they went to the Bill Belichick Video Store to purchase the proper equipment.
"Are you guys ready?" Manziel asked after buying the appropriate goods. "There's no turning back."
"Why not?" Emmitt asked. "I can turn around like this, and I just turn back. Let me see if I can turn front. Yes, I just turn front."
Manziel shot his three friends and then himself with the gun, and butterflies instantly shot out. Before they knew it, they were standing in a room with Hillary Clinton. The President had a tray of various torture tools next to her, as she was trying to get information out of Shannon Sharpe, who was tied to a gurney.
"Shannon, my dear friend, you tell me where Emmitt is, and I promise you, you will die a quick death," Clinton said, unaware that she had company.
"I turned on the camera, Emmitt, quickly shine the mirror on her!" Manziel whispered, trying his best to keep Clinton from hearing him. It did not work.
"Emmitt's here!" Clinton exclaimed. "My dear friend, Emmitt! And more friends that I will soon murder!"
Clinton screeched at the top of her lungs, lunging toward them. Emmitt raised the mirror.
There was a bright light, and no one could see anything for several moments. The light then subsided, and Clinton's true form was exposed. No one could believe what they were seeing.