Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 4
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
AL DAVIS KIDNAPS SCIENTIST; DEMANDS THE IMPOSSIBLE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Sept. 26, 2014
The Earth shook. People fell. Tables toppled over. Houses collapsed. All because a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound monstrosity ran forward in a straight line.
When the trembling finally stopped, everyone just assumed it was a common earthquake.
Meanwhile, 100 yards underground, Al Davis glanced at his stop watch. It read 0.4. Davis grabbed his whip and lashed his favorite player.
"Faster... Glandor, faster... you need... to break... the zero-second... barrier..."
Glandor roared, picked up a large rock and smacked himself on the head with it. He jogged back to the starting line to get ready to run his 40-yard dash again. As he was about to take off, a cyclops stormed into the room.
"My liege, I have found the man you were looking for," the cyclops bellowed, holding an elderly man by his neck. "If this is acceptable, I would like my award."
Al Davis cracked a smile.
"Well done... well done... Mr. Cyclops... As promised... I have prepared... 25 virgin cyclopses for you... in your bedroom..."
The cyclops clapped his hands and ran off to his quarters. Al Davis turned his attention to the scientist laying on the ground.
"Mr. Stephen Hawking... I was told... you are... the only one... who knows how... to make runners... break the... zero-second barrier..."
Stephen Hawking grabbed his voice computer and began typing feverishly.
"But mistur Al Daaavis, that is impossibible," Hawking typed on his broken computer. "It is not possibibible to run fastor than zero secuuuunds."
Al Davis shook his head and grabbed his whip.
"Mr. Hawking... if you do not... tell me how... to get Glandor... to run faster... than zero seconds... I will... whip you so hard... you will ask... my gargoyle sentries... to kill you quickly..."
"I suppopose there is a waaay," Hawking typed. "There might beeee another univeriverse out there where theengs are oppopopsite. Maybeeee I can access iiiit."
Al Davis smiled in approval.
"Well, Mr. Hawking... you can now... go to work... if you don't... allow me to... access this universe... in two days... I will sacrifice you... as a virgin... instead of... the young girl from... ABC's Flashforward..."
AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 29, 2014
The New England-Oakland game commenced just as everyone expected it to.
A few hours prior to kickoff, Glandor, JaMarcus Russell and the Patriots' newly acquired backup guard Andre Smith snuck into Romeo Crennel's office and raided his cookie stash.
Crennel, the defensive coordinator for New England, earlier estimated that it would take three average human beings 45 years to devour all of his cookies. The troika of Glandor, Russell and Andre Smith finished in just 15 minutes.
An hour later, Crennel needed his cookie fix. He walked out of the elevator at Gillette Stadium and had one thought (or word) on his mind.
"Cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie," Crennel said.
Crennel walked into his office and immediately dropped his 10-gallon jug of milk. He saw the door to his secret cookie stash was open and that all the cookies were gone. Only crumbs remained.
"Noooooo coookieeee!!" Crennel shouted, running through the halls, down the elevator and into the parking lot. Crennel climbed into his golf cart and rode off to the grocery store.
Emmitt addressed the rest of the coaching staff, alerting them that Crennel would not be joining them this afternoon.
"Romeo Camels have gone to the grocery," Emmitt said. "We will be without defensive coordination this afternoon because someone have aten Romeus' cookies. We obviously have a trader in our mitts."
Hours later, while the Raiders warmed up, the Patriots stared at Glandor in amazement.
"I don't know how we're going to stop him," said Pro Bowl corner Terrence Wheatley.
"Big guy going to sack me! Big guy going to sack me!" cried Anthony Morelli.
Josh McDaniels, meanwhile, tried his hardest to quell his players' concerns.
"O-M-G guys, I know he's like big and stuff, but like come on!" McDaniels shouted at his players. "I guess he's like an OK player, but he wouldn't even fit into our awesome offensive scheme. McDaniels for the win, guys!"
As the coin toss was about to occur, everyone's attention went toward the sky. What appeared to be a huge bird was flying toward the stadium. As the big approached, it became evident that it was a gargoyle. In the gargoyle's claws was Al Davis. The gargoyle landed at midfield, and Al Davis addressed the crowd.
"In my hands... is a button... to make everything... the opposite... this will... make Glandor... run a 40... in less than... zero seconds..."
Before anyone could stop him, Al Davis pressed the big red button in his hands.
For a moment, nothing appeared to happen. Then, there was a bright white flash in the sky that blinded everyone for about five seconds.
Once everyone came to, Emmitt reacted quickly. He ran to midfield and tackled Al Davis.
"You fiend, you shall never inconvenience us again for all of eternity," Emmitt said.
Everyone was shocked. Did Emmitt just speak grammatically correct English? McDaniels ran over to his boss.
"Sir, are you OK?" McDaniels asked. "I know my offense is terrible and may be giving you a lot of difficulty, so I apologize for any problems I may have caused."
Gasps were heard from the onlookers. Did McDaniels just admit that he's not awesome? Morelli ran over to both of them.
"Gentlemen, something is afoot," Morelli said. "Suddenly, my head is clear and I am not seeing any double vision. I don't feel like throwing up and I can actually speak without slurring any words. What has Al Davis done to us?"
As they turned toward Al Davis, Crennel sprinted into the stadium.
"Hey guys, I heard everything," Crennel said. "Something is definitely wrong. I bought all of these cookies for some reason, but I don't know what I'm going to do with them. Suddenly, I have a craving for celery and a salad with fat-free dressing."
"Mmmm...." Andre Smith salivated. "Celery and salad with fat-free dressing. Sounds delicious."
The five men looked down at Al Davis, who shrugged his shoulders.
"Let's see if my great plan worked," Davis said.
Glandor took his cue and walked to the 40-yard line. Five seconds earlier, he was in the end zone.
"It worked!" Al Davis exclaimed. "Glandor ran a 40 time in negative-5 seconds! But... why do I even care? Forty times are meaningless. This is all kind of stupid."
Everyone was in shock to hear Al Davis say this.
"I don't know what happened, "Al Davis said. "But if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment. I need to sacrifice a prostitute."
In response to all the strange occurrences going on around the league, Roger Goodell decided to cancel all the games this weekend. Goodell also said that he "found it in his heart" to award all 32 teams a victory.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
NFL Free Agent Tracker - March 9
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 8
2014 NFL Mock Draft - March 5
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 5
2015 NFL Mock Draft - March 2
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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