Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 13
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Dec. 4, 2015
Derek Anderson, who once played for the Cleveland Browns and Arizona Cardinals, is known for a drunken tirade he made following a humiliating loss to the San Francisco 49ers on Monday night five years ago.
While Anderson was heavily criticized for how he handled the post-game press conference, his rant was the best thing that could have possibly happened to him. After a year off from football, Anderson and several like-minded individuals founded the Drunk Football Network.
"Hey mannn, sometimmmes you gaa watch football and drank at the sammmme timmme," Anderson said. "Hic! Now evvvrryybody can drank and watch footballll like it wuzzz made taaa be."
Anderson went on to hire Bob Papa, Joe Theismann and Matt Millen as the TV broadcasters.
"We're pleased that Jammal Anderson hired us after the NFL Network fired us," Papa said.
Theismann and Millen both nodded in agreement.
"We are the color commentators of the Drunk Football Network," Millen unnecessarily confirmed. "That means... it means that we commentate on the game, and then... and then people listen to us and they hear what we commentate."
"And that's OK!" Theismann exclaimed out of nowhere. "Matt is really fat and takes up the entire booth, but we're happy to broadcast our thoughts to all the drunks out there."
Now, Anderson is taking it one step further. Anderson has announced that there will be a symposium for all drunk NFL quarterbacks this Sunday. This, unfortunately, includes Patriots starting quarterback Anthony Morelli.
"Haha eh yo, I got mail in mail box haha uhh... and eh yo..." Morelli said. "Uhh... I open letter and wife read for me haha cuz word too big haha uhh... eh yo, then I learn I go invite to sypo... syposomething!"
Morelli wasn't the only Patriot who will be attending this symposium. Defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell also received an invitation.
"I tink I no drank alceeehol but dey say I drank alceeehol," Russell said. "Alceeehol yellow drank but I only drank purple drank, do you tink so?"
Emmitt said he's not pleased that he'll be missing his starting quarterback and defensive coordinator for the team's battle at Pittsburgh.
"When I play football in the National Conference, I never have receive mail in the mailbox for synonym," Emmitt said. "I always want to go to synonym but now we won't have our quarterback and coordination for the Steeler. And you know what Steeler mean. It mean a guy who steel somethin'. The Steeler, in a sentence, have stolened our quarterback and coordination."
Upon hearing Emmitt's concerns, Anderson was furious.
"That's fine," Anderson said. "That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. I take this s*** serious. Real serious. I put my heart and soul into this s***. Nothing's funny to me! Nothing!!!"
Joining Anderson, Morelli and Russell will be Kerry Collins and Joe Namath.
"I hope it'll only be white people there, argh!" Collins exclaimed.
Namath had no comment; he was busy sending pictures of his privates to various ESPN sideline reporters.
PATRIOTS SCORE AN AUTOMATIC VICTORY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Dec. 7, 2015
Anthony Morelli's absence was a non-factor, after all. The Patriots could have used a toddler as their quarterback and still prevailed over the Steelers. Pittsburgh forfeited before the two teams played a single down.
As the Steelers ran out of the locker room at Heinz Field, the officials blew their whistle and stopped everything.
"Personal foul, illegal eye glare on the defense, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when looking at the opposing team. That's a 15-yard penalty."
While the Patriots were befuddled, the Steelers were furious.
"Not this s*** again," exclaimed linebacker James Harrison, who was guilty of the previous "infraction."
This did not sit well with the referees.
"Personal foul, illegal shouting on the defense, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when shouting at us. That's a 15-yard penalty."
This only made the Pittsburgh sideline even angrier. Hines Ward threw his helmet. Ben Roethlisberger grabbed a random woman out of the stands and began making out with her. And Harrison tossed a Gatorade bottle. Upon seeing this, the officials blew everything dead again.
"Personal foul, illegal throwing of the Gatorade, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when throwing his Gatorade bottle. That's a 15-yard penalty."
At this point, the Steelers had enough. All the players stormed off into the locker room, except for Roethlisberger, who began accosting five other women.
"Personal foul, illegal walking back to the locker room, No. 92," the official said. "The defender led with his helmet when walking back into the locker room. That's a 15-yard penalty. In addition, No. 92 led with his helmet while his quarterback attacked several females. This additional 15-yard penalty will also be enforced."
The Patriots were awarded their 12th victory of the year. Emmitt was pleased to improve to 12-0, but was confused by what happened.
"Jerome Harrison have four consecutive penalty in a row, which is confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "In the game of footballness, sometime player have to leave with their helmet, and sometime player do not have to leave with their helmet, but I do not understand why it matter that Jerome Harrison leave with his helmet when throwin' the Gatorade bag."
Matt Millen and Joe Theismann, who broadcasted the game for the Drunk Football Network, had some interesting things to say.
"I understand why they called those penalties on Jammal Harrison," Millen said. "He led with his helmet when he did those things. And here's what I mean by leading with helmet. See that helmet? See it? He led with it. He moved the helmet forward first, so he led with it. That's why they called the penalty."
"Matt's exactly right," Theismann chimed in. "And not just because Matt's a fat pig. I talked to Dick LeBeau, defensive coordinator of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Dick told me that Adrian Harrison tends to lead with his helmet because he eats Strawberry Pop Tarts every morning. That's why Adrian Harrison leads with his helmet."
If that made no sense to you, you're obviously not intoxicated enough to enjoy the Drunk Football Network.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
2015 NFL Mock Draft - June 10
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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