Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 6
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS-DOLPHINS CELEBRATION PLANNED MONDAY NIGHT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 9, 2014
We're not sure what happened - here at the NFL Bible Network, we only speculate - but we're pretty confident that Al Davis must have pressed his red button again.
Things have gone back to normal around the NFL. Emmitt's grammar has never been worse; Anthony Morelli is drunk again; no one wants to hang out with Eric Mangini; Shannon Sharpe doesn't make sense again; Peyton Manning is shooting Viagra commercials; Romeo Crennel is building a new cookie stash; and we're pretty sure that Mike Tomlin ate Toucan Sam for dinner the other day.
"The Fruit Loop bird will be doing loops in my stomach - until it digests him, that is," Tomlin said menacingly.
Meanwhile, in the NFL offices, Roger Goodell is back to being an overbearing figure. Determined to make up for lost time, Goodell has announced that the NFL will do its best to celebrate heritage months of every culture.
"Five years ago, we showered everyone with our Spanish Heritage Month celebration during a Dolphins-Jets game," Goodell said. "We even had a shady official announce the first penalty in Spanish. What I've come to realize that doing this was unfair to every other culture out there."
Goodell stated that the Patriots-Dolphins Monday night game will celebrate Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month.
"I would like the NFL to be known as an entity that reaches out to all the communities," Goodell said. "To all our Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual friends, I hope you enjoy the game."
Dolphins first-year head coach Dick Jauron seemed to embrace Goodell's announcement, but we're not quite sure.
"I think I know some Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexuals," Jauron said. "Yes, I think I do. Funny story, I once had a friend when I was 7 years old. His name was Freddy. When Freddy and I went to school, we sat next to each other in math class. In that math class, we had a teacher named Mr. Lynch. Mr. Lynch was a cool guy; a guy you would have a beer with at a bar. But since Freddy and I were 7, we couldn't drink obviously. So anyway, one day we were having a test on multiplication. It was pretty tough. I struggled through it and got an 84. Freddy, meanwhile, said he did well, but when we got our tests back, he only got an 82. How about that? So, I went to Mr. Lynch after class and told him about Freddy's overconfidence. Mr. Lynch just shook his head and laughed, and then I went home. When I got home, I called Freddy, but I forgot what I said to him. But he came over and we decided to play hopscotch..."
Jauron continued to speak for another 90 minutes, but I fell asleep at that point, and I don't know what he said afterward.
Emmitt, meanwhile, was outraged that he would have to deal with any shenanigans during the game.
"I am sick and tire of all of these cultural history month!" Emmitt shouted. "I do not even know any person who is Half-Norwegian, Half-Korea, Half-Transsexual person. And how long will this culture month last exactly? A day? A week? Nobody do not have any idea! Why do not Roger Goodman make a University of Florida Culture History Month? Go Gator!"
Why not indeed?
PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2014
Emmitt Magic is at it again. The Patriots have improved to 6-0, beating the Dolphins 49-0 on a night in which the NFL celebrated Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month.
Just as Marc Anthony sung the national anthem in Miami five years ago for Spanish Heritage Month, a member of the half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual community was asked to do the honors Monday night. Alec Baldwin was chosen.
Unfortunately, once the music started, Baldwin forgot to sing; instead, he looked at the camera with a stupid grin on his face for the duration of the anthem. Luckily, the crowd picked up the slack and sung it for him.
Baldwin was just one of many half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual celebrities at the game. Joining the Baldwin family in the club boxes were Jimmy Fallon, Glenn Beck, P. Diddy, Mike Martz and Michael Moore. Future Hall of Fame Class Of 20?? Wide Receiver , formerly known as Chad Ochocinco, was also there for no apparent reason.
As with the game five years ago, the official called the first penalty in his half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual tongue. Here was his version of a holding call:
"Like holding, jeeeezth Chritthhh O-M-G I like chipped a nail!"
Unfortunately, there was some controversy surrounding this official - and it wasn't just the leather uniform. The official looked like he was constantly tripping Dolphins players. On one play, Anthony Morelli threw a pass intended for Darrius Heyward-Bey right at the official. The official caught the ball, ran over to Heyward-Bey, handed him the ball and yelled, "Jeeez Chriitthhh it didn't hit the ground! Run like O-M-G!!!"
After the game, Roger Goodell said he would look into it and admitted it might have been a mistake to hire a half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexual heritage official for this game.
Meanwhile, Miami's offense wasn't helping matters. Trent Edwards began the game by constantly checking down to his running backs, but eventually tossed 11 interceptions in the second half.
"I was trying my hardest not to risk making mistakes," Edwards said. "I thought that by checking down, there was a risk that I'd throw an interception. I figured I'd rather take the sure thing and throw the guaranteed interception instead. That's safer."
Dolphins head coach Dick Jauron was not discouraged by the loss, citing he was proud of his team for playing a tough game and giving its best effort.
"This game reminds me of one time that I was hanging out with my friend Freddy," Jauron said. "Freddy was a nice a guy, a real true friend. He always stuck with me through thick and thin. One time, the bullies gave me a wedgie, but he still hung out with me. One Saturday afternoon we were playing hopscotch. I was winning 4-3. Now, the point of hopscotch is to score the most points. If you score more points than the other player, you win. But if you score fewer points than the other player, you lose. If you score the same amount of points as the other player, you tie. So, I was winning 4-3. It was Freddy's turn, but he sprained his ankle when he jumped. So, I went into my house to get some ice. Our ice was kept in the freezer, but I imagine most people kept their ice in their freezer..."
No one is sure what Jauron said after that because every reporter in the press conference was asleep by then. However, everyone woke up when Emmitt came to the podium.
Everyone expected a tirade from Emmitt, who drew some heat from the national media for opposing Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month. Emmitt, however, surprised us all.
"I still do not know anyone who have half-Norwegian, half-Korea, half-transsexual blood cells," Emmitt said. "But after giving it some think, I has come to realize that every race on the planet or maybe in this country need a heritage month. I do not know if the heritage month last a day, or a minute, or a week, but I do know that we are all cut from a different clothes."
Now at 6-0, the Patriots have a bye coming up. Emmitt announced that he will be making a guest appearance on a TV show during the break, but didn't give us any details. Guess we'll just have to wait and find out, though Emmitt hinted that he'll be joined from an adversary of his from Eating Cereal With the Stars.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
NFL Picks - Dec. 6
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 6
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 19
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
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