The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Nov. 11, 2013
Most NFL teams use their bye week to relax. Some work on improving themselves. Others organize team activities in an effort to bond together. Not the Patriots.
While the team's starting quarterback was getting into trouble at Penn State - see the story below for details - the head coach was summoned to FOX headquarters and was asked to participate in the network's newest reality TV show. Emmitt accepted the bid in a heartbeat.
Emmitt will be one of 12 celebrities to compete in Eating Cereal with the Stars.
Though critics are ranting about how unintelligible the show is, the fact remains that FOX is king of producing realty programs that draw in tens of millions of brain-dead viewers every night. It all began with American Idol and seemed innocent enough. However, FOX continued to replace quality shows like Boston Public, Prison Break and even 24, and clogged the air waves with more reality shows, including The Simple Life, Trading Spouses, Hole in the Wall, Stuck in an Elevator for Five Hours!, So You Think You Can Share a Cage with Two Polar Bears? and Swapping Children at Birth!
Aside from Emmitt, Eating Cereal with the Stars will feature Sally Struthers, a renowned food monger; Brendan Fraser, who recently won the award for fattest action hero of all time; Steven Seagal, another overrated actor; Joey Porter, a CBS studio analyst; Carl Winslow, the greatest police officer and father figure the city of Chicago has ever known; and Shannen Doherty, who may or may not have 50 STDs.
Contestants will be judged on how efficiently they open the boxes of cereal and pour the milk into their bowl. They will also be timed on how quickly they eat their cereal, but will be penalized if they spill anything, which is unfortunate for Struthers. After this is over, each contestant will have to wash their dishes as quickly as possible.
Per FOX's contract, Emmitt will have to spend all next week training with cereal-eating professionals, and will consequently miss the upcoming game against the Steelers. Bob Kraft, noting that food was the most important thing in the world, granted Emmitt a short leave of absence. Brad Childress and Romeo Crennel will co-coach the Patriots against Pittsburgh.
"I cannot wait to do the serious eating competitions," Emmitt said. "My favorite serious is Count Chocolate. He is very scary, and... I'm sorry. Count Chocolateula. Count Chocolateula. I can only hope I win the competitions, but I am afraid that Steven Cigar have my numbers."
Struthers was excited to have Emmitt as a co-contestant.
"Me am excited that Emmitt do competition with me," Struthers groaned while downing five dozen Big Macs. "But me am sorry, me going to win competition and eat all cereals!"
With trash talking like this, how can America not be amped for this new show?
MORELLI ACCUSED OF ASSAULT
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Nov. 11, 2013
The Patriots' head coach wasn't the only member of the team in the national spotlight during the bye week. But while Emmitt was offered a deal to star in a new reality show, Anthony Morelli's actions further angered New England fans, who were already frustrated with his performance on the field.
Morelli, who spent the bye week at Penn State, has been accused of assaulting a small Asian boy during a party at Nicholas Tower, located two blocks from campus.
Sixth-year senior Wallace Applepinsky, a journalism major and owner of a football Web site, who admittedly always shows up to class late and has taken some finals inebriated, was one of many witnesses to come forward to the Boston Beat and explain what happened on Saturday night.
Applepinsky, who arrived to the party 30 minutes earlier, was in the bathroom prior to his scheduled game of beer pong. After finishing up his business, Applepinsky opened the bathroom door and witnessed a small Asian boy fly down the hallway. The boy's nose was gushing blood. Looking the other way, Applepinsky spotted an enraged Morelli, who repeatedly yelled, "Don't f***ing talk to me! Don't f***ing talk to me!"
"I've never seen anything like it," Applepinsky said. "Morelli's face was all red, and he was acting like he chugged about 500 beers, which I guess is normal for him. It's a good thing he was being restrained by some offensive linemen who currently played for the team, or that kid would have been dead.
Morelli's target has not been identified, but according to all sources, he wasn't anything bigger than 5-2, 125 pounds.
"That poor kid... I don't know what he said or did to Morelli, but he was about half his size," Applepinsky said. "I guess I'd have to assume that he goes to Penn State, but he seriously looked like he was 14 or 15 years old. There's a pretty good chance he was some local high school kid who snuck into this party. Maybe Morelli was pissed that a high-schooler was stealing his beer, I don't know. But that kid's nose was gushing blood, his lip was busted and he looked scared to death. I really feel bad for him."
Despite many efforts to calm Morelli down, the Patriots' starting quarterback continued to yell incoherently. He was then asked to leave the party, but he wouldn't do so, prompting the hostess to pull the fire alarm.
"He just wouldn't leave or listen to reason," Applepinsky said. "He just kept shouting nonsense no one could understand. He was forced into the hallway by his lackeys, but he eventually made his way back into the apartment.
"Hey, I don't hate the guy or anything," Applepinsky continued. "I'm just pissed off that I wasn't able to play beer pong. And I also have to wonder what the Nittany Lions... I mean Patriots are doing with a guy who can't even keep his composure when confronted by a 5-foot, 125-pound Asian kid? I find that really ridiculous, especially with a solid backup like Daryll Clark... I mean Kevin O'Connell on the bench."
Morelli, who was rumored to pull a similar stunt on Jan. 21, 2006, offered a short statement to the media, explaining his actions.
"Uhh... I dunno... Eh yo," Morelli said. "Asian guy angry me! He angry me! So I put punch in face! Haha! Uhh... Eh yo?"
It should be interesting to see if Roger Goodell punishes Morelli with a suspension and a fine. It's likely, however, that Emmitt will stick with Morelli as his starting quarterback. As Emmitt has said before, "Morelli have gold in his head."