The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
What Norv Turner's turkey neck couldn't bring itself to say was that a giant goose was perched on real Emmitt's shoulder, gazing at real Emmitt's enemies menacingly.
"How- how is this possible?" Billy Crystal's turkey neck asked.
"A goose in the evil realm!?" George Clooney's turkey neck screamed.
"I don't understand! I thought they were all extinct long ago!" George W. Bush's turkey neck yelped.
The turkey necks were stunned, unaware of what to do. They all gazed at real Emmitt and his goose, silence following the initial reactions. Real Emmitt, on the other hand, knew the exact word to say.
"Debaclation!" real Emmitt ordered the goose.
The goose looked at real Emmitt and seemed to understand what was commanded of it. Seconds later, it soared into the air.
"Where did it go!?" Wade Phillips' turkey neck asked. "We can't look up because of the damn chins, so we have no idea where the hell it is!"
Sure enough, all of the turkey necks were at a disadvantage, especially when the goose flew toward each turkey neck and pecked it to the death. First, George Clooney's turkey neck fell to its demise.
"No, not George Clooney's turkey neck!" Dustin Hoffman's turkey neck cried. "We were supposed to have an overly expensive lunch tomorrow and discuss how we're better than everyone else because we care more about the unfortunate despite not really doing anything to help them!"
Dustin Hoffman's turkey neck didn't have much else to say, as it was the goose's next victim. One by one, the turkey necks fell to their demise. Some tried running, but to no avail. They couldn't see where the goose was headed because of their inability to look up. Some hilariously ran right into the goose's beak.
Suddenly, the only turkey neck who was left was Norv Turner's.
"Do you expect me to beg!?" Norv Turner's turkey neck hissed. "Fat chance! I promise you this, Emmitt, you will never defeat the evil version of yourself. He knows your exact moves, so he is invincible to you. I may fall, but you will die when you face your dark self again!"
"Debaclation!" real Emmitt shouted once more.
The goose blazed past real Emmitt and thrust its beak into Norv Turner's turkey neck. Blood, guts and puss spilled out of it, with numerous orifices exploding open at the same time. Norv Turner's turkey neck collapsed.
Real Emmitt walked over to the cages to free his friends, just as the satisfied goose flew toward him and landed on his shoulder once again.
"Father of geese!" the striped leopard and the single ranger shouted in unison. They bent the knee together.
Peyton Manning appeared as though he was about to recite one of his advertisements, but understanding the gravity of the situation, he knelt as well.
EVIL EMMITT'S PLOT TO OBTAIN THE THIRD GOLDEN SPHERE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 23, 2020
This was going to be more difficult than Evil Emmitt realized. Obtaining the first two golden spheres was simple. All he had to do was convince Ezekiel Elliott and Dante Fowler to murder two stars from the 90s and then take their life energy to Jerry Jones and Urban Meyer, respectively, so the two forces would combine.
Michael Vick, however, was another story. Having him murder Screech from Saved by the Bell was simple enough, especially when Vick saw Screech's hideous afro and realized that he desperately needed a haircut. Combining the life energy with Screech's golden sphere and the next target was a difficult matter, however.
"But he's my friend," Vick pleaded. "He gave me a chance when no one did, and then he hired me again after retirement. I can't do him like that."
"This your chanced for revengeness, though," Evil Emmitt said, placing his hand on Vick's shoulder. "If my mission are completion, everybody whom ever say anything bad about you will die horrible death. Aren't this what you been hopinged for the entirement time?"
"Sure, but Coach Reid is the one person who had my back the entire way," Vick replied. "There's no way I can suck out his life energy with this golden sphere."
"Well, since you're here anyway, go inside him's office and talk to your old friendly," Evil Emmitt said. "If you decide not to suck the lifesaver out of Andy Tree I not going to be mad on yourselfs, I promise."
Vick nodded and entered Reid's office. Reid looked surprised to see him.
"Uhh... hem, hem... uhh... umm... hem, hem... uhh... umm... time's yours," Reid said.
"Thanks for asking Coach, the barber shop is going well," Vick responded. "I've cut lots of afros, and I've been making the world a better place as a result."
"Hem, hem... uhh... hem, hem... umm... hem, hem..." Reid replied.
"Thanks Coach, but you know what? I was just talking to someone recently, and they made me realize all that you did for me after I got into trouble the first time," Vick said. "You were always there for me. You made me your quarterback. Then, when I was done playing, you allowed me to be an assistant coach for you in Kansas City. You made me Coach of Coloring Books and told me to color in a different page every day. It was an honor, and I learned so much."
"Uhh... umm... hem, hem... time's yours... hem, hem... uhh... time's yours... hem, hem..." Reid said.
"That's awfully nice of you to say, Coach, but I'm sure there have been others who have colored inside the lines better than I have," Vick beamed.
Vick and Reid were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't notice Evil Emmitt enter the office. Evil Emmitt snuck behind Reid's desk and placed some sort of dog ears on Reid's head. Whether they were real or fake remains to be seen, but we wouldn't have put it past Evil Emmitt to slaughter an innocent dog for this. Vick, unfortunately, reacted to the dog ears before he realized what he was about to do.
"A dog draws near!" Vick shrieked. "Clearly a hound from hell to achieve revenge for my previous wrongdoings! I'll use this golden sphere on this hellhound instead of you, Coach!"
Vick launched the sphere at Reid, believing he was a Satanic dog. Reid's life energy drained quickly, and he soon vanished. It was then that Vick realized what he had done.
"No, Coach, no!" Vick cried. "Why did you have to wear fake dog ears!? Why!?"
Evil Emmitt walked toward Vick and consoled him.
"Do not worry, everybody make a mist steak," Evil Emmitt said smoothly. "Now you can get your revengefulness against everybody who do you wrongly."