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The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS-DOLPHINS CELEBRATION PLANNED MONDAY NIGHT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 9, 2014
We're not sure what happened - here at the NFL Bible Network, we only speculate - but we're pretty confident that Al Davis must have pressed his red button again.
Things have gone back to normal around the NFL. Emmitt's grammar has never been worse; Anthony Morelli is drunk again; no one wants to hang out with Eric Mangini; Shannon Sharpe doesn't make sense again; Peyton Manning is shooting Viagra commercials; Romeo Crennel is building a new cookie stash; and we're pretty sure that Mike Tomlin ate Toucan Sam for dinner the other day.
"The Fruit Loop bird will be doing loops in my stomach - until it digests him, that is," Tomlin said menacingly.
Meanwhile, in the NFL offices, Roger Goodell is back to being an overbearing figure. Determined to make up for lost time, Goodell has announced that the NFL will do its best to celebrate heritage months of every culture.
"Five years ago, we showered everyone with our Spanish Heritage Month celebration during a Dolphins-Jets game," Goodell said. "We even had a shady official announce the first penalty in Spanish. What I've come to realize that doing this was unfair to every other culture out there."
Goodell stated that the Patriots-Dolphins Monday night game will celebrate Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month.
"I would like the NFL to be known as an entity that reaches out to all the communities," Goodell said. "To all our Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual friends, I hope you enjoy the game."
Dolphins first-year head coach Dick Jauron seemed to embrace Goodell's announcement, but we're not quite sure.
"I think I know some Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexuals," Jauron said. "Yes, I think I do. Funny story, I once had a friend when I was 7 years old. His name was Freddy. When Freddy and I went to school, we sat next to each other in math class. In that math class, we had a teacher named Mr. Lynch. Mr. Lynch was a cool guy; a guy you would have a beer with at a bar. But since Freddy and I were 7, we couldn't drink obviously. So anyway, one day we were having a test on multiplication. It was pretty tough. I struggled through it and got an 84. Freddy, meanwhile, said he did well, but when we got our tests back, he only got an 82. How about that? So, I went to Mr. Lynch after class and told him about Freddy's overconfidence. Mr. Lynch just shook his head and laughed, and then I went home. When I got home, I called Freddy, but I forgot what I said to him. But he came over and we decided to play hopscotch..."
Jauron continued to speak for another 90 minutes, but I fell asleep at that point, and I don't know what he said afterward.
Emmitt, meanwhile, was outraged that he would have to deal with any shenanigans during the game.
"I am sick and tire of all of these cultural history month!" Emmitt shouted. "I do not even know any person who is Half-Norwegian, Half-Korea, Half-Transsexual person. And how long will this culture month last exactly? A day? A week? Nobody do not have any idea! Why do not Roger Goodman make a University of Florida Culture History Month? Go Gator!"
Why not indeed?
PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2014
Emmitt Magic is at it again. The Patriots have improved to 6-0, beating the Dolphins 49-0 on a night in which the NFL celebrated Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month.
Just as Marc Anthony sung the national anthem in Miami five years ago for Spanish Heritage Month, a member of the half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual community was asked to do the honors Monday night. Alec Baldwin was chosen.
Unfortunately, once the music started, Baldwin forgot to sing; instead, he looked at the camera with a stupid grin on his face for the duration of the anthem. Luckily, the crowd picked up the slack and sung it for him.
Baldwin was just one of many half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual celebrities at the game. Joining the Baldwin family in the club boxes were Jimmy Fallon, Glenn Beck, P. Diddy, Mike Martz and Michael Moore. Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver , formerly known as Chad Ochocinco, was also there for no apparent reason.
As with the game five years ago, the official called the first penalty in his half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual tongue. Here was his version of a holding call:
"Like holding, jeeeezth Chritthhh O-M-G I like chipped a nail!"
Unfortunately, there was some controversy surrounding this official - and it wasn't just the leather uniform. The official looked like he was constantly tripping Dolphins players. On one play, Anthony Morelli threw a pass intended for Darrius Heyward-Bey right at the official. The official caught the ball, ran over to Heyward-Bey, handed him the ball and yelled, "Jeeez Chriitthhh it didn't hit the ground! Run like O-M-G!!!"
After the game, Roger Goodell said he would look into it and admitted it might have been a mistake to hire a half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual heritage official for this game.
Meanwhile, Miami's offense wasn't helping matters. Trent Edwards began the game by constantly checking down to his running backs, but eventually tossed 11 interceptions in the second half.
"I was trying my hardest not to risk making mistakes," Edwards said. "I thought that by checking down, there was a risk that I'd throw an interception. I figured I'd rather take the sure thing and throw the guaranteed interception instead. That's safer."
Dolphins head coach Dick Jauron was not discouraged by the loss, citing he was proud of his team for playing a tough game and giving its best effort.
"This game reminds me of one time that I was hanging out with my friend Freddy," Jauron said. "Freddy was a nice a guy, a real true friend. He always stuck with me through thick and thin. One time, the bullies gave me a wedgie, but he still hung out with me. One Saturday afternoon we were playing hopscotch. I was winning 4-3. Now, the point of hopscotch is to score the most points. If you score more points than the other player, you win. But if you score fewer points than the other player, you lose. If you score the same amount of points as the other player, you tie. So, I was winning 4-3. It was Freddy's turn, but he sprained his ankle when he jumped. So, I went into my house to get some ice. Our ice was kept in the freezer, but I imagine most people kept their ice in their freezer..."
No one is sure what Jauron said after that because every reporter in the press conference was asleep by then. However, everyone woke up when Emmitt came to the podium.
Everyone expected a tirade from Emmitt, who drew some heat from the national media for opposing Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month. Emmitt, however, surprised us all.
"I still do not know anyone who have half-Norwegian, half-Korea, half-transsexual blood cells," Emmitt said. "But after giving it some think, I has come to realize that every race on the planet or maybe in this country need a heritage month. I do not know if the heritage month last a day, or a minute, or a week, but I do know that we are all cut from a different clothes."
Now at 6-0, the Patriots have a bye coming up. Emmitt announced that he will be making a guest appearance on a TV show during the break, but didn't give us any details. Guess we'll just have to wait and find out, though Emmitt hinted that he'll be joined from an adversary of his from Eating Cereal With the Stars.