2013: Emmitt on the Brink - Week 13
2013: Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Saturday, Nov. 30, 2013
Tens of thousands of onlookers gathered at the first ever Patriots-49ers Cheeseburger Eating Contest at Dharma Initiative Ranch Dressing Park, formerly known as Monster Park and Candlestick, in San Francisco.
The event, which will raise money to find a cure for child obesity, was formulated by Patriots offensive coordinator Romeo Crennel and 49ers head coach Andy Reid. Unfortunately for the players, including San Francisco running back LenDale White, only the coaches of each squad will be allowed to participate.
"It's not fair, man," barked White, who told reporters that he spent his entire life preparing for this. "Why am I not allowed to play? I love cheeseburgers and cheeseburgers love me. I'm gonna go to this event, but I'm not even going to pay attention to it."
Besides White, who lost some weight and now stands at 420 pounds, everyone else was excited for the contest.
"Oh boy, I'm famished," Brad Childress exclaimed an hour before the event. "I designed a method of how I'm going to eat these cheeseburgers. First, I'm going to pick them up with my left hand, even though I'm right-handed. I think this is smart because everyone will be expecting me to pick them up with my right hand. Then, instead of putting them in my mouth, I'm going to place them on my head. That will shock everyone. And after that, I'm going to cut the burgers into little pieces. But not with a fork and knife - I'm going to use a spoon. No one will see that coming."
The cheeseburgers were provided by Wendy's, of course.
"We were really glad to be the official sponsors of this contest," said Wendy's spokesperson Rosie O'Donnell. "Of course, who else would do it? We wiped McDonald's and Burger King off the map, thanks to our advertising campaign on WalterFootball.com. We should have put even more money into that campaign so we could have crushed our competition even earlier."
Once the contest started, it was clear that it was a two-walrus race. After taking one bite, Childress declared that he was full. Emmitt ate four burgers. Meanwhile, after 55 minutes, Crennel devoured 5,683 cheeseburgers, trailing Reid by 15.
However, once Reid saw that the competition was close with a few minutes to go, things took a turn for the worse. Reid took a bite of a burger, but began choking. After someone applied the Heimlick maneuver to Reid, the former Eagles head coach took another bite, but started choking again.
After this, Reid became dazed and stared at the crowd with a confused expression on his face. Thirty-five seconds later, he whistled for a timeout, but was notified that there were no timeouts in this competition. Reid then challenged this ruling, but was denied because challenges are not allowed in the final two minutes. Reid spent the final 120 seconds gazing blankly at his napkin.
Crennel edged Reid, 5,699 to 5,698.
"Uhh... Hem, hem... Umm... I need to do a better job of eating cheeseburgers," Reid said after the competition. "Uhh... I need to put myself in better position. Time's yours."
Hopefully for 49ers fans, Reid's meltdown isn't an indication of things to come against the Patriots on Sunday.
REID PULLS CONTROVERSIAL MOVE IN PATS WIN
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Dec. 2, 2013
Andy Reid was chased out of Philadelphia after the 2008 season for a number of reasons. It's pretty difficult to list them all, but they included terrible clock management, predictable play-calling, rude press conferences where he disrespected the media and fans, and questionable offseason acquisitions and draft picks.
If the reaction of the 49ers fans was any indication, it appears as though Reid has worn out his welcome in San Francisco as well.
The booing began after the first play of the game. Matt Stafford, who had 2,755 yards, 17 touchdowns and just eight picks going into this contest, fired incomplete on his first pass. Reid decided to insert newly signed Ty Detmer at quarterback. However, Stafford wasn't notified to come off the field, so the 49ers were whistled for having 12 men in the huddle.
After this penalty, Stafford approached Reid on the sidelines, and asked why he was quickly yanked. Reid, who stared at his play sheet instead of looking at his star quarterback, told Stafford that he sent him a message via carrier pigeon, and clearly the pigeon hadn't arrived.
Reid denied eating the pigeon in his post-game press conference, but admitted he wasn't completely sure. It didn't help his case that he coughed up a couple of gray feathers after that question. Reid then discussed the reasoning behind the Stafford benching.
"Uhh... sometimes you have to move half an inch backward, umm, to, uhh, go three-quarters of an inch forward," Reid said.
Detmer, who has been out of the league since 2005, played exactly like that, tossing pick-sixes left and right. Of course, it didn't help that he had no snaps with the first team the entire season. Also, Reid was to blame, as he continuously called for long throws on almost every down - even key third-and-ones.
"Hem, hem, I have to, uhh, do a better job of putting Ty in, umm, better situations and, uhh, I have to, uhh, do a better job calling plays," Reid said.
Detmer launched eight interceptions returned for touchdowns in the first half. The Patriots led 56-0 without even touching the ball on offense.
When Detmer wasn't tossing picks, Reid was challenging plays that weren't reviewable. He also called timeouts on the first, second and third plays of each half, and was forced to take 5-yard penalties on numerous other downs because he forgot that he didn't have any timeouts in reserve. And if that wasn't enough, the 49ers were whistled for a dozen delay-of-game penalties in the no-huddle offense.
"I does... do... does not believe what I has seen," Emmitt said. "We did not even touched the ball on offense! I do not believe these are fair. But I am happy to win this game against the San Francisco Giants."
The 49ers - not the Giants - now stand at 4-4-4. It would have been crazy to think this at the beginning of the year, but 49ers fans would probably prefer to have Emmitt as their head coach instead of Reid.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBERíS POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Emmitt Smith's Quotes
Emmitt Smith's 2008 NFL Mock Draft
2009 NFL Mock Draft
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