The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Aug. 24, 2019
It only took half an hour, but Emmitt was banned from Twitter - and he hadn't posted a single tweet in more than a month!
Emmitt's comments about individuals who identify themselves as celery were making their rounds on that social media platform. The hashtags #EmmittEatsCelery and #EmmittOpposesCeleryBathrooms were the top two trending items on Twitter. The third, #ThisCeleryThingIsDumb, was taken down by Twitter within mere minutes of it being popularized.
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was quick to respond to this when some celebrities, including Celery Jones, voiced their opinions.
"Non-celery people are s**t," Jones tweeted.
Many took offense to this, citing that Celery Jones was racist, but Dorsey disagreed.
"As a person of celery identification, Celery Jones cannot be racist, and we value her opinion above anyone else's," Dorsey said in a prepared statement. Jones, of course, is one of the four stars of the latest Ghostbusters movie, Ghostbusters 12: The Main Characters Are Just as Green as Slimer. It was critically acclaimed by the same idiots who gives Oscar to terrible movies, but it scored an all-time low of minus-57 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
Dorsey told Celery Jones to follow him so that he could privately message her. Minutes later, Emmitt was permanently exiled from Twitter.
We called Emmitt for comment, and he was surprised by the decision.
"I did not even know Twitter can banded you," Emmitt said on his car phone. "Banded is a name of a guy who make music, and I never even hearded of music on Twitter."
We still were unsure of why Emmitt was banned for saying something off of Twitter, but were given clarification from Dorsey when he read another prepared statement.
"Here at Twitter, we are firm believers of free speech," he said. "Unless, of course, you disagree with our beliefs. If you don't conform to our groupthink, we reserve the right to exile you from Twitter forever. Opinions that differ from ours are not welcome, although I would like to once again emphasize that we strongly value free speech."
The individuals who actually have a brain and can think for themselves without getting offended every five seconds protested Dorsey, tweeting @Jack that they'd cancel Twitter if he didn't change his decision. Their decision to follow through with their threats was made easier in the wake of Emmitt's most recent comments.
"Twitter kind of stupids," Emmitt said. "It very frustrating. The rule of Twitter is you can only type 140 word at a time, but I type like 20 or 30 word and he do not let me tweet! Why do he not let me tweet?"
Emmitt apparently won't have to worry about that any longer.
EMMITT SAVES OLD FRIEND FROM TROUBLE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Aug. 25, 2019
Despite his disdain and confusion about Twitter, Emmitt was still mulling Jack Dorsey's curious decision during his road trip.
"I still do not understand why people angry that I eat the celerous," he said aloud. "Celerous good food and scientist even say that people who eat the celerous burned more chlorine in their body than the chlorine he gain from eating the celerous!
"But that not important," he said, trying to change the subject with himself. "The important thing are following the instruction the mysterious man say on the telephone."
Emmitt unfolded his map of the United States once again, and he pointed his finger at his current destination.
"I never even hearded of this Emerald University until the guy say it to me on the telephone," Emmitt said. "I just hope I can rescue Dianna Marie Russia there and she safe and soundproof."
Emmitt continued south toward the state of Georgia. The scenery was breathtaking, and Emmitt made sure to take all of it in. There was also one beautiful church on his left in the state of North Carolina. He marveled at it, but slammed his breaks when something - or rather, someone - caught his attention.
He couldn't believe his eyes. It was Johnny Manziel!
Emmitt hadn't seen Manziel since the former Cleveland quarterback guided him through the Walking Bucs apocalypse. Manziel had since disappeared, nowhere to be found, but here he was!
Emmitt, unfortunately, didn't have the time to exchange pleasantries with his friend. He noticed that Manziel appeared to be in big trouble. He was dressed in a suit and had just punched another man in a suit. Emmitt then spotted a woman wearing a white dress crying uncontrollably, accompanied by eight strong-looked men wearing tuxedos.
"So, let see here," Emmitt said, assessing the situation. "A lot of guy wearing suit and a women wearing a wedding dress. This either a business meeting, or maybe it happen to be a wedding. Wait, this is a church so it probably a wedding!"
Emmitt quickly mulled over his options. He could get out of his vehicle and assist Manziel against the eight giant brutes, but then the two former players would be outnumbered eight to two.
"And the greatest commons factoroid between the two number happen to be two, so if you divide themselfs by two, you get four and one, so Johnny Foosball and I gonna be outnumbered eight to one."
Emmitt then recalled his favorite movie, Wedding Crashers.
"The two guy in the movie always crash the wedding," Emmitt said. "Now I am gonna continue the tradition and crash this wedding myselves."
Emmitt slammed on the gas and turned the car right toward the church. His vehicle exploded through the fence and sped right toward the bride and the eight groomsmen. They were so stunned that they didn't move, and before they knew what hit them, Emmitt's car actually did. All nine individuals were dead, but the important thing was that Manziel was safe.
"Emmitt, hic, I can'ts believes it," Manziel slurred. "You're likes my guarsdians angeles mans."
"Johnny Foosball, I do not understand what you say right now," Emmitt replied. "But I just glad that you gonna help me on another mission impossible."