The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 29, 2018
Jonathan Martin has been through a lot in his young life. He initially saw his draft stock drop enough to knock him down as a first-round prospect all the way to the second round. He then was highly scrutinized for his poor play as Ryan Tannehill's blind-side protector, mostly being responsible for his quarterback being sacked a league-leading number of times. And just when his 2013 season didn't look like it would get any worse, the Miami players pulled a prank on him, prompting him to slam down his lunch tray and drive himself to a local mental facility.
Stories about Martin being bullied by teammate Richie Incognito surfaced after that. There was an initial media backlash against Incognito - the type of typical, knee-jerk stupid stuff you often hear from on-air personalities - but the Dolphin players ultimately came out in support of Incognito. They criticized Martin for leaving his team "high and dry."
Martin hasn't played football since. In fact, no one has heard from him. That's because he went back to school to earn his psychology degree in an attempt to understand why he snapped like he did in his second season with the Dolphins.
Martin swiftly graduated and coincidentally earned a job at the very same mental health facility he drove to on that fateful day in October 2013.
His first day on the job went well. He made some progress with his first couple of patients and even befriended a cute blonde co-worker. Maybe I'll ask her out on a date, he confidently thought to himself as he went down to the cafeteria for lunch. He spied the room and saw an open spot at a table near the wall. He had a sudden sensation of fear that everyone sitting at that table would get up if he tried to join them, but it was brief. He quickly remembered that all of that was behind him in another life.
Martin zoned out, but was startled when he felt someone push him from behind. He turned around, and saw the man he feared most. He sported the same dumb grin, and he certainly hadn't lost any weight. Martin focused on the multiple tattoos on the large man's arm, too scared to look at him in the eyes.
"Well, well, well, look who it is," Incognito said, smirking menacingly. "Looks like they'll hire anyone here nowadays. Of course, I was here first, so looks like you're the rook again."
Martin felt his knees weaken and his stomach anxiously churn as he was once again confronted with his arch-nemesis.
"L- l- look, R-r-r-ichie," Martin stuttered. "I've moved on. I have a psychology degree. And I'm enjoying my first day on the job. And I met this cute blonde girl named Ali here that I want to ask out on..."
"What!?" Incognito shouted in disbelief. "You're gonna go steady with Ali? We used to go steady!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't..."
"You can't go steady with Ali because I'm trying to get her back, you half n***** piece of s***," Incognito sneered, his face a bright shade of red. "That's it! Meet me in the parking lot after work, and we'll settle it there! I'm gonna s*** in your f***ing mouth!"
Martin watched Incognito storm off. He bought lunch, but quickly realized that he lost his appetite. In fact, he spent the next half hour squirting diarrhea into the toilet.
The second half of the day went by extremely quickly. Martin didn't have any success with his patients, and before he knew it, it was 5 o'clock. Martin exited the building and quickly rushed to his car, hoping he'd be able to avoid Incognito. His heart sank, however, when he saw that his tires were slashed.
"Trying to make a quick get-away, were ya?" Incognito snarled, as he approached Martin with four cronies walking behind him. All five men were wearing identical teal-and-orange sleeveless uniforms. A logo of a menacing Dolphin performing a karate chop with the words "Dolphin Kai" written underneath was embroidered on each of these uniforms.
"I'm going to slap your real mother across the face," Incognito spat. "I'll kill you."
Incognito and his four friends pounced on Martin. The four friends brought Martin down to the ground and held each of his limbs. Incognito then took off his pants and positioned his buttocks right above Martin's mouth.
"I told you that I was gonna s*** in your f***ing mouth!" Incognito said, laughing maniacally.
Incognito's feces squirted quickly out of his buttocks. The pieces of poop weren't too bad at first - there was a hint of bitter chocolate - but the aftertaste was too much for Martin to handle. He uncontrollably vomited all over Incognito's rear end.
"That gives me a great idea!" Incognito shouted, still emptying his bowels all over Martin's face. "Tomorrow I'm going to vomit into the rook's mouth! What a great idea!"
Martin felt completely defeated when he heard a voice in the background. Suddenly, Incognito stopped pooping into Martin's mouth. Martin sat up and saw that Incognito and his cronies were kneeling over in pain. Standing over them was Bob Costas.
"Next time a Dorphin-kai no charrenge Martin-san in parking rot!" Costas shouted in an Asian accent for some strange reason. Incognito and his friends scurried off.
"Thanks mister!" Martin shouted gratefully, extending his hand. Costas grimaced at the sight of it because it was covered in Incognito's feces.
"My name Bob Costas," he said. "I herp you defend yourserf against Dorphin-kai."
MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 30, 2018
Jonathan Martin asked Bob Costas to teach him cool pooping moves so he could get back at Incognito for what he had done to him. Costas, however, was thinking of a different approach.
"We go to a Dorphin-kai, and I ask a sensei to make a co-worker stop making s*** in your face," Costas said, as the two drove off the Dolphin-kai dojo. Upon entering, Costas and Martin witnessed the different Dolphin-kai members practicing dangerous pooping moves; members of the pooping community would no doubt frown upon these tactics.
Costas approached the sensei, a bespectacled, balding man.
"Hai! I ask you terr student of Dorphin-kai no more poop in Martin-san's face," Costas demanded.
The sensei stared back silently for what seemed like an eternity. He then looked at Martin with malice in his eyes.
"I can see why my best student, Richie Incognito, wanted to defecate all over this young man's face," the Dolphin-kai sensei sneered. "This young man looks like his mother would be a whore, so I deny your request, loser. No one goes around with his mother being a whore with Jeff Ireland here and gets away with it."
Martin felt a sense of helplessness, but his new friend wasn't intimidated.
"Mr. Irerand, I have proposar," Costas said. "I train Martin-san for pooping tournament in two months. Martin-san enter tournament, fight Dorphin-kai there. And Dorphin-kai no hurt Martin-san in meantime."
Martin didn't expect Ireland to take the deal, but the Dolphin-kai sensei agreed to those terms. He felt a sense of relief that he would go two months without someone crapping into his mouth, but what would happen once that time expired? And how in the world would he defeat Incognito in the pooping tournament? Martin expressed his concerns to Costas, but his new sensei wouldn't have any of it.
"First you paint fence, then you wash car, then you crean garage, then you give me good backrub, then I teach you arr secret of make a poop," Costas said.
Martin did as Costas commanded. He painted both sides of the fence, washed all 25 of Costas' cars and cleaned his garage, where he found lots of nudie magazines. The backrub was the toughest challenge; his hands were completely calloused once that 3-hour session was complete.
"Now, you know arr secret of making a greatest poop!" Costas giggled following the backrub.
"What? You haven't taught me anything yet!" Martin exclaimed. "You just had me doing menial chores around your house!"
"You do a chore and you rearn make a poop!" Costas laughed even harder. "When you paint a fence, you make paint in hot sun. Sometimes it hot when you make a poop. Then you wash a car. Smerr chemicar. Sometime chemicar in bathroom. Then you found picture of naked girr in garage. Very difficurt make a poop when hot girr around.
And rook at my butt. I make a poop when you give a backrub!"
Martin couldn't believe it. Just by completing these simple tasks, he mastered the art of crapping into someone's mouth. He practiced these maneuvers for the next two months, which went by extremely quickly.
The day had finally arrived. Martin advanced through the All-South Beach Pooping Tournament quite effortlessly. His first opponent lost quickly because it was too hot in the arena, but that didn't bother Martin. The second foe complained of a chemical stench. Martin didn't even notice it. His third adversary was too distracted by all of the attractive women, who were bending over and letting their cleavage show. Martin barely even noticed.
Before long, it was Martin and Incognito in the finals. Ireland, looking very concerned, took Incognito aside and whispered, "sweep the butt" to his pupil.
"But sensei, I can beat him fair and square," Incognito protested.
"Do as I say, or I'll declare that your mother is a whore," Ireland snapped.
Martin watched as Incognito approached him. Incognito then took out a bottle, opened it up and hurled the contents into Martin's mouth.
"Now you'll be constipated!" Incognito laughed gleefully. Martin panicked briefly, but remembered his final lesson. He shoved Incognito to the ground and started giving him a great backrub.
"Oh yeah, oh, that's the spot, ooohhh," Incognito sighed, as some fecal matter squirted out of his buttocks. Martin scooped it into his hand and shoved it into Incognito's mouth.
"We have a winner, Jonathan Martin!" the judge declared.
Ireland stared in disbelief and then threw his chair against the wall. Incognito, meanwhile, rushed over to the trophy table, grabbed the grand prize and handed it to Martin himself.
"You're all right, rook!" Incognito said, smiling at Martin for the first time. "Good match!"