The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 10, 2020
The ESPYs are finally here. ESPN's famous awards show was delayed for a couple of months because of some comments Sage Steele made.
"She really hurt my feelings," Sportscenter host Neil Everett sobbed. "I was stuck in bed for three weeks as a result."
Everett, of course, is referring to Steele saying that she thought white and black athletes should be covered equally by the media. This enraged some and endangered others. NBC's Bob Costas, for example, had to spend two months in the Intensive Care Unit because his feelings were hurt too much.
We visited ESPN president John Skipper on his deathbed so that we could share his thoughts on the matter.
"How... how... could... an... African... American... woman... say... something... like... like... that...?" Skipper said, gasping for air before falling asleep forever.
Good night, sweet prince.
Alas, enough ESPN employees recovered from their hurt feelings to stage the ESPYs one day prior to the start of the NFL regular season. They had issues finding someone to host it because of their delay, so they ultimately had to settle with Brock Osweiler.
"Brock is very deserving of this distinction," said his former teammate Peyton Manning, who was too busy filming commercials to be the host again. "Brock's doing to do a great job. This positive reinforcement is brought to you by Buick. The new symbol for quality in America."
Osweiler began the award show by issuing ESPN's infamous Arthur Ashe Courage Award, which was previously given out to Caitlyn Jenner. This time, Osweiler handed the trophy to former baseball pitcher Bartolo Colon, who came out of the closet as the first spawn of Jabba the Hut to ever play professional sports.
ESPN was once again celebrated for its great diversity, as people quickly forgot Steele's harmful comments.
"This is a great day for diversity," said ESPN vice president Sergio Dipp. "Bartolo is having the time of his life!"
Unfortunately, the ESPYs took a turn for the worse, as Osweiler seemingly ignored all of the nominations.
"And the nominations for the best male athlete go to Brock Osweiler, for being such a great quarterback; Brock Osweiler because the proof is in the film about how good he is; Brock Osweiler for being strikingly handsome; and Brock Osweiler for his many great accomplishments throughout his prolific career," Osweiler announced.
"And the winner for best male athlete goes to - oh my gosh - Brock Osweiler!" Osweiler exclaimed. "Well done, Brock Osweiler, you were extremely deserving of this!"
"Now, on to best female athlete," Osweiler said. "The nominees are Brock Osweiler, because he is identifying himself as a woman for this award; Brock Osweiler, because it's unfair that only women get to win best female athlete; Brock Osweiler for being strikingly handsome; and Brock Osweiler because no one else deserves this award.
"And the winner for best female athlete goes to - oh my gosh, guys, you shouldn't have - Brock Osweiler!"
This was the only time ESPN employees applauded throughout the evening, as they considered it virtuous to award a male with the best female athlete award. However, their opinions changed once Osweiler gave himself the next nine awards.
"I've never seen such a ridiculous spectacle," said former ESPN employee Keith Olbermann. "And believe me, as someone who is legitimately better than everyone, I can tell you when someone deserves to give himself lots of awards. And Brock Osweiler is not it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go admire the smell of my armpits."
As for Manning, he was surprised that his prediction wasn't true.
"I thought Brock would do a great job, but I was wrong," Manning said. "This admission of mistakenness is brought to you by Chevy. Chevy runs deep."
Osweiler predictably disagreed with his critics.
"They're just jealous that I did so well," Osweiler said afterward. "The proof is in the tape. Watch the ESPYs again, and you'll see that I had the best performance of any host ever."
Osweiler went on to build a statue for himself, but it was quickly destroyed because some college students said it offended them and hurt their feelings.
EVIL EMMITT TEAMS UP WITH SUCCESSOR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 11, 2020
The 2020 NFL season is underway, and yet, no one cares about it. With all 32 teams now in Los Angeles, all of the teams' fan bases have abandoned the squads they once rooted for. Even someone like Michael Wilbon, a life-long Bears fan who has a mansion in Los Angeles, can't get over the change.
"Mark my words, I will never root for the Los Angeles Bears," Wilbon said vehemently. "And why doesn't Colin Kaepernick have a job yet? Why can't anyone give Kaep a job!? Sure, he's washed up, but he deserves to be in the NFL over that monster Jay Cutler!"
Evil Emmitt, trying desperately to keep the Patriots out of Los Angeles so that Robert Kraft could help him talk to the grapevine, visited one of his many successors Thursday afternoon.
Evil Emmitt took a trip to a Women's Unclothing Store, owned by Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. The store specializes in selling gadgets and gizmos to help men unclothe women, especially in public.
"Hello there," Elliott said joyfully, without recognizing who it was. "Today we have a special. Buy a shiny object to distract a woman so you can take her top off, and get a tank top where the straps come off with a press of a button for free!"
"I am not here for your good and item," Evil Emmitt said. "Adzekiel Elliott, I hear for your help. And help mean I need your assistments."
Elliott's jaw dropped, as he finally realized whom he was speaking to.
"Oh gosh, Emmitt Smith!" Elliott squealed. "Please, please, help yourself to something free! You deserve it!"
"How much do the free thing cost?" Evil Emmitt asked.
"Nothing, it's free," Elliott replied.
"I know it are free, but I am trying to understand how much it gonna cost me," Emmitt answered.
Elliott stared blankly at Evil Emmitt, realizing that he needed to stoop to his predecessor's level to get the message through.
"It is free dollars and free cents," Elliott responded, confidently.
"Ah, I do not have free dollar, nor free cent," Emmitt said.
"That's too bad, Emmitt," Elliott replied, feigning disappointment. "So, what can I do for you?"
"I need to prevent the New Zealand Patriot from moving to the city of Las Vegasles," Evil Emmitt revealed. "I need your assistment."
"So, let me guess, you need me to punch some women," Elliott guessed. "Look, Emmitt, I have a business to run, and there are better people you can find in that regard. Why not ask Floyd Mayweather? He fights defensively unless he's battling a woman, and then he's not afraid to throw wild punches."
"No, it have nothing to do with a women," Evil Emmitt said. "It have to do with DJ, the guy who make music. I belief DJ stand for dinosaur jig."
"DJs!?" Elliott growled, his fists clenching. "I will destroy all DJs!"
"Good," Emmitt smiled. "I had a feeling you were going to joint me."