Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 7
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Oct. 16, 2017
Ryan Tannehill may not know where anything is, but he sure as hell gets results. Tannehill told Emmitt last Wednesday that they had to venture to Chicago to find a treasure trove of hamsters and mayonnaise used in the horrifying Bountygate II scandal.
"Ryan Tan... uhh... Tanhole say that we need to go to Chicago, which frequently call the City of the Wind because Dorothy got blowed away in the wind and then land in the magic land of Kansas," Emmitt said. "When he say these, I tolded Tanhole that we need to buy umbrella to protect us from the heavy winded."
Sure enough, Tannehill and Emmitt, as well as Eric Mangini and Shannon Sharpe, who decided to tag along, went to the umbrella store to purchase their "protection." From there, they traveled to Chicago. Well, sort of.
Tannehill, Emmitt, Mangini and Sharpe boarded a plan bound for a place beginning with a "Ch;" only they went to China.
"Derr... I dink Chicago and China were da same whened I look at dem on da map," Tannehill said, defending himself. However, all was not lost. Emmitt, Mangini and Sharpe all had a great time.
"I eated real Chinese food for the first time in the history of my lives," Emmitt said. "There are stores that say they has Chinese food in the United States of American, but these are not authentic because they in America, so they has to be consider American food; not Chinese food."
Emmitt actually made a great point for once. Mangini, meanwhile, may have found the second love of his life.
"I met this girl, and she was amazing," said a blushing Mangini. "She looked exactly like my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews, except she's Chinese. I know Erin's going to be mad at me, but there are some religions that allow you to have two wives. So, why can't I? I asked Asian Erin Andrews to marry me, but she hasn't responded to my texts just yet. I sent her only 37 texts in the past hour but she might have misplaced her phone like the real Erin Andrews does all the time."
Somehow, we don't think Mangini will be marrying Erin Andrews - American or Asian version - anytime soon. But at least Sharpe made actual friends.
It happened very naturally. Mangini and Sharpe walked into a Chinese McDonald's and approached the counter. When asked what they wanted to order, Sharpe quickly responded, "weguw udsv 3gubnsk n o4gb trapezoid iubv rbg rwbfdb krjbnd osh objng wrogh ro oe oblique triangle bnotibfo sdn sqgriurbfnklny bzcyu gfr."
Mangini shook his head and pushed Sharpe aside. "No Shannon, they don't have lobster bisque soup at McDonald's, and stop trying to talk. You know no one understands you except for me; not even Chinamen."
Oh how wrong he was. All of the Chinese people instantly got up and walked toward Sharpe, beaming at him as if he was a long-lost friend they hadn't seen for years.
"The regend come true!" shouted the McDonald's employee behind the counter. "I can't berieve it is actuarry happening. In Chinese scrorrs say a man who speak ancient Chinese tongue walk into store that serr cow meat one day, and he wirr read China back to prosperity!"
The Chinese people bowed. An incredulous Sharpe looked at his new loyal subjects in complete bewilderment.
"ef93h olrno rheonnfb oetbott noflnorbkjnb rnktnbr hwelnfo bntnbo circumcision lntbn,n iu k gwor oerh gow worh census bureau gorbbv bro 4grg kbd su g5hn eoboetnh lef9 qgrog t," Sharpe said.
"Yes, our devoted reader, we have seen a man come in here with his rovery wife, and they have a hamster and a mayonnaise," the McDonald's employee replied. "They order three cheeseburgers and two firret of fish, and then they say they have home in Chicago, the Shhity of the Wind."
Thanks to the people at McDonald's, Emmitt and his crew now know which plane to board in order to land in Chicago.
NEW LINK FOUND IN BOUNTYGATE II CASE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2017
It appears as though the people in the Chinese McDonald's knew about a link in the Bountygate II case all along.
Emmitt's crew, comprised of Ryan Tannehill, Shannon Sharpe, Eric Mangini, and yes, Asian Erin Andrews, touched down in Chicago on Tuesday afternoon.
"I love Chicago; it's one of my favorite places in the world," Mangini said to his almost new bride. "There's a great spot in a park here. It's a hill overlooking an apartment complex, and if you arrive just at the right time of night, you can take pictures of women undr... I mean... uhh... pictures of pretty butterflies and stuff."
Asian Erin Andrews squeezed her almost husband's hand firmly.
"I arready rove Chicago," Asian Erin Andrews said. "I forgot what you say rast time. When wirr I get my green card?"
"Just as I answered the other 18 times, soon my love," Mangini replied. "But first, I want you to meet my other girlfriend, American Erin Andrews, so hopefully you and she can both be my wives."
Meanwhile, Emmitt and Sharpe were confronted by an Asian man wearing sunglasses as they arrived at baggage claim.
"For our beroved reader," the man bowed, handing a piece of paper to Sharpe. He then threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.
Emmitt and Sharpe opened up the piece of paper and saw that an address was scribbled on it. They wasted no time grabbing their bags and driving their rental car to the location.
Upon arrival, Emmitt and his crew spotted a rather tall black man sprawled out on his front lawn. His eyes were bloodshot, his right ear was missing, and his left arm was gushing blood. He was so disfigured that it took us several minutes to realize who this was. It was none other than Bears' receiver Brandon Marshall.
"I... I tripped on a Chinese McDonald's bag," Marshall said, gasping for air. "I didn't see the Chinese McDonald's bag on the floor. It... it was all my fault. I should have watched where I was going. How clumsy of me."
Tannehill hastily took out his first-aid kit and treated Marshall's wounds. Overwhelmed by the compassion of his new friends, Marshall finally came clean.
"It was her all along - my wife," Marshall said. "She's the one who's always been hitting, stabbing, shooting, spraying, sawing, cutting, slicing, gashing, thrashing, bashing, whamming, punching, clobbering, smacking, thwacking, socking, walloping, slapping, spanking, striking, carving, severing, thumping, injuring, wounding, skewering, hurting, scarring, burning, freezing, electrocuting, drowning and beating me this whole time. Not the McDonald's bags. There were never any McDonald's bags. Well, there was this one time because she ordered me to take a trip to China, but it didn't cause any of this."
Emmitt wasted no time upon hearing Marshall's confession. He stormed into the house and found Marshall's wife stuffing hamsters and mayonnaise into a cardboard box.
"Miss Brandons, put down the animal hamster and animal mayonnaise this instance, or you will be under the rest," Emmitt said.
Marshall's wife didn't take too kindly to the threat. She picked up a chainsaw and charged Emmitt. Fortunately, the Chinese man from the airport appeared out of thin air and thrust his katana into the crazy woman's stomach. As she collapsed from her fatal wound, the man once again vanished.
"It very not fortune Miss Brandon die from gettin' shot from the sword," Emmitt said. "But we may have a walk in the right direction from a clue that we got from the Brandons house."
The clue Emmitt is referring to is a letter inside the cardboard box, reading, "To my fearless leader in Florida. May you destroy the NFL with these pet hamsters and jars of tasty mayonnaise."
So, we now know that the leader of Bountygate II is in Florida. And we also know that mayonnaise is indeed a food item. That's good because we were beginning to wonder if we were crazy in thinking that mayonnaise is not an animal.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
NFL Picks - Dec. 9
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 7
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 6
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
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