The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
AL DAVIS KIDNAPS SCIENTIST; DEMANDS THE IMPOSSIBLE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 26, 2014
The Earth shook. People fell. Tables toppled over. Houses collapsed. All because a 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound monstrosity ran forward in a straight line.
When the trembling finally stopped, everyone just assumed it was a common earthquake.
Meanwhile, 100 yards underground, Al Davis glanced at his stop watch. It read 0.4. Davis grabbed his whip and lashed his favorite player.
"Faster... Glandor, faster... you need... to break... the zero-second... barrier..."
Glandor roared, picked up a large rock and smacked himself on the head with it. He jogged back to the starting line to get ready to run his 40-yard dash again. As he was about to take off, a cyclops stormed into the room.
"My liege, I have found the man you were looking for," the cyclops bellowed, holding an elderly man by his neck. "If this is acceptable, I would like my award."
Al Davis cracked a smile.
"Well done... well done... Mr. Cyclops... As promised... I have prepared... 25 virgin cyclopses for you... in your bedroom..."
The cyclops clapped his hands and ran off to his quarters. Al Davis turned his attention to the scientist laying on the ground.
"Mr. Stephen Hawking... I was told... you are... the only one... who knows how... to make runners... break the... zero-second barrier..."
Stephen Hawking grabbed his voice computer and began typing feverishly.
"But mistur Al Daaavis, that is impossibible," Hawking typed on his broken computer. "It is not possibibible to run fastor than zero secuuuunds."
Al Davis shook his head and grabbed his whip.
"Mr. Hawking... if you do not... tell me how... to get Glandor... to run faster... than zero seconds... I will... whip you so hard... you will ask... my gargoyle sentries... to kill you quickly..."
"I suppopose there is a waaay," Hawking typed. "There might beeee another univeriverse out there where theengs are oppopopsite. Maybeeee I can access iiiit."
Al Davis smiled in approval.
"Well, Mr. Hawking... you can now... go to work... if you don't... allow me to... access this universe... in two days... I will sacrifice you... as a virgin... instead of... the young girl from... ABC's Flashforward..."
AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 29, 2014
The New England-Oakland game commenced just as everyone expected it to.
A few hours prior to kickoff, Glandor, JaMarcus Russell and the Patriots' newly acquired backup guard Andre Smith snuck into Romeo Crennel's office and raided his cookie stash.
Crennel, the defensive coordinator for New England, earlier estimated that it would take three average human beings 45 years to devour all of his cookies. The troika of Glandor, Russell and Andre Smith finished in just 15 minutes.
An hour later, Crennel needed his cookie fix. He walked out of the elevator at Gillette Stadium and had one thought (or word) on his mind.
Crennel walked into his office and immediately dropped his 10-gallon jug of milk. He saw the door to his secret cookie stash was open and that all the cookies were gone. Only crumbs remained.
"Noooooo coookieeee!!" Crennel shouted, running through the halls, down the elevator and into the parking lot. Crennel climbed into his golf cart and rode off to the grocery store.
Emmitt addressed the rest of the coaching staff, alerting them that Crennel would not be joining them this afternoon.
"Romeo Camels have gone to the grocery," Emmitt said. "We will be without defensive coordination this afternoon because someone have aten Romeus' cookies. We obviously have a trader in our mitts."
Hours later, while the Raiders warmed up, the Patriots stared at Glandor in amazement.
"I don't know how we're going to stop him," said Pro Bowl corner Terrence Wheatley.
"Big guy going to sack me! Big guy going to sack me!" cried Anthony Morelli.
Josh McDaniels, meanwhile, tried his hardest to quell his players' concerns.
"O-M-G guys, I know he's like big and stuff, but like come on!" McDaniels shouted at his players. "I guess he's like an OK player, but he wouldn't even fit into our awesome offensive scheme. McDaniels for the win, guys!"
As the coin toss was about to occur, everyone's attention went toward the sky. What appeared to be a huge bird was flying toward the stadium. As the big approached, it became evident that it was a gargoyle. In the gargoyle's claws was Al Davis. The gargoyle landed at midfield, and Al Davis addressed the crowd.
"In my hands... is a button... to make everything... the opposite... this will... make Glandor... run a 40... in less than... zero seconds..."
Before anyone could stop him, Al Davis pressed the big red button in his hands.
For a moment, nothing appeared to happen. Then, there was a bright white flash in the sky that blinded everyone for about five seconds.
Once everyone came to, Emmitt reacted quickly. He ran to midfield and tackled Al Davis.
"You fiend, you shall never inconvenience us again for all of eternity," Emmitt said.
Everyone was shocked. Did Emmitt just speak grammatically correct English? McDaniels ran over to his boss.
"Sir, are you OK?" McDaniels asked. "I know my offense is terrible and may be giving you a lot of difficulty, so I apologize for any problems I may have caused."
Gasps were heard from the onlookers. Did McDaniels just admit that he's not awesome? Morelli ran over to both of them.
"Gentlemen, something is afoot," Morelli said. "Suddenly, my head is clear and I am not seeing any double vision. I don't feel like throwing up and I can actually speak without slurring any words. What has Al Davis done to us?"
As they turned toward Al Davis, Crennel sprinted into the stadium.
"Hey guys, I heard everything," Crennel said. "Something is definitely wrong. I bought all of these cookies for some reason, but I don't know what I'm going to do with them. Suddenly, I have a craving for celery and a salad with fat-free dressing."
"Mmmm...." Andre Smith salivated. "Celery and salad with fat-free dressing. Sounds delicious."
The five men looked down at Al Davis, who shrugged his shoulders.
"Let's see if my great plan worked," Davis said.
Glandor took his cue and walked to the 40-yard line. Five seconds earlier, he was in the end zone.
"It worked!" Al Davis exclaimed. "Glandor ran a 40 time in negative-5 seconds! But... why do I even care? Forty times are meaningless. This is all kind of stupid."
Everyone was in shock to hear Al Davis say this.
"I don't know what happened, "Al Davis said. "But if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment. I need to sacrifice a prostitute."
In response to all the strange occurrences going on around the league, Roger Goodell decided to cancel all the games this weekend. Goodell also said that he "found it in his heart" to award all 32 teams a victory.