The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
What did Emmitt's doppelganger mean by the "whole truths" and being "blowed... blowned... uhh... blewed.. uhh... blewned... uhh... blowed away by it?"
Evil Emmitt scowled at his counterpart with severe hatred. He rubbed his clammy hands together, as he had obviously anticipated this meeting for a very long time. The real Emmitt was tired of waiting, so he just had to ask.
"What do you mean this my home?" Emmitt asked. "This not my home. I do not even see my sonned here, Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III."
"This your home because you maked it," Evil Emmitt said. "When you and Shannon Stark open a door to evil dimension, you change not just everything, but a lot of thing, into whatever you thinks. People start gettin' debacled here because you always say people gettin' debacled. Debacled not even real word! Trust me, I try to type on Microhard Works, and he telled me it not real word because the red squigglish line appear overneath himselves."
"I do not understands," the real Emmitt said. "How are it possibles that I change not just everything but a lot of thing?"
"When you open the door to the portal, it feel your energy and my energy - the energize of the two Emmitt," Evil Emmitt said. "When I got transport back to the evil dimension with my viceroy Matt Miller and Norv Turkey, everything have change. Suddenly, people gettin' debacled. The name of my school change. The guy who sell time only selleds to quarterback buyin' time for his linemen. This all stuff you say in the passed!"
That's when it hit Emmitt. Everything was so familiar because it was all stuff he had muttered over the years. From the leopard with the stripes, to Eli Manning being given the rice of passage, to the stinging butterflies, to a team played in the National Conference of Footballs, everything in this dimension was an Emmitt-ism!
"This truly really are my home," Emmitt said. As he finished that sentence, a child's voice echoed behind him. It was Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III!
"Father, I am pleased that you've returned to your humble abode," Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III said in his perfect British accent. "Mother and I have been worried sick regarding your extended absence. We even contacted the authorities on your behalf, but their search was a fruitless effort."
"I can't belief my eye, or my nose," Emmitt said. "My son, Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III, right here. I so glad- wait just one year! I mean month! I mean second!"
Emmitt suddenly realized what was going on. This was not his son. He only appeared because Emmitt said that this truly was his home!
"None of this real!" Emmitt exclaimed, to Evil Emmitt's surprise. "I love Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III, but this not really the true him! He not really here, and this not really truly my own real true home!"
The Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III doppelganger vanished. Evil Emmitt was infuriated.
"You could have of have had your real true fake life here!" Evil Emmitt hissed. "Now you gonna pay the ultimate price! A price so high that even the richest man in the world cannot afford, unless maybe he sell a lot of house and boat!"
"There just one thing you forgettinged, Evil myselves!" Emmitt exclaimed.
"What do I forgetfulnessed?" Evil Emmitt asked.
"I am the masters of untying rope!" Emmitt roared.
Emmitt sprung up from his chair and pounced on Evil Emmitt, and the two began exchanging fierce blows.
THE FINAL ENCOUNTER WITH MATT MILLEN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Sept. 21, 2019
This truly appeared to be the end for Emmitt's friends. Shannon Sharpe, Isaiah Crowell, Warren Sapp, Josh Norman and Dianna Marie Russini all stared helplessly at the abomination before them. Even Johnny Manziel, who was still high on the Fruity Pebbles he smeared into his backside, appeared to acknowledge that the end was near.
The abomination, of course, was Matt Millen's final form. After Isaiah Crowell shot him, mistaking him for a police officer, Millen transformed into a giant kielbasa.
"Get ready to be Kielbasa Crushed!" Kielbasa Millen bellowed.
No one knew exactly what Kielbasa Crushed meant, but they prepared for the worst.
And yet, it was even worse than they imagined.
Kielbasa Millen swiped at the white bird Emmitt's five friends were flying on, and he managed to grab hold of Crowell with his giant claws.
"No, not Isaiah!" Sapp pleaded, but to no avail.
"Isaiah Crowell, you are the first to go because you shot me!" Kielbasa Millen growled. "Be prepared to get Kielbasa Crushed!"
Kielbasa Millen rolled Crowell up into a ball and inserted him into his enormous backside.
"Ah, that's the good stuff!" Kielbasa Millen moaned, appearing as if he were in complete bliss. But that only lasted 30 seconds.
"I need more of you in my backside!" Kielbasa Millen snarled. "Which one of you will be Kielbasa Crushed next!?"
Kielbasa Millen once again swiped at the crew, and he managed to secure Dianna Marie Russini this time. The love of Emmitt's life!
"You, fair maiden, will now be Kielbasa Crushed!" Kielbasa Millen roared.
"Not so slowly! I mean slow! I mean fastly!" a voice echoed from the horizon. Everyone turned in that direction and were shocked to see Emmitt!
They were all so thrilled that they barely noticed that Emmitt was flying through the air with a giant cape. He was also dragging something rather large behind him.
"You!" Kielbasa Millen howled. "You, Emmitt, will watch as I Kielbasa Crush your true love!"
"Not if this guy have anything say about it!" Emmitt shouted, unleashing the object he had behind him. It was a giant dog.
"No!" Kielbasa Millen screeched. "Not a giant dog! My one true weakness!"
The giant dog pounced on Kielbasa Millen and began ripping him apart. Kielbasa Millen howled in agony, dropping Russini in the process. Emmitt dived and caught her before she could accelerate toward the Earth's surface.
"I knew you'd come back, Emmitt!" she gasped, hugging him. The two embraced, as Emmitt flew off into the sunset.
The following day, Emmitt met up with his friends, sans Crowell, who was Kielbasa Crushed.
"Emmitt, how did you know we'd be attacked by a giant kielbasa?" Sapp asked.
"I watch it on the TV," Emmitt explained. "After I defeat the Evil myselves, I ask for a TV to see what happen to you guys. Then a TV poof from thin air and I watch. When I see what have happen, I ask for a giant dog because everybody know giant dog eat giant kielbasa, and I also ask for cape so I can fly like dolphin. I mean bird. Well, dolphin and bird are almost same..."
"Wow, that's great, Emmitt!" Norman squeaked. "Hey, we're going out to celebrate, want to come?"
"In a year, I mean century, Josh," Emmitt said. "I mean, in a minute-year. I mean minute."
Emmitt's friends left the room, laughing and talking jovially. Emmitt went into the bathroom and gazed into the mirror. He grabbed a tube of toothpaste and dumped its contents out into the sink for some strange reason.
"They do not susexpect a thing," he laughed evilly.