The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014
Jerry Jones has been known to go a little overboard as owner of the Dallas Cowboys. When he built the largest JumboTron in the world and installed it in Cowboys Stadium in 2009, people thought he was nuts. Well, if that was nuts, Jones might have to be sent off to a mental institution this time.
Hundreds gathered at Jones' wedding in Dallas on Saturday afternoon. Emmitt, who was fortunately enough to be in town for the Cowboys-Patriots game on Monday night, was Jones' best man. The groomsmen were Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, Wade Phillips and Nate Newton. Of course, all eyes were on Jones' bride to be, Miles Austin.
At the altar, Jones and Austin exchanged wedding vows.
Jones told Austin, "You're the greatest receiver of all the time. I love the way you play. You are very fast and you have great hands. You're so much better than Terrell Owens."
Austin grimaced and read off a piece of paper, "Thank you, Jerry for those kind words, and thank you for this $500 million wedding signing bonus you've given me. I will never forget this day."
As tears poured out of Jones' eyes, the Cowboys owner turned to the crowd and made his surprising announcement: "I am renaming Cowboys Stadium! It will now be called Miles Austin-Jones Stadium!"
As the wedding guests gasped, Jones made an even more shocking proclamation: "I am getting rid of the JumboTron! In its place, will be an even larger JumboTron - the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron! It will be three times the size of the old JumboTron!"
Jones wiped the tears from his eyes and turned to Austin.
"This is my wedding gift to you, Miles Austin. You deserve it for being the greatest receiver who has ever lived!"
Jones and Austin were pronounced owner and receiver, and all of the guests roared in approval.
At the wedding reception, we caught up with Emmitt and the groomsmen to ask them what they thought about the wedding and the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron.
"I can't stop crying," Irvin said. "Not because of the wedding, but because Jerry once told me that I was the best receiver who has ever lived. Now he's moved on without me."
Unfortunately, Phillips was not available for comment. He spent the duration of the wedding trying to convince the guests that Austin was nothing but a gold-digger. Predictably, no one listened to the man known by many as Mr. Turkey Neck.
Nate Newton, who was selling what looked like spinach to some of the kids at the reception, wished the two all the luck in the world.
"I remember the first time Jerry saw Miles," Newton recalled. "It was love at first sight for Jerry. Miles was engaged to a fat woman working the docks of the stadium. Come to think of it, they were engaged for years, but they never got married for some reason. Maybe it's because the fat woman treated Miles poorly. Once she left him at a minor-league hockey game up in Scranton. Or maybe it's because Miles knew that Jerry would give him a huge wedding signing bonus. In the end, love and money won out."
Troy Aikman and Emmitt, meanwhile, were the two guests who weren't choked up with emotion.
"That's right, Joe," Aikman said. "This is a great day to have a wedding. What a great moment for Jerry and Miles, and the entire Dallas Cowboys organization. That's absolutely right, Joe."
Emmitt mulled over Jones' decision to make him the best man.
"I am not just proud, I am very, very proudly," Emmitt said. "Jerry Jones make me the best man. I do not know how many people live in this planet, maybe 2 million or 3 billion or maybe even 4... uhh... the number that come after billion, I forget, maybe gazillion. But the fact of the manner is, he says I am best man out of all the people living in the planet."
Emmitt smiled and looked pleased with himself.
"Before the sun downed on this day, I only consider myself the head coach of the New Zealand Patriots. Now I know that I am the head coach of the New Zealand Patriots, I am also the best of all menkind in this planet, and maybe even in this country."
JERRY JONES' JUMBOTRON RUINED; PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO 2-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 16, 2014
Two days ago when Jerry Jones married his favorite wide receiver, he was on top of the world. Unfortunately, his world, including his precious new JumboTron, has come crashing down.
The Patriots were shell shocked when they walked into Miles Austin-Jones Stadium on Monday afternoon. The Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron that Jones built for his new spouse was sitting on the 50-yard line. You read that right - it was actually lying on the field.
The JumboTron went up all the way to the roof, and extended out to the 20-yard lines and each sideline. In other words, there was an obstruction blocking more than half of the playing surface.
"Ey yo, look - big TV!" Anthony Morelli drunkenly shouted.
Aside from Morelli, the Patriots weren't happy to see a "big TV" blocking 60 yards of the football field.
"Guys, my offense is so awesome, but I totally cannot prepare for this," Josh McDaniels said. "I can score points with anyone running my awesome offense, but I can't change things because of that JumboTron. F-M-L guys, F-M-L."
Emmitt stormed up to the owner's box and walked in on Jerry Jones watching highlights of Miles Austin. Jones, quite embarrassed, asked Emmitt what he was doing up there.
"Mister Jerry, we come here to play football games," Emmitt said. "But there is a gi... uhh... gigantious television blocking the doggone football field! If you cannot remove the television, we cannot play football games. That factual is as clear as a whistle."
Jones told Emmitt that he already talked to the commissioner and was ready to pay whatever fine was necessary.
After warm-ups, the coin toss took place on the sidelines. Dallas won and elected to receive.
New England had to kick off from its own 15-yard line. Unfortunately, the Miles Austin-Jones JumboTron was so huge that the ball could not sail over it. Instead, the ball crashed into the right side of the JumboTron, causing the screen to shatter.
As light bulbs were shattering and players were taking cover, Jones ran onto the football field and yelled, "Not my precious JumboTron! I'm sorry Miles Austin!"
Morelli, the only one not scattering, pointed and laughed, "Haha, big TV break! Big TV break!"
Austin, meanwhile, covered his face and shook his head in embarrassment from under the Dallas bench.
Jones took the football that crashed into the JumboTron and put it into a huge duffle bag. He then went to the officials and collected every other football that was going to be used that night. Jones then stormed off crying and shouting, "Everyone, go away! My JumboTron is broken! Leave me alone!"
As everyone filed out of Miles Austin-Jones Stadium, we caught up with Emmitt, who told us that Roger Goodell called him and awarded the Patriots the victory for Jones' behavior. Emmitt said he was pleased that his team was 2-0, but criticized his former employer.
"I tolded Jerry Jones that the giganteous television was blocking the football field and he would not hear me on." Emmitt said. "He have all day to remove the television from the football field, but he did not do them, so he should have done them in the morning."
Emmitt shook his head and laughed.
"As the old folk across the Texas line say, the man who catch the early bird also get the worm."