The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 15, 2015
No sports fan will ever forget what happened five years ago. During the 2010 NFL season, Brett Favre, the league's biggest name and iconic figure, was caught sending pictures of his private parts to a New York Jets hot female reporter.
Once the news broke, the backlash was almost instantaneous. The Hall of Fame quarterback lost his precious Wrangler's jeans commercials. Favre also took a shotgun and blew off his right elbow to deflect attention away from this story. Meanwhile, ESPN headquarters spontaneously combusted. All that was left was Stuart Scott's glass eye.
"I gotta say, it's too bad something like that happened, but at least I got my Wrangler jeans," Favre said at the time, unaware that he lost his sponsorship with Wranger. "I gotta say, this jeans are real comfortable. I sent that Jets reporter a picture of my jeans too; don't know why that's not bein' reported."
Those who do not learn from history are bound to repeat it. The NFL announced Wednesday that it is looking into New England Patriots offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and some pictures he allegedly sent to Erin Andrews via his cell phone.
"I don't know what the big deal is," Mangini said. "Erin Andrews is my almost girlfriend, and boyfriends and girlfriends send each other pictures on the phone all the time. That's what Shannon Sharpe's cool older brother Sterling told us one night when I slept over Shannon's house because my mom made me."
Per reports, none of the pictures Mangini sent over to Andrews contained any nudity. On the contrary, the pictures were what a police officer called "pathetically hilarious." New York City Chief of Police Carl Winslow, tasked to lead this investigation, commented on the matter.
"I, Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts and Denizen of Doritos, have hereby declared the comedic value of these photographs to be worth three boxes of Oreos, two bags of Cheetos and a sausage biscuit, all of which I have consumed already, hem, hem," Winslow said. "Now, if you will excuse me, I shall now resume course for Red Lobster, where I will devour as many crabs and shrimps as there are available."
Before going, Winslow walked us through the four pictures in question. The first was of a pair of Barbie and Ken dolls, except photographs of Mangini and Andrews' faces were glued on each of the dolls' heads. The second was of the Barbie and Ken doll holding hands. The third was the Ken doll proposing to the Barbie doll. And the fourth was a picture of Shannon Sharpe playing the Nintendo Wii. Winslow said he is "unsure" of how the fourth photograph fits in with the first three.
Andrews, meanwhile, initially wanted the story published, but later retracted that, citing she never wanted this made public and declaring that she will refuse to cooperate with Winslow's investigation.
"I don't even know who this fat loser Eric Mangina is," Andrews said. "He keeps IMing me for some reason, but no matter how much I ignore him, he keeps sending me messages, so I just respond with one-word answers hoping that he'll get the hint and stop bothering me. It's not working."
Mangini was not shaken by these words, reasoning that Andrews was just "keeping things quiet" during the investigation. Mangini's coaching superior, however, was not as calm.
"This is the second times that Eric Mangina have gotten into hot waters with that sideline reporting," Emmitt said. "Gettin' into hot waters not a good thing because sometime you get burned alive, but sometime it is relaxin', but hot waters is a lot like dark chocolate - you never know what you're gonna give."
Emmitt said everything is on track for Sunday's game against the Bills.
"The Bill have a player called C.J. Spoil who touch the ball only one time per game," Emmitt said. "You don't know when it gonna happen, but sooner or letter Spoil gonna touch the ball, and then do the victorious go the spoilers."
We're not sure what that means, but it appears as though Emmitt has a plan to keep New England's winning streak alive amid the Mangini distraction.
MANGINI REDEEMS HIMSELF, PATRIOTS 6-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 19, 2015
Eric Mangini isn't off the hook yet for the four pictures he sent to Erin Andrews, but at least he has saved some face with the New England Patriots organization.
Prior to kickoff against the Buffalo Bills, Mangini was feverishly pressing buttons on his phone again.
"I saw what he was doin' and I thought, 'Boy are you flipped upside your minds?'" Emmitt said. "If I got into hot trouble usin' my phone number, I would make sure I would never touch my phone number ever again. I would use telegrams, carrier pigeon wagon, even dog with the paper in his mouth rather than my phone number."
Emmitt didn't slap Mangini "upside the head" like he wanted to - which was a good thing because Mangini's phone tactics helped the Patriots prevail on Sunday.
Instead of sending questionable pictures to Erin Andrews, Mangini shot over photos to everyone on the Bills, including head coach Boomer Esiason.
"I sent them hot pictures of my almost girlfriend in a bikini to make everyone jealous to see what kind of almost girlfriend I have," Mangini said. "I got the hot pictures of Erin in a bikini off Facebook. I downloaded them onto my phone and sorted them into different folders. It sounds like a really complicated system, but it's really not."
As awkward as that sounds, it really worked. No one on Buffalo's 53-man roster, save for third-string quarterback Jeff Garcia, took the field. In fact, the other 52 players all made excuses about having to go home.
Esiason, meanwhile, was inspired by Mangini's ploy.
"I never thought that fat piece of crap could ever think of something great, but I guess I was wrong," Esiason said. "I'm not wrong often. In fact, I don't think I've ever been wrong before. But here am I, admitting to all of you that I, like you, am just a normal human being."
Esiason told the media that he took some pictures of his own and sent them away to a contact on his phone.
"I took numerous pictures of my wang and testicles," Esiason revealed. "I then sent them over to Dan Marino. After that, I texted him, 'Suck on it, Dan. Suck 'em long, and suck 'em hard!' Ha! Dan Marino is such a douche, I can't even express how much I hate him. I wish I could run him over with my truck right now and get away with it. Oh man, that would be so incredible."
With only one active player and a head coach focused on sending someone pictures of his genitals, the Bills forfeited, improving the Patriots' record to 6-0. Emmitt was relieved, stating that he couldn't sleep the night before thinking about how to handle Buffalo's offense.
"I was tossin' and turnin' and flippin' and floppin,'" Emmitt said. "I had bad dream call nightmare about C.J. Spoil runnin' the ball one time per game. Would the run come in the first quarter? The second quarter? The third quarter? The fourth quarter? Or the fifth quarter that sometime happen and sometime do not happen mysteriously? When he run the ball one times per game, all hell can break loose leaf."
Mangini, the next to speak at the post-game press conference, stated that he wasn't surprised that the Bills reacted this way.
"I think this proves one thing," Mangini smugly said. "The almost love that Erin Andrews and I have is so strong that it can defeat an entire football team. I knew it would happen. I talk to Erin Andrews every night on AIM even when it takes her three or four hours to respond to one of my IMs and it's only one word. But she's probably busy trying to figure out when and where we're going to get married and stuff."
If Mangini's game plans are half as strong as his misguided confidence, the New England Patriots may never lose again.
Seems like a month ago that i was 8-2 in two days of MLB play, actually it was 4 days ago. Another crap result yesterday and I'm getting a little cheesed about it. If I had not used hedging techniques I would be bleeding coin by now, but since I am, it's just a stinger. For today: In an ongoing par from yesterday I'm sticking the Under 8.5 -115 in the Braves/Dodger game in the second tier spot. Start up pars with Astros: -118, Boston -123, and AZ +1.5 RL -160, all with two open. GL and hopefully the Red tide will fade.