The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 15, 2014
It's been a decade and a half, yet Daniel Snyder has still failed to produce a winner. He's tried all sorts of gimmicks over the years: signing old veterans for way over market value; hiring coaches who have never been coordinators before; dealing away tons of draft picks for more washed-up veterans; asking a former Bingo announcer to call his plays; and of course, acquiring all top-10 selections in the infamous 2013 NFL Draft. We should remind you that half of those players are now out of the league.
Snyder called a press conference Tuesday afternoon and announced that he figured out what he has done wrong.
"For years, I've been paying players and coaches to do the winning, but it hasn't worked," Snyder said. "That's because players and coaches are incapable of winning in the NFL. The only way to win in the NFL is to pay the other team to lose. So, from now on, I'll be using the cheapest coaches and players possible, and allocating the money to bribe the other owners."
Patriots owner Bob Kraft, who was enjoying his fifth lunch at Arby's on Tuesday afternoon, was appalled by the news.
"He said he's allocating money to bribe us owners?" Kraft asked. "That's just stupid. Why would I accept money when I have all of these Arby's sandwiches to eat?"
Hours later, Snyder fired his coaching staff and cut every single player making more than $1 million. He then signed everyone off the waiver wire and asked around to see if any coaches were willing to accept a salary of $500,000 or less. The only man to accept, of course, was Jim Zorn.
"I knew Zorney would oblige," Snyder said. "We embarrassed him enough back in '09 when we took his play-calling duties away. We thought he'd quit for sure. But nope, he stuck around. That's when I knew that he would do anything to be a head coach."
We were able to reach Zorn on his home phone. He told us why he was so willing to reclaim his old job.
"I've been unemployed for years and I have nothing better to do," Zorn stated. "I just hope Mr. Snyder lets me call the plays again. That was the most funnest time of my life."
Thirty minutes later, Snyder called another press conference.
"With Zorney back as head coach, I needed someone else to call the plays," Snyder declared. "That Bingo guy wasn't available, so I'm proud to announce that Alex Trebek will be the offensive coordinator. And my new defensive coordinator will be Pat Sajack. No one's going to stop us now!"
Emmitt predictably was not concerned with any of the moves Snyder made this week.
"Why would I be concerning with these new coaches?" Emmitt asked. "I never have heard of Alex Tribune or Pat Blackjack. Snyder is a foolish and is a desperate owner tryin' to right the train. As the old sayin' go, desperate time call for desperate measurement."
SNYDER'S PLAN BACKFIRES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 20, 2014
So much for blackmailing the owners.
Daniel Snyder met with Bob Kraft before the Patriots-Redskins tilt on Sunday evening. Snyder carried a briefcase in his hand. Kraft, meanwhile, had cheese-sauce stains all over his shirt.
Snyder placed his briefcase on his desk and opened it. Inside were tens of thousands of $100 bills. In total, Snyder had $10 million in his suitcase.
"Krafty, this is yours if you let my Redskins win tonight," Snyder said with a smirk on his face.
Kraft, obviously looking disgusted, stormed out of Snyder's office. Once he cleared the doorway, he bellowed, "I thought there were going to be Arby's sandwiches in there! I don't want your money! I want Arby's!"
Snyder yelled back that he didn't know where any Arby's restaurants were in the D.C. area because he only dined at fancy shmancy restaurants. Snyder then burst into tears and cursed the heavens.
Meanwhile, the Redskins received the opening kickoff and took the ball past midfield. Jim Zorn was ready for the first play from new offensive coordinator Alex Trebek.
"OK, Alex, let's score on this first drive," Zorn said. "What's our first play?"
Trebek swiftly answered, "Reche Caldwell caught an 8-yard pass on this play."
Zorn was confused. "Uhh... what?" Zorn asked.
A few seconds later Zorn heard a "beep-beep-beep" sound in his headset.
"I'm sorry, the correct answer was a bubble screen," Trebek said, as the Redskins were penalized five yards for a delay-of-game penalty.
"Next clue," Trebek said. "Shaun Alexander rushed for 12 yards on this play."
Zorn finally understood what was going on. "Oh, I know," Zorn exclaimed. "Halfback draw up the middle!"
Unfortunately Zorn once again heard those three beeps and noticed the Redskins move back another five yards.
"I'm sorry, you must answer in the form of a question," Trebek said. "Next clue: Samkon Gado caught a 15-yard pass on this play."
Zorn thought quickly. "What is a Hail Mary?"
The Redskins then attempted a Hail Mary, but the Patriots weren't fooled. Junior Seau sacked Kyle Boller, who fumbled the ball. New England recovered.
"I'm sorry," Trebek said. "The correct answer was 'screen pass.'"
During the TV timeout, several men carted a giant multi-colored wheel onto the field. Zorn was perplexed until another voice in his headset told him to spin the wheel. Zorn followed the command.
"Come on, big money, big money!" Zorn yelled incoherently.
The wheel landed on "prevent defense." The Redskins lined up in that formation, allowing the Patriots to rip off a 20-yard run. Zorn was ordered to spin the wheel again.
"Come on, big money, big money!" Zorn screamed, clapping his hands wildly.
The wheel landed on "bankrupt."
A loud noise was heard throughout the stadium, "Beeeeuuuuupp."
"I'm sorry," defensive coordinator Pat Sajak announced, "All Redskins players on the field are now bankrupt. Thanks for playing."
The players angrily stormed off the field. While no one was looking, Anthony Morelli walked the ball in for a touchdown. He was actually walking toward a hot cheerleader and scored unintentionally. Fortunately, it was enough to let the Patriots come away with a 6-0 victory.
"Eh yo, I dunno what happen, I dunno what happen," Morelli yelled after the game. "I walk to hot girl and now we winning! Yay!"
Emmitt, meanwhile, criticized Snyder's approach to this game.
"It is very clear that Daniel Sanders do not know how to run football team, and it is so clear it have crystals," Emmitt said. "Daniel Sanders try to throw money at old player or stupid coaches. What he need to recognize that you win football game by scoring more point than the other team. If you score less point than the other team, you lose. And if you score the same point as the other team, you... uhh... I forget."
Who would have thought that Emmitt would be the voice of reason?
@BCE INC. @#$@ YOU SON @#$@ YOU FAT ASS @#$@ @#$@ DICK SUCKER. YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY THUNDER BOL SON. WELL YOU A LITTLE @#$@ SON. I'LL KICK YO ASS AT YO OWN GAME SON. TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME PUNK. @#$@ YOU WANA TALK @#$@ AND BE A BADASS ALPHA MALE!!!!!!!!! GO ALL OUT SON DON'T BE A PUNKASS @#$@ KIDDO!!!!!!!!!!!