Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 13
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
ANALYST REFUSES TO ACCEPT CLEVELAND LOSS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 24, 2017
We don't know why the NFL decided to pit the Browns and the Lions together in a nationally televised game on Thanksgiving. The game was completely uneventful, save for one occasion in which Brandon Weeden had to get some assistance from his teammates.
"I shoiled my underwearsh shonny," Weeden told an inquisitive media member afterward, explaining why the entire team huddled around him before bringing him a new pair of underpants.
Weeden, who had to use a walker to get around the field in between plays, completed just one pass in 27 attempts. He fumbled eight times and threw 10 interceptions, five of which were returned for touchdowns.
"I'm sho glad my team won, shonny," Weeden told another journalist. "Wait, where am I again, shonny? And where am I? I forget what year it ish."
It should have been obvious that the Browns would lose. After all, the Lions entered the game as an 84-point favorite. They narrowly covered, winning 87-2. Still, this game was never in doubt. Not for one single second. Well, that was the case for everyone except for CBS' newest NFL analyst.
"I'm not sure we can say, with absolutely certainty, that the Lions have won this game," declared the new CBS analyst.
It must be said that this new analyst may not be completely familiar with football, given that he covered political news for another media conglomerate for years. This analyst, of course, is for FOX News employee Karl Rove.
"When I look at the numbers - and believe me, I've done the extensive math on this - there is no proof that states the Browns have lost this game," Rove said while shifting through pieces of paper. "There are still lots of factors that haven't been accounted for."
There are lots of factors unaccounted for? What could possibly be unaccounted for in an 87-2 victory?
"The sack numbers haven't come in yet," Rove stammered. "There are no sack numbers yet, and the sack numbers are projected to be heavily in favor of the Browns... and, and don't forget about the drops either. We don't have those figures calculated yet, and the Lions were projected to drop more passes than Cleveland in this contest. I'm refreshing this NFL.com page every few seconds, so it can't be confirmed that the Browns lost."
Rove, who had sweat dripping down his brow, was escorted to the back room of the stadium, where he spoke with official Mike Carey.
"Karl, I understand your frustration, but the Browns lost, and there's just no doubt about it," Carey said. "Believe me, Karl. We crunched the numbers, and there are too many things going against the Browns."
"No, that can't be possible, or wait, at least I think you should admit that you called the game prematurely," Rove replied.
Carey laughed and shook his head. "Karl, I can tell you that with 99.9995-percent certainty, the Browns lost this game."
Rove beamed. "Ah-ha! So you admit that there's still a chance!"
Hours later, it was revealed that Rove placed $400,000 on the Browns' moneyline. Why he would do this when it was a foregone conclusion the Lions would win is beyond us, but we have to believe that like after his previous nonsensical tirade in the 2012 Presidential Election, Rove will be looking for employment elsewhere quite soon.
JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 24, 2017
Emmitt's plane is going to land in Florida on Saturday morning, so we have another Thanksgiving-related story to share with you. It's actually shocking, breaking news that we're proud to share with you - even if Howard Eskin of FOX 29 and WIP in Philadelphia hijacks our story and claims it as his hours later.
It's official. Jerry Jones has fired himself. Dallas fans can now rejoice.
"I've thought about it now for a while, and I think it's finally time to let go," said a sullen Jones. "I never thought this day would come, but it's time for me to step out of the limelight and let someone else have an opportunity."
Jones then pressed both hands against his face and began to weep. His wife, Miles Austin-Jones, was there for support.
"Jerry's had quite a run," Austin-Jones said. "I can't imagine being in his shoes right now, giving up on something I love to do. When the day comes when I have to retire, I can only hope I handle it with just as much grace as my loving husband."
After nearly 10 minutes of uncontrollably sobbing, Jones wiped the tears from his eyes and told us that it was time that he returned to his general-managing duties.
Wait, what? Didn't he just announce that he fired himself, as Eskin will report 11 hours after us?
"Excuse me? You thought I was retiring from being the general manager?" Jones asked in complete disbelief. "When I was talking about firing myself, I wasn't referring to the general manager position. Why would I fire myself as the general manager? I'm doing a great job."
So, what did Jones fire himself from exactly? Apparently, he axed himself as the stadium's popcorn vendor.
"I love selling popcorn; it's been a dream of mine ever since I was a little kid," Jones revealed. "When you scoop popcorn out of the machine, put it into a bag and give it to a smiling customer, it's the best feeling in the world. I'm just sad I have to give it up."
This whole revelation took us unawares, but we at least were quick enough to ask Jones why he dismissed himself as the team's popcorn vendor.
"Well, it's certainly not because I was doing a bad job; in fact, I consider myself to be the greatest popcorn vendor in this fine country," Jones said. "Unfortunately, I have too many things on my plate, and I must admit that I'm getting up there in age. I realized that if I'm to continue to be a razor-sharp general manager, then I had to give something up, and that something is selling popcorn."
Jones then operated the popcorn machine one last time. He tried gathering the popcorn with his scooper, but it took him several tries to get the job done. Upon further inspection, it appeared as though the scooper had holes in it.
"What, you think I should use a better popcorn scooper?" Jones asked when he noticed us staring at him quizzically. "This popcorn scooper is doing a great job. It has a bright future ahead of itself. Unfortunately, that future will not be with me."
Well, there you have it. Sorry to disappoint you, Cowboy fans, but it appears as though you're stuck with Jones and his insecurity in terms of relinquishing any sort of power to anyone else in the organization.
That's it for us. Enjoy Black Friday. Oh, and follow @howardeskin for his breaking news about Jones' self-firing in 11 hours.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
NFL Picks - Dec. 5
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 29
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
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