Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 17
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
SHANNON SAVES THE DAY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2017
Evil Emmitt's plan was coming to fruition. He had Emmitt and his pals right where he wanted them. The expression on his face told it all - he looked happy and satisfied, yet there was still a strong sense of malice in his eyes. He was obviously plotting something sinister.
"Shannon Shark finally here," Evil Emmitt said, staring down Sharpe as if he despised his very being. "Now it is time to reveal the mastered plans to these folk before we get down to businesses and shove very fat player into Shark behind."
Evil Emmitt motioned to the corner, where former tackle Bryant McKinnie was chained and gagged. Sharpe, realizing what was about to happen, turned and ran toward the door, but one of Evil Emmitt's henchmen grabbed hold of him.
"That 50,000-percent USDA Man's not going anywhere," Matt Millen snorted. "We've wanted Shannon here this whole time ever since we discovered that shoving stuff into the backsides of people who are at least 1,000-percent USDA Men can bring people back from the dead. We were able to revive Brandon Marshall's wife by forcing a log into Arian Foster's backside."
"But bringing back Marshall's wife was just a test run of sorts," Norv Turner's turkey neck interrupted. "We need our old boss back. We need Al Davis back."
Turner's turkey neck went on to explain that unlike in our present world, where the undead Al Davis still serves as the overbearing owner of the Oakland Raiders, the Al Davis of their dimension perished in 2011.
"Without Al Davis, superior athletes who run fast 40s have no home in the NFL," Turner's turkey neck lamented. "Think about it - who would draft the NFL Combine superstars in your league if Al Davis weren't a part of it? Without Al Davis, these athletes have to quit football and resort to a life of drugs, gambling and alcohol. We're trying to save these guys, and to do it, we need our Al Davis back."
Evil Emmitt walked toward a comatose McKinnie and unshackled him. He then dragged his blubbery body toward Shannon.
"Now, the fat guy go into your backside, Shannon Stark," Evil Emmitt declared.
Just when it seemed like all hope was lost, there was a loud bang. One second, there was a cloud of smoke, and the next, a ninja appeared seemingly out of thin air.
"Shannon you must a save our pranet!" the ninja pleaded. "Evir Emmitt say he bring back Ar Davis but two Ar Davis wirr destroy pranet! You must save a pranet!"
"Ugh, stupid Shannon doesn't know how to save anything!" whined Eric Mangini. "He couldn't even save my marriage to Asian Erin Andrews. He's worthless!"
The ninja paid no attention to Mangini's wails. "You must tark about hemorgrobin! Tark about hemogrobin!"
"Wg8hwoi hqo wlbnr jobowb jbk hemogrobin fb khbo bosdjbvk fb riabk sdkre oxygen brgb oen flbn bkabs iyvdsvbk oxygen r wf a dle wrog bkfbnsfnvjals foubo hemogrobin hne nlvsod fnor n," Sharpe said instantly.
Nothing happened, however, as Evil Emmitt, Norv Turkey's Neck and Millen grabbed hold of Sharpe's pants.
"No, not hemogrobin! HemogRobin!" the ninja shouted.
Sharpe suddenly looked like he understood. "Wrugh owhwo lrgn rg onsl dsuobrubg hemoglobin r gefl dsl gei 2bks rog oxygen e we borubg 2b e3ub 3x rkg betkb rg oxygen u wb kab bg irg r gwur wef ksdbkfjbdskb irg hemoglobin wr kdsjb kebg rbgk," Sharpe cried.
Almost instantly, there was a blinding light. Emmitt, Sharpe and his other friends shielded their eyes. When they could finally look again, Evil Emmitt, Norv's Turkey Neck and Millen were all gone. Evil Emmitt's henchmen also vanished - as did the enigmatic ninja.
"Ghoq wnr rg ls nrk b good wenr eri gher ol nl th n ag triumphs asaiu 2tb rlgn lrn elrg dsv over sdkvb t 5y4 ewjs e rog evil wrg e bdskj erb rbkg skdskjb krbgkrj," sighed a relieved Sharpe.
We couldn't have said it any better ourselves.
EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2017
Roger Goodell has done some inexcusable things in the past, but he to be given credit for his latest idea. Goodell decided to host an exquisite banquet for Emmitt and his friends for ending Bountygate II on Tuesday, Dec. 26. It was a glorious night.
"Football friends and family, I want to thank you for gathering here today to honor someone who has done something so incredible recently that he saved us all - and that would be me," Goodell said, looking cockier than ever. "Without me, Emmitt would've never been put on the case to stop Bountygate II. Emmitt did a great job, but it is important that we recognize my genius as the reason that the culprits behind Bountygate II have been silenced."
Goodell paused, waiting for applause, but there was none forthcoming.
"Come on guys, clap for me please!" Goodell begged. "I have gifts for all of our heroes - tokens of appreciation, if you will!"
This finally gave the crowd reason to cheer.
"Thank you, thank you, oh you're too kind, yes I'm so great aren't, I? Oh yes!" Goodell beamed. "Now, I'd like to present myself with the first gift for being such a great commissioner. I'm proud to announce that I'm building a new statue for myself. This one will be made of orichalcum and will replace the Mark Sanchez butt fumble statue in Bountygate II headquarters! Isn't that so great!?"
The crowd moaned and groaned, but this did not seem to bother Goodell.
"Yes, yes, I know you are all jealous that you can't have orichalcum states of yourselves, but not everyone can be as great as me," Goodell boasted. "Now, as for Emmitt's friends. Brandon Marshall, come on up here. I give to you a lifetime's supply of McDonald's cheeseburgers. But don't worry, Marshall. These cheeseburgers will not come in wrappers, so they won't be any danger to you."
Calling Marshall blissful at that moment would have been an understatement. He beamed, thanking Goodell.
"I never thought I'd be able to eat a McDonald's cheeseburger ever again," said Marshall with tears in his eyes. "Without wrappers, there's no danger of me slipping and falling and breaking my neck."
Marshall walked off the stage, allowing Goodell to address the crowd again.
"Next, for Eric Winston, I'd love to offer the gift of love and friendship," Goodell announced.
Winston's jaw dropped when he saw a fully healed Matt Cassel walk from behind the stage. Cassel, as you may remember, was forced into a wheelchair after being assaulted anally with a poisonous toad, barbeque sauce and the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine during one of the worst Bountygate II attacks.
"Matt Cassel? Matt Cassel!" Winston cried, running toward the stage. The two men hugged and kissed. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
"Matt Cassel, you are such an incredible quarterback - I had no idea why anyone would ever boo you," Winston said lovingly, walking out of the ceremony with his favorite signal-caller.
"Isn't that beautiful?" Goodell asked. "Next, I'd like to honor Eric Mangini. Now, Eric told me that he wanted lots of money as a reward, so I'm giving him a check for $50,000."
As Mangini walked toward the stage to accept his prize, a woman's voice cried out from the other side of the banquet.
"My rovery husband finarry have money!" cried Asian Erin Andrews. "Eric Mangina I rearry sorry for reaving you! I rove you so much. I make mistake. Prease forgive me and buy me rots and rots of jewerry!"
A beaming Mangini started walking toward his wife, but hesitated for a second.
"Hey, I can still have the real Erin Andrews as a second wife, right?" Mangini asked.
"Yes, absorutery!" Asian Erin Andrews replied. "As rong as you buy me a whore rot of jewerry you can have my comprete bressing."
Mangini sprinted toward Asian Erin Andrews and embraced her. They then kissed, which seemed to disgust most of the people attending the ceremony because, let's face it, Mangini is a bit of a creeper.
"So much love in this room - there's Winston and Cassel, Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews, everyone and me... so touching," Goodell said. "Next, the great Shannon Sharpe, who can't be with us tonight because he's on a mysterious mission in China. I mailed him a voice box so we can finally understand what he's saying.
"Now, for the main man, aside from me of course," Goodell continued. "Emmitt, you were great. Not nearly as great as me, but great nonetheless. For your service, I'd like to present you with the English edition of Rosetta Stone so that you may finally master the English language."
Emmitt went on stage and shook Goodell's hand, but denied the prize.
"Thank you, Roger Goldman, but I do not need a stone or a rock, which another name for a stone, to learn the English language," Emmitt stated. "I already know American language because I take class at University of Florida City University, but I do not have planneds to go to country of English in future, so I do not need this stone or rock."
As Goodell began thanking other people and himself some more, Emmitt, not wanting to be part of the limelight, quietly snuck out of the ceremony. He looked back one last time at a suddenly disturbed-looking Goodell, who had Bill Belichick whispering something in his ear.
Another mission for Emmitt? Not now. That's for another time.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
NFL Picks - Dec. 9
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 7
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 6
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
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