The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 16, 2017
Ryan Tannehill may not know where anything is, but he sure as hell gets results. Tannehill told Emmitt last Wednesday that they had to venture to Chicago to find a treasure trove of hamsters and mayonnaise used in the horrifying Bountygate II scandal.
"Ryan Tan... uhh... Tanhole say that we need to go to Chicago, which frequently call the City of the Wind because Dorothy got blowed away in the wind and then land in the magic land of Kansas," Emmitt said. "When he say these, I tolded Tanhole that we need to buy umbrella to protect us from the heavy winded."
Sure enough, Tannehill and Emmitt, as well as Eric Mangini and Shannon Sharpe, who decided to tag along, went to the umbrella store to purchase their "protection." From there, they traveled to Chicago. Well, sort of.
Tannehill, Emmitt, Mangini and Sharpe boarded a plan bound for a place beginning with a "Ch;" only they went to China.
"Derr... I dink Chicago and China were da same whened I look at dem on da map," Tannehill said, defending himself. However, all was not lost. Emmitt, Mangini and Sharpe all had a great time.
"I eated real Chinese food for the first time in the history of my lives," Emmitt said. "There are stores that say they has Chinese food in the United States of American, but these are not authentic because they in America, so they has to be consider American food; not Chinese food."
Emmitt actually made a great point for once. Mangini, meanwhile, may have found the second love of his life.
"I met this girl, and she was amazing," said a blushing Mangini. "She looked exactly like my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews, except she's Chinese. I know Erin's going to be mad at me, but there are some religions that allow you to have two wives. So, why can't I? I asked Asian Erin Andrews to marry me, but she hasn't responded to my texts just yet. I sent her only 37 texts in the past hour but she might have misplaced her phone like the real Erin Andrews does all the time."
Somehow, we don't think Mangini will be marrying Erin Andrews - American or Asian version - anytime soon. But at least Sharpe made actual friends.
It happened very naturally. Mangini and Sharpe walked into a Chinese McDonald's and approached the counter. When asked what they wanted to order, Sharpe quickly responded, "weguw udsv 3gubnsk n o4gb trapezoid iubv rbg rwbfdb krjbnd osh objng wrogh ro oe oblique triangle bnotibfo sdn sqgriurbfnklny bzcyu gfr."
Mangini shook his head and pushed Sharpe aside. "No Shannon, they don't have lobster bisque soup at McDonald's, and stop trying to talk. You know no one understands you except for me; not even Chinamen."
Oh how wrong he was. All of the Chinese people instantly got up and walked toward Sharpe, beaming at him as if he was a long-lost friend they hadn't seen for years.
"The regend come true!" shouted the McDonald's employee behind the counter. "I can't berieve it is actuarry happening. In Chinese scrorrs say a man who speak ancient Chinese tongue walk into store that serr cow meat one day, and he wirr read China back to prosperity!"
The Chinese people bowed. An incredulous Sharpe looked at his new loyal subjects in complete bewilderment.
"ef93h olrno rheonnfb oetbott noflnorbkjnb rnktnbr hwelnfo bntnbo circumcision lntbn,n iu k gwor oerh gow worh census bureau gorbbv bro 4grg kbd su g5hn eoboetnh lef9 qgrog t," Sharpe said.
"Yes, our devoted reader, we have seen a man come in here with his rovery wife, and they have a hamster and a mayonnaise," the McDonald's employee replied. "They order three cheeseburgers and two firret of fish, and then they say they have home in Chicago, the Shhity of the Wind."
Thanks to the people at McDonald's, Emmitt and his crew now know which plane to board in order to land in Chicago.
NEW LINK FOUND IN BOUNTYGATE II CASE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2017
It appears as though the people in the Chinese McDonald's knew about a link in the Bountygate II case all along.
Emmitt's crew, comprised of Ryan Tannehill, Shannon Sharpe, Eric Mangini, and yes, Asian Erin Andrews, touched down in Chicago on Tuesday afternoon.
"I love Chicago; it's one of my favorite places in the world," Mangini said to his almost new bride. "There's a great spot in a park here. It's a hill overlooking an apartment complex, and if you arrive just at the right time of night, you can take pictures of women undr... I mean... uhh... pictures of pretty butterflies and stuff."
Asian Erin Andrews squeezed her almost husband's hand firmly.
"I arready rove Chicago," Asian Erin Andrews said. "I forgot what you say rast time. When wirr I get my green card?"
"Just as I answered the other 18 times, soon my love," Mangini replied. "But first, I want you to meet my other girlfriend, American Erin Andrews, so hopefully you and she can both be my wives."
Meanwhile, Emmitt and Sharpe were confronted by an Asian man wearing sunglasses as they arrived at baggage claim.
"For our beroved reader," the man bowed, handing a piece of paper to Sharpe. He then threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.
Emmitt and Sharpe opened up the piece of paper and saw that an address was scribbled on it. They wasted no time grabbing their bags and driving their rental car to the location.
Upon arrival, Emmitt and his crew spotted a rather tall black man sprawled out on his front lawn. His eyes were bloodshot, his right ear was missing, and his left arm was gushing blood. He was so disfigured that it took us several minutes to realize who this was. It was none other than Bears' receiver Brandon Marshall.
"I... I tripped on a Chinese McDonald's bag," Marshall said, gasping for air. "I didn't see the Chinese McDonald's bag on the floor. It... it was all my fault. I should have watched where I was going. How clumsy of me."
Tannehill hastily took out his first-aid kit and treated Marshall's wounds. Overwhelmed by the compassion of his new friends, Marshall finally came clean.
"It was her all along - my wife," Marshall said. "She's the one who's always been hitting, stabbing, shooting, spraying, sawing, cutting, slicing, gashing, thrashing, bashing, whamming, punching, clobbering, smacking, thwacking, socking, walloping, slapping, spanking, striking, carving, severing, thumping, injuring, wounding, skewering, hurting, scarring, burning, freezing, electrocuting, drowning and beating me this whole time. Not the McDonald's bags. There were never any McDonald's bags. Well, there was this one time because she ordered me to take a trip to China, but it didn't cause any of this."
Emmitt wasted no time upon hearing Marshall's confession. He stormed into the house and found Marshall's wife stuffing hamsters and mayonnaise into a cardboard box.
"Miss Brandons, put down the animal hamster and animal mayonnaise this instance, or you will be under the rest," Emmitt said.
Marshall's wife didn't take too kindly to the threat. She picked up a chainsaw and charged Emmitt. Fortunately, the Chinese man from the airport appeared out of thin air and thrust his katana into the crazy woman's stomach. As she collapsed from her fatal wound, the man once again vanished.
"It very not fortune Miss Brandon die from gettin' shot from the sword," Emmitt said. "But we may have a walk in the right direction from a clue that we got from the Brandons house."
The clue Emmitt is referring to is a letter inside the cardboard box, reading, "To my fearless leader in Florida. May you destroy the NFL with these pet hamsters and jars of tasty mayonnaise."
So, we now know that the leader of Bountygate II is in Florida. And we also know that mayonnaise is indeed a food item. That's good because we were beginning to wonder if we were crazy in thinking that mayonnaise is not an animal.