The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Saturday, Nov. 30, 2013
Tens of thousands of onlookers gathered at the first ever Patriots-49ers Cheeseburger Eating Contest at Dharma Initiative Ranch Dressing Park, formerly known as Monster Park and Candlestick, in San Francisco.
The event, which will raise money to find a cure for child obesity, was formulated by Patriots offensive coordinator Romeo Crennel and 49ers head coach Andy Reid. Unfortunately for the players, including San Francisco running back LenDale White, only the coaches of each squad will be allowed to participate.
"It's not fair, man," barked White, who told reporters that he spent his entire life preparing for this. "Why am I not allowed to play? I love cheeseburgers and cheeseburgers love me. I'm gonna go to this event, but I'm not even going to pay attention to it."
Besides White, who lost some weight and now stands at 420 pounds, everyone else was excited for the contest.
"Oh boy, I'm famished," Brad Childress exclaimed an hour before the event. "I designed a method of how I'm going to eat these cheeseburgers. First, I'm going to pick them up with my left hand, even though I'm right-handed. I think this is smart because everyone will be expecting me to pick them up with my right hand. Then, instead of putting them in my mouth, I'm going to place them on my head. That will shock everyone. And after that, I'm going to cut the burgers into little pieces. But not with a fork and knife - I'm going to use a spoon. No one will see that coming."
The cheeseburgers were provided by Wendy's, of course.
"We were really glad to be the official sponsors of this contest," said Wendy's spokesperson Rosie O'Donnell. "Of course, who else would do it? We wiped McDonald's and Burger King off the map, thanks to our advertising campaign on WalterFootball.com. We should have put even more money into that campaign so we could have crushed our competition even earlier."
Once the contest started, it was clear that it was a two-walrus race. After taking one bite, Childress declared that he was full. Emmitt ate four burgers. Meanwhile, after 55 minutes, Crennel devoured 5,683 cheeseburgers, trailing Reid by 15.
However, once Reid saw that the competition was close with a few minutes to go, things took a turn for the worse. Reid took a bite of a burger, but began choking. After someone applied the Heimlick maneuver to Reid, the former Eagles head coach took another bite, but started choking again.
After this, Reid became dazed and stared at the crowd with a confused expression on his face. Thirty-five seconds later, he whistled for a timeout, but was notified that there were no timeouts in this competition. Reid then challenged this ruling, but was denied because challenges are not allowed in the final two minutes. Reid spent the final 120 seconds gazing blankly at his napkin.
Crennel edged Reid, 5,699 to 5,698.
"Uhh... Hem, hem... Umm... I need to do a better job of eating cheeseburgers," Reid said after the competition. "Uhh... I need to put myself in better position. Time's yours."
Hopefully for 49ers fans, Reid's meltdown isn't an indication of things to come against the Patriots on Sunday.
REID PULLS CONTROVERSIAL MOVE IN PATS WIN
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Dec. 2, 2013
Andy Reid was chased out of Philadelphia after the 2008 season for a number of reasons. It's pretty difficult to list them all, but they included terrible clock management, predictable play-calling, rude press conferences where he disrespected the media and fans, and questionable offseason acquisitions and draft picks.
If the reaction of the 49ers fans was any indication, it appears as though Reid has worn out his welcome in San Francisco as well.
The booing began after the first play of the game. Matt Stafford, who had 2,755 yards, 17 touchdowns and just eight picks going into this contest, fired incomplete on his first pass. Reid decided to insert newly signed Ty Detmer at quarterback. However, Stafford wasn't notified to come off the field, so the 49ers were whistled for having 12 men in the huddle.
After this penalty, Stafford approached Reid on the sidelines, and asked why he was quickly yanked. Reid, who stared at his play sheet instead of looking at his star quarterback, told Stafford that he sent him a message via carrier pigeon, and clearly the pigeon hadn't arrived.
Reid denied eating the pigeon in his post-game press conference, but admitted he wasn't completely sure. It didn't help his case that he coughed up a couple of gray feathers after that question. Reid then discussed the reasoning behind the Stafford benching.
"Uhh... sometimes you have to move half an inch backward, umm, to, uhh, go three-quarters of an inch forward," Reid said.
Detmer, who has been out of the league since 2005, played exactly like that, tossing pick-sixes left and right. Of course, it didn't help that he had no snaps with the first team the entire season. Also, Reid was to blame, as he continuously called for long throws on almost every down - even key third-and-ones.
"Hem, hem, I have to, uhh, do a better job of putting Ty in, umm, better situations and, uhh, I have to, uhh, do a better job calling plays," Reid said.
Detmer launched eight interceptions returned for touchdowns in the first half. The Patriots led 56-0 without even touching the ball on offense.
When Detmer wasn't tossing picks, Reid was challenging plays that weren't reviewable. He also called timeouts on the first, second and third plays of each half, and was forced to take 5-yard penalties on numerous other downs because he forgot that he didn't have any timeouts in reserve. And if that wasn't enough, the 49ers were whistled for a dozen delay-of-game penalties in the no-huddle offense.
"I does... do... does not believe what I has seen," Emmitt said. "We did not even touched the ball on offense! I do not believe these are fair. But I am happy to win this game against the San Francisco Giants."
The 49ers - not the Giants - now stand at 4-4-4. It would have been crazy to think this at the beginning of the year, but 49ers fans would probably prefer to have Emmitt as their head coach instead of Reid.