(I think my math is right.)
A lot has changed in the last five weeks - I don't even remember putting Carson Wentz on my board and now he's heavily projected to go 2nd overall - so this should be an interesting change of pace from my last draft. Updates will be weekly or bi-weekly from here on out.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2017
Evil Emmitt's plan was coming to fruition. He had Emmitt and his pals right where he wanted them. The expression on his face told it all - he looked happy and satisfied, yet there was still a strong sense of malice in his eyes. He was obviously plotting something sinister.
"Shannon Shark finally here," Evil Emmitt said, staring down Sharpe as if he despised his very being. "Now it is time to reveal the mastered plans to these folk before we get down to businesses and shove very fat player into Shark behind."
Evil Emmitt motioned to the corner, where former tackle Bryant McKinnie was chained and gagged. Sharpe, realizing what was about to happen, turned and ran toward the door, but one of Evil Emmitt's henchmen grabbed hold of him.
"That 50,000-percent USDA Man's not going anywhere," Matt Millen snorted. "We've wanted Shannon here this whole time ever since we discovered that shoving stuff into the backsides of people who are at least 1,000-percent USDA Men can bring people back from the dead. We were able to revive Brandon Marshall's wife by forcing a log into Arian Foster's backside."
"But bringing back Marshall's wife was just a test run of sorts," Norv Turner's turkey neck interrupted. "We need our old boss back. We need Al Davis back."
Turner's turkey neck went on to explain that unlike in our present world, where the undead Al Davis still serves as the overbearing owner of the Oakland Raiders, the Al Davis of their dimension perished in 2011.
"Without Al Davis, superior athletes who run fast 40s have no home in the NFL," Turner's turkey neck lamented. "Think about it - who would draft the NFL Combine superstars in your league if Al Davis weren't a part of it? Without Al Davis, these athletes have to quit football and resort to a life of drugs, gambling and alcohol. We're trying to save these guys, and to do it, we need our Al Davis back."
Evil Emmitt walked toward a comatose McKinnie and unshackled him. He then dragged his blubbery body toward Shannon.
"Now, the fat guy go into your backside, Shannon Stark," Evil Emmitt declared.
Just when it seemed like all hope was lost, there was a loud bang. One second, there was a cloud of smoke, and the next, a ninja appeared seemingly out of thin air.
"Shannon you must a save our pranet!" the ninja pleaded. "Evir Emmitt say he bring back Ar Davis but two Ar Davis wirr destroy pranet! You must save a pranet!"
"Ugh, stupid Shannon doesn't know how to save anything!" whined Eric Mangini. "He couldn't even save my marriage to Asian Erin Andrews. He's worthless!"
The ninja paid no attention to Mangini's wails. "You must tark about hemorgrobin! Tark about hemogrobin!"
"Wg8hwoi hqo wlbnr jobowb jbk hemogrobin fb khbo bosdjbvk fb riabk sdkre oxygen brgb oen flbn bkabs iyvdsvbk oxygen r wf a dle wrog bkfbnsfnvjals foubo hemogrobin hne nlvsod fnor n," Sharpe said instantly.
Nothing happened, however, as Evil Emmitt, Norv Turkey's Neck and Millen grabbed hold of Sharpe's pants.
"No, not hemogrobin! HemogRobin!" the ninja shouted.
Sharpe suddenly looked like he understood. "Wrugh owhwo lrgn rg onsl dsuobrubg hemoglobin r gefl dsl gei 2bks rog oxygen e we borubg 2b e3ub 3x rkg betkb rg oxygen u wb kab bg irg r gwur wef ksdbkfjbdskb irg hemoglobin wr kdsjb kebg rbgk," Sharpe cried.
Almost instantly, there was a blinding light. Emmitt, Sharpe and his other friends shielded their eyes. When they could finally look again, Evil Emmitt, Norv's Turkey Neck and Millen were all gone. Evil Emmitt's henchmen also vanished - as did the enigmatic ninja.
"Ghoq wnr rg ls nrk b good wenr eri gher ol nl th n ag triumphs asaiu 2tb rlgn lrn elrg dsv over sdkvb t 5y4 ewjs e rog evil wrg e bdskj erb rbkg skdskjb krbgkrj," sighed a relieved Sharpe.
We couldn't have said it any better ourselves.
EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Dec. 27, 2017
Roger Goodell has done some inexcusable things in the past, but he to be given credit for his latest idea. Goodell decided to host an exquisite banquet for Emmitt and his friends for ending Bountygate II on Tuesday, Dec. 26. It was a glorious night.
"Football friends and family, I want to thank you for gathering here today to honor someone who has done something so incredible recently that he saved us all - and that would be me," Goodell said, looking cockier than ever. "Without me, Emmitt would've never been put on the case to stop Bountygate II. Emmitt did a great job, but it is important that we recognize my genius as the reason that the culprits behind Bountygate II have been silenced."
Goodell paused, waiting for applause, but there was none forthcoming.
"Come on guys, clap for me please!" Goodell begged. "I have gifts for all of our heroes - tokens of appreciation, if you will!"
This finally gave the crowd reason to cheer.
"Thank you, thank you, oh you're too kind, yes I'm so great aren't, I? Oh yes!" Goodell beamed. "Now, I'd like to present myself with the first gift for being such a great commissioner. I'm proud to announce that I'm building a new statue for myself. This one will be made of orichalcum and will replace the Mark Sanchez butt fumble statue in Bountygate II headquarters! Isn't that so great!?"
The crowd moaned and groaned, but this did not seem to bother Goodell.
"Yes, yes, I know you are all jealous that you can't have orichalcum states of yourselves, but not everyone can be as great as me," Goodell boasted. "Now, as for Emmitt's friends. Brandon Marshall, come on up here. I give to you a lifetime's supply of McDonald's cheeseburgers. But don't worry, Marshall. These cheeseburgers will not come in wrappers, so they won't be any danger to you."
Calling Marshall blissful at that moment would have been an understatement. He beamed, thanking Goodell.
"I never thought I'd be able to eat a McDonald's cheeseburger ever again," said Marshall with tears in his eyes. "Without wrappers, there's no danger of me slipping and falling and breaking my neck."
Marshall walked off the stage, allowing Goodell to address the crowd again.
"Next, for Eric Winston, I'd love to offer the gift of love and friendship," Goodell announced.
Winston's jaw dropped when he saw a fully healed Matt Cassel walk from behind the stage. Cassel, as you may remember, was forced into a wheelchair after being assaulted anally with a poisonous toad, barbeque sauce and the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine during one of the worst Bountygate II attacks.
"Matt Cassel? Matt Cassel!" Winston cried, running toward the stage. The two men hugged and kissed. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
"Matt Cassel, you are such an incredible quarterback - I had no idea why anyone would ever boo you," Winston said lovingly, walking out of the ceremony with his favorite signal-caller.
"Isn't that beautiful?" Goodell asked. "Next, I'd like to honor Eric Mangini. Now, Eric told me that he wanted lots of money as a reward, so I'm giving him a check for $50,000."
As Mangini walked toward the stage to accept his prize, a woman's voice cried out from the other side of the banquet.
"My rovery husband finarry have money!" cried Asian Erin Andrews. "Eric Mangina I rearry sorry for reaving you! I rove you so much. I make mistake. Prease forgive me and buy me rots and rots of jewerry!"
A beaming Mangini started walking toward his wife, but hesitated for a second.
"Hey, I can still have the real Erin Andrews as a second wife, right?" Mangini asked.
"Yes, absorutery!" Asian Erin Andrews replied. "As rong as you buy me a whore rot of jewerry you can have my comprete bressing."
Mangini sprinted toward Asian Erin Andrews and embraced her. They then kissed, which seemed to disgust most of the people attending the ceremony because, let's face it, Mangini is a bit of a creeper.
"So much love in this room - there's Winston and Cassel, Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews, everyone and me... so touching," Goodell said. "Next, the great Shannon Sharpe, who can't be with us tonight because he's on a mysterious mission in China. I mailed him a voice box so we can finally understand what he's saying.
"Now, for the main man, aside from me of course," Goodell continued. "Emmitt, you were great. Not nearly as great as me, but great nonetheless. For your service, I'd like to present you with the English edition of Rosetta Stone so that you may finally master the English language."
Emmitt went on stage and shook Goodell's hand, but denied the prize.
"Thank you, Roger Goldman, but I do not need a stone or a rock, which another name for a stone, to learn the English language," Emmitt stated. "I already know American language because I take class at University of Florida City University, but I do not have planneds to go to country of English in future, so I do not need this stone or rock."
As Goodell began thanking other people and himself some more, Emmitt, not wanting to be part of the limelight, quietly snuck out of the ceremony. He looked back one last time at a suddenly disturbed-looking Goodell, who had Bill Belichick whispering something in his ear.
Another mission for Emmitt? Not now. That's for another time.