The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 22, 2015
The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl.
Patriots 63, Raiders 0
All week, Emmitt worried about finding ways to stop Glandor, Al Davis' 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound lab experiment.
"Glandor have my minds all up in a jumbles," Emmitt said. "How do one team stop a man who have more than 1,000 pounds and 750 pounds mixed together in one value? I only hope our defensive coordination, Romeo Caramel, can devise up a game plan that put the clamp on... uhh... Gordon."
Unfortunately, Crennel didn't seem focused on the subject.
"Hehe, cookies, hehe," Crennel said earlier in the week.
It's safe to say that Crennel failed to come up with anything, but we'll never know. As kickoff approached Sunday evening, Glandor was nowhere to be found.
"Stop... we need to stop..." Al Davis begged the officials. "A great player... is missing... I need him... to come back... so I can... time him... in the 40..."
However, official Ed Hochuli wouldn't hear of it. He picked up Al Davis, did 12 bicep curls with him, and then tossed him aside.
Meanwhile, the Patriots were missing two key players as well. Quarterback Anthony Morelli and guard Andre Smith were MIA. Emmitt then had no choice but to roll the dice with backup quarterback Tom Brady, who responded well.
"Playing for the first time since the beginning of the 2013 season was a relief," said Brady, who was 27-of-27 for 285 yards, nine touchdowns and no interceptions. "Best of all, I didn't impregnate any supermodels today. I tend to have that problem when I'm not playing in any games. Football keeps me busy. Unfortunately, I may impregnate some tonight when I'm not paying attention. Damn it all, why do I have to be so good-looking?"
Ordinarily, Al Davis would have complained about Brady running up the score - Brady threw two touchdowns with less than three minutes remaining in regulation, one of which was a Hail Mary received after a punt - but the undead owner spent the entire postgame searching for his "great" player.
"Glandor... where are you... I brought you... a cow to eat... and I have to... time you... in the 40..."
Eventually, a search party found Glandor, Morelli and Smith locked inside a closet. A note on the door read, "Haha I will continue to lock players inside closets for as long as I exist! Haha! - The Leach."
Glandor and Smith were relieved to be released, but Morelli was too drunk to realize what happened. Fortunately, there magically was a running tape recorder in the closet that allowed us to hear what the three players discussed for the duration of the game:
Smith: "ME SO HUNGRY ME CAN EAT STABLE OF HORSES."
Morelli: "Haha, how ya doin bro, how ya doin haha?"
Smith: "ME NOT DOING GOOD! ME ONLY EAT 12 BREAKFAST TODAY!"
We'd love to give you the rest of the dialogue, but it was just Morelli repeating, "Haha how ya doin bro, how ya doin haha?" over and over again, mixed in with some of Glandor's roars.
Despite Brady's brilliant performance, however, Emmitt declared that he will stick with Morelli in two weeks.
"Tom Brady have a good game, but we pay him big money to be backup quarterback," Emmitt said. "Tom Brady have one job, and that job is to sit on the doggone sideline while Anthony Morgan play his heart, his will and his strong out."
The Patriots will face the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl. For those unfamiliar, the Rams are under new ownership. In 2007, their asking price was $950 million. Two years later, it was at $700 million. By 2011, it was down to $20 million. In March 2014, the Rams were sold for $1.99 to WalterFootball.com.
"I bought the Rams so I could fire [former coach] Terry Bradshaw and make fun of fat coaches more often," said owner/general manager Walter Cherepinsky. "So far, it's been great. Our team is awesome, and I've made fun of every coach we've beaten thus far. I can't wait to rip Emmitt for debacling the English language."
Emmitt, however, wasn't pleased with Walt's words.
"WalterFootballs.coms have a lot of rudeness. Very rudeness," Emmitt said. "When I was growin' up, there have been a saying, ?If you do not has anything nice to say about anyone, or sometime if you do not has anything to say at all about somebody, saying something nice or sometime do not saying anything, but if you do saying something make sure it have very positive and no negative, or maybe a li-bit of negative but lesser negative than positive. You want lot-bit positive, but only a li-bit negative or no-bit negative.'"
Maybe it's best if Emmitt doesn't say anything at all.