The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Dec. 4, 2015
Derek Anderson, who once played for the Cleveland Browns and Arizona Cardinals, is known for a drunken tirade he made following a humiliating loss to the San Francisco 49ers on Monday night five years ago.
While Anderson was heavily criticized for how he handled the post-game press conference, his rant was the best thing that could have possibly happened to him. After a year off from football, Anderson and several like-minded individuals founded the Drunk Football Network.
"Hey mannn, sometimmmes you gaa watch football and drank at the sammmme timmme," Anderson said. "Hic! Now evvvrryybody can drank and watch footballll like it wuzzz made taaa be."
Anderson went on to hire Bob Papa, Joe Theismann and Matt Millen as the TV broadcasters.
"We're pleased that Jammal Anderson hired us after the NFL Network fired us," Papa said.
Theismann and Millen both nodded in agreement.
"We are the color commentators of the Drunk Football Network," Millen unnecessarily confirmed. "That means... it means that we commentate on the game, and then... and then people listen to us and they hear what we commentate."
"And that's OK!" Theismann exclaimed out of nowhere. "Matt is really fat and takes up the entire booth, but we're happy to broadcast our thoughts to all the drunks out there."
Now, Anderson is taking it one step further. Anderson has announced that there will be a symposium for all drunk NFL quarterbacks this Sunday. This, unfortunately, includes Patriots starting quarterback Anthony Morelli.
"Haha eh yo, I got mail in mail box haha uhh... and eh yo..." Morelli said. "Uhh... I open letter and wife read for me haha cuz word too big haha uhh... eh yo, then I learn I go invite to sypo... syposomething!"
Morelli wasn't the only Patriot who will be attending this symposium. Defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell also received an invitation.
"I tink I no drank alceeehol but dey say I drank alceeehol," Russell said. "Alceeehol yellow drank but I only drank purple drank, do you tink so?"
Emmitt said he's not pleased that he'll be missing his starting quarterback and defensive coordinator for the team's battle at Pittsburgh.
"When I play football in the National Conference, I never have receive mail in the mailbox for synonym," Emmitt said. "I always want to go to synonym but now we won't have our quarterback and coordination for the Steeler. And you know what Steeler mean. It mean a guy who steel somethin'. The Steeler, in a sentence, have stolened our quarterback and coordination."
Upon hearing Emmitt's concerns, Anderson was furious.
"That's fine," Anderson said. "That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. I take this s*** serious. Real serious. I put my heart and soul into this s***. Nothing's funny to me! Nothing!!!"
Joining Anderson, Morelli and Russell will be Kerry Collins and Joe Namath.
"I hope it'll only be white people there, argh!" Collins exclaimed.
Namath had no comment; he was busy sending pictures of his privates to various ESPN sideline reporters.
PATRIOTS SCORE AN AUTOMATIC VICTORY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 7, 2015
Anthony Morelli's absence was a non-factor, after all. The Patriots could have used a toddler as their quarterback and still prevailed over the Steelers. Pittsburgh forfeited before the two teams played a single down.
As the Steelers ran out of the locker room at Heinz Field, the officials blew their whistle and stopped everything.
"Personal foul, illegal eye glare on the defense, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when looking at the opposing team. That's a 15-yard penalty."
While the Patriots were befuddled, the Steelers were furious.
"Not this s*** again," exclaimed linebacker James Harrison, who was guilty of the previous "infraction."
This did not sit well with the referees.
"Personal foul, illegal shouting on the defense, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when shouting at us. That's a 15-yard penalty."
This only made the Pittsburgh sideline even angrier. Hines Ward threw his helmet. Ben Roethlisberger grabbed a random woman out of the stands and began making out with her. And Harrison tossed a Gatorade bottle. Upon seeing this, the officials blew everything dead again.
"Personal foul, illegal throwing of the Gatorade, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when throwing his Gatorade bottle. That's a 15-yard penalty."
At this point, the Steelers had enough. All the players stormed off into the locker room, except for Roethlisberger, who began accosting five other women.
"Personal foul, illegal walking back to the locker room, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when walking back into the locker room. That's a 15-yard penalty. In addition, No. 92 led with his helmet while his quarterback attacked several females. This additional 15-yard penalty will also be enforced."
The Patriots were awarded their 12th victory of the year. Emmitt was pleased to improve to 12-0, but was confused by what happened.
"Jerome Harrison have four consecutive penalty in a row, which is confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "In the game of footballness, sometime player have to leave with their helmet, and sometime player do not have to leave with their helmet, but I do not understand why it matter that Jerome Harrison leave with his helmet when throwin' the Gatorade bag."
Matt Millen and Joe Theismann, who broadcasted the game for the Drunk Football Network, had some interesting things to say.
"I understand why they called those penalties on Jammal Harrison," Millen said. "He led with his helmet when he did those things. And here's what I mean by leading with helmet. See that helmet? See it? He led with it. He moved the helmet forward first, so he led with it. That's why they called the penalty."
"Matt's exactly right," Theismann chimed in. "And not just because Matt's a fat pig. I talked to Dick LeBeau, defensive coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Dick told me that Adrian Harrison tends to lead with his helmet because he eats Strawberry Pop Tarts every morning. That's why Adrian Harrison leads with his helmet."
If that made no sense to you, you're obviously not intoxicated enough to enjoy the Drunk Football Network.
@DTG bortles was not "great" in 2015. he's the king of the garbage time stats. if he were "great", he'd have his team in at least a position to win most games. he's the reason why they usually are out of games ..
@anon walts love affair with seattle is no joke. Any time seattle loses jt was a fluke but he hates atl as much as he loves seattle. Any time atl wins its some excuse but when atl loses its becsuse he called it. Sad really. He must be a seattle fan and saints fan.