Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 2
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014
Jerry Jones has been known to go a little overboard as owner of the Dallas Cowboys. When he built the largest JumboTron in the world and installed it in Cowboys Stadium in 2009, people thought he was nuts. Well, if that was nuts, Jones might have to be sent off to a mental institution this time.
Hundreds gathered at Jones' wedding in Dallas on Saturday afternoon. Emmitt, who was fortunately enough to be in town for the Cowboys-Patriots game on Monday night, was Jones' best man. The groomsmen were Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, Wade Phillips and Nate Newton. Of course, all eyes were on Jones' bride to be, Miles Austin.
At the altar, Jones and Austin exchanged wedding vows.
Jones told Austin, "You're the greatest receiver of all the time. I love the way you play. You are very fast and you have great hands. You're so much better than Terrell Owens."
Austin grimaced and read off a piece of paper, "Thank you, Jerry for those kind words, and thank you for this $500 million wedding signing bonus you've given me. I will never forget this day."
As tears poured out of Jones' eyes, the Cowboys owner turned to the crowd and made his surprising announcement: "I am renaming Cowboys Stadium! It will now be called Miles Austin-Jones Stadium!"
As the wedding guests gasped, Jones made an even more shocking proclamation: "I am getting rid of the JumboTron! In its place, will be an even larger JumboTron - the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron! It will be three times the size of the old JumboTron!"
Jones wiped the tears from his eyes and turned to Austin.
"This is my wedding gift to you, Miles Austin. You deserve it for being the greatest receiver who has ever lived!"
Jones and Austin were pronounced owner and receiver, and all of the guests roared in approval.
At the wedding reception, we caught up with Emmitt and the groomsmen to ask them what they thought about the wedding and the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron.
"I can't stop crying," Irvin said. "Not because of the wedding, but because Jerry once told me that I was the best receiver who has ever lived. Now he's moved on without me."
Unfortunately, Phillips was not available for comment. He spent the duration of the wedding trying to convince the guests that Austin was nothing but a gold-digger. Predictably, no one listened to the man known by many as Mr. Turkey Neck.
Nate Newton, who was selling what looked like spinach to some of the kids at the reception, wished the two all the luck in the world.
"I remember the first time Jerry saw Miles," Newton recalled. "It was love at first sight for Jerry. Miles was engaged to a fat woman working the docks of the stadium. Come to think of it, they were engaged for years, but they never got married for some reason. Maybe it's because the fat woman treated Miles poorly. Once she left him at a minor-league hockey game up in Scranton. Or maybe it's because Miles knew that Jerry would give him a huge wedding signing bonus. In the end, love and money won out."
Troy Aikman and Emmitt, meanwhile, were the two guests who weren't choked up with emotion.
"That's right, Joe," Aikman said. "This is a great day to have a wedding. What a great moment for Jerry and Miles, and the entire Dallas Cowboys organization. That's absolutely right, Joe."
Emmitt mulled over Jones' decision to make him the best man.
"I am not just proud, I am very, very proudly," Emmitt said. "Jerry Jones make me the best man. I do not know how many people live in this planet, maybe 2 million or 3 billion or maybe even 4... uhh... the number that come after billion, I forget, maybe gazillion. But the fact of the manner is, he says I am best man out of all the people living in the planet."
Emmitt smiled and looked pleased with himself.
"Before the sun downed on this day, I only consider myself the head coach of the New Zealand Patriots. Now I know that I am the head coach of the New Zealand Patriots, I am also the best of all menkind in this planet, and maybe even in this country."
JERRY JONES' JUMBOTRON RUINED; PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO 2-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Sept. 16, 2014
Two days ago when Jerry Jones married his favorite wide receiver, he was on top of the world. Unfortunately, his world, including his precious new JumboTron, has come crashing down.
The Patriots were shell shocked when they walked into Miles Austin-Jones Stadium on Monday afternoon. The Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron that Jones built for his new spouse was sitting on the 50-yard line. You read that right - it was actually lying on the field.
The JumboTron went up all the way to the roof, and extended out to the 20-yard lines and each sideline. In other words, there was an obstruction blocking more than half of the playing surface.
"Ey yo, look - big TV!" Anthony Morelli drunkenly shouted.
Aside from Morelli, the Patriots weren't happy to see a "big TV" blocking 60 yards of the football field.
"Guys, my offense is so awesome, but I totally cannot prepare for this," Josh McDaniels said. "I can score points with anyone running my awesome offense, but I can't change things because of that JumboTron. F-M-L guys, F-M-L."
Emmitt stormed up to the owner's box and walked in on Jerry Jones watching highlights of Miles Austin. Jones, quite embarrassed, asked Emmitt what he was doing up there.
"Mister Jerry, we come here to play football games," Emmitt said. "But there is a gi... uhh... gigantious television blocking the doggone football field! If you cannot remove the television, we cannot play football games. That factual is as clear as a whistle."
Jones told Emmitt that he already talked to the commissioner and was ready to pay whatever fine was necessary.
After warm-ups, the coin toss took place on the sidelines. Dallas won and elected to receive.
New England had to kick off from its own 15-yard line. Unfortunately, the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron was so huge that the ball could not sail over it. Instead, the ball crashed into the right side of the JumboTron, causing the screen to shatter.
As light bulbs were shattering and players were taking cover, Jones ran onto the football field and yelled, "Not my precious JumboTron! I'm sorry Miles Austin!"
Morelli, the only one not scattering, pointed and laughed, "Haha, big TV break! Big TV break!"
Austin, meanwhile, covered his face and shook his head in embarrassment from under the Dallas bench.
Jones took the football that crashed into the JumboTron and put it into a huge duffle bag. He then went to the officials and collected every other football that was going to be used that night. Jones then stormed off crying and shouting, "Everyone, go away! My JumboTron is broken! Leave me alone!"
As everyone filed out of Miles Austin-Jones Stadium, we caught up with Emmitt, who told us that Roger Goodell called him and awarded the Patriots the victory for Jones' behavior. Emmitt said he was pleased that his team was 2-0, but criticized his former employer.
"I tolded Jerry Jones that the giganteous television was blocking the football field and he would not hear me on." Emmitt said. "He have all day to remove the television from the football field, but he did not do them, so he should have done them in the morning."
Emmitt shook his head and laughed.
"As the old folk across the Texas line say, the man who catch the early bird also get the worm."
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
NFL Free Agents - April 19
2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17
2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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