The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS, RAMS HAVE SEPARATE ISSUES LEADING UP TO THE SUPER BOWL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 4, 2015
Journalists from all over the world gathered to Toronto for Super Bowl media day. All the reporters came prepared to hear the anticipated trash talking between Emmitt and Rams owner/general manager Walter Cherepinsky. Instead, the media members would soon discover that both teams had glaring issues leading up to the Big Game.
While many thought Emmitt would succumb to the pressure of going 19-0, Emmitt instead was coming to terms to that he couldn't speak English very well.
"On the week off, I connect my IBM machine to American On The Line and I went to Goggle.com and search my name," Emmitt revealed. "Then, I stumble upon the WalterFootballs.coms Web line site. He have all the quotes I made when I was an analysist for ESPM.
"Some of the quotation I read were downright applauding," Emmitt continued. "I cannot believe I say these thing. For example, I say, 'You cannot change the stripe of a leopard.' This have factual uncorrectness. A leopard do not have stripe. He do not even has one stripe! So if he do not have any stripe, then you cannot change the stripe, you have to add the stripe!"
Emmitt babbled on, even though everyone was very confused.
"Another quotation I come acrossed was, 'The Bengals doesn't have heart much like the scarecrows in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobes,'" Emmitt said. "I made a mistakement. The guy who do not have the heart in that movie was the tin man, who made out of tin. The lion lack the emotion of courage, and the witch do not have kindness, and the... uhh... wardrobe lack a will and a powerful."
Emmitt vowed to improve his English after the Super Bowl.
"Usually in the offseason, I bide my time lookin' for hills for people to build strength and will on, but this year will be a different experiment for me," Emmitt promised. "When I come back in a few weeks when it is time for the next season, my English speaking will be new and improve. Very improve."
The Rams, meanwhile, were deciding on a starting quarterback. Their Pro Bowl starter Jimmy Clausen announced his retirement after winning the NFC Championship.
"I can't take Todd McShay's criticisms anymore!" Clausen cried. "Even though I threw 50 touchdowns this year, McShay says I'm too short to play in the NFL, even though I'm the same height as Aaron Rodgers, Tony Romo, Brett Favre and Kurt Warner! Even though I completed 70 percent of my passes this year, McShay says I have bad intangibles! I don't even know what that means!"
McShay was not available for comment; he had his assistant tell the media that he had appointments at various tanning salons all week in order to get ready for the Super Bowl.
With Clausen out of the picture, the Rams have two options. The first is a long-lost 53rd Tim Tebow clone that St. Louis acquired from Kansas City in the middle of the year. Unfortunately, this 53rd Tebow clone is not as good as the original Tebow or the first 52 clones.
"Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 sucks," said head coach Matt McGuire. "He takes hours to throw a damn pass, and his footwork is so bad that he trips over his feet nine out of 10 times he drops back in the pocket."
"I kind of like him - he has heart," countered Walt.
The second option the Rams have is Andre Woodson, who has bounced around the NFL since being drafted in the sixth round by the New York Giants in 2008.
It'll be interesting to see how the NFL experts react to this dilemma. However, we already know how NFL Network analyst Uche Nwaneri feels.
"He can't throw. PERIOD," Nwaneri said.
Unfortunately, we weren't able to hear the rest of his statement; a plastic bag flew toward Nwaneri, who attempted to stop it. Instead, however, he tripped and fell on his rear end. The plastic bag then hit fellow analyst David Garrard in the face, causing him to fumble a sandwich he was holding in his hand.
PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Feb. 9, 2015
Super Bowl teams seldom have a quarterback quandary on their hands, but that has been the case for the Rams ever since Jimmy Clausen retired two weeks ago.
Owner and general manager Walter Cherepinsky has been pining all week for Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 to start, while head coach Matt McGuire has been pushing for Andre Woodson. Unfortunately for St. Louis, the two men were still quarreling after kickoff.
"Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 is so awesome; we need him in our lineup," spoke Walt into McGuire's headset.
"No way dude, Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 blows," McGuire countered. "I could read War and Peace by the time Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 attempts a pass - that's how long his wind-up is. Trust me, Andre Woodson is the better option."
"No, no, no, no, no," Walt responded. "Do you know how many tickets Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 will help us sell? I'll be able to make hundreds of dollars! Muhahaha!"
"Yeah, Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 will sell out a game, maybe two, but then all interest will fade and people will realize how crappy he is," McGuire stated. "Tim Tebow Clone No. 53 has awful mechanics. Look at his feet. He can't even stand up without falling flat on his face."
This went on for the next 3-and-a-half hours, stopping only during the Super Bowl halftime show. And that was only because the two men fell asleep along with everyone else watching the game.
NFL Overlord Roger Goodell, worried that yet another music group would have a wardrobe malfunction, dug up Mozart's grave and assembled his skeleton on stage. He then had the stadium play some of Mozart's music in the background, as the former musician's skeleton dangled eerily from a thin support wire.
"We can't have people like Janet Jackson flashing her breast or Sly Stone from Sly and the Family Stone mooning people; it's not appropriate," Goodell said before the game. "I want to make sure that the Super Bowl is a family environment, and Mozart's skeleton was as safe a bet as any."
As the Rams were quarreling, the Patriots scored easily and forced St. Louis into a three-and-out on every drive. The owner was distracting the head coach with his nonsensical arguments regarding Tim Tebow Clone No. 53, so none of the plays were being called in.
"It is like a dream come true," a tearful Emmitt said holding up the Vince Lombardi Trophy after the game. "I won three or maybe four Pro Bowl when I was a player in the National Conference League. But this moment topple any other. When I was on the Cowboys, I was only one player. Now, as head coach of the New Zealand Patriots, I feel like I am... uhh... the number of player we have on our football team. I count, but I forget. It do not even have anything to do with going 19-0. Well, maybe I lie. It have a li-bit to do with 19 win and zero lossed."
Emmitt was then asked if the game would have been a tougher matchup if the Rams had their quarterback situation addressed.
"That is all in the pass, I do not even want to think about it for a second - not even for a minute," Emmitt said. "But the St. Louis Blue should have seened this coming. Like the old guy who make all the Madden video game always say, 'If you has two quarterback, you do not have one quarterback or even two quarterback - you has zero quarterback!' I never understood these saying until today. The Rams lossed their main guy, and then they got jumbled up in their own confusive."
Emmitt then handed the Lombardi Trophy to Super Bowl IL MVP Anthony Morelli. Morelli was asked what the victory meant to him.
"Haha, eh yo... haha, bro how ya doin, haha... uhh... eh yo, I dunno what to say haha, eh yo," Morelli said while swaying back and forth.
Footage was later discovered that a sober Morelli stashed 50 beers under the stands and chugged them all after the game was well in hand. This would explain why Morelli puked on his center when kneeling down in the victory formation as time expired.
Following all of the on-the-field celebration, Emmitt gave a short speech to all of the players in the locker room. Before he finished, he gave the game ball to water boy JaMarcus Russell.
"Jamaal Russell, you deserve this game ball more than any player who play the play, uhh... I mean game and touch the ball today," Emmitt said. "You save my behind twice during the season before the playoff, and then during the playoff, you provide some H-O-2 to the guy who have thirst issue. Not only are you the best water boy in the history of the world, you are the best water boy who been in the New Zealand Patriots locker room. You have showned bravery - very bravery."
Russell, who was enjoying a pouch of Skittles and minding his own business before Emmitt's kind words, was caught off guard.
I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!! WALT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT LOSER SON!!! YALL THINK YO HOT @#$@ YOU AINT @#$@, I'M A BADASS ALPHA MALE SON!!!!!! I SHOULD BE GIVING AWAY FREE BETTING INFO SO YO LOSERS CAN MAKE SOME DOUGH, THIS POSER AINT @#$@ SON