The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Nov. 13, 2014
You wouldn't think that a 9-0 NFL team would need some sort of competitive advantage over a 1-8 squad, but that is why Emmitt is one of the best coaches in the league.
"You can never take anything for grantive," Emmitt said. "Not even against a team that have lossed all of its games this week except for one of them."
The Patriots hired JaMarcus Russell on Wednesday to be their water boy. Russell, a former No. 1 overall pick, played in Oakland the first few years before wasting away in Cleveland the past two seasons. Apparently, Emmitt believed that Russell's knowledge of the Browns' schemes will help him earn a 10th victory this season.
"The NFL have so much parity inside that every team need a competitive advantagement," Emmitt said. "Now that we hire JaMarcus... uhh... JaMarcus... the big guy I forget his last name, we have a big competitive advantagement. It is so big, you do not even understand how big it is."
Russell - we believe that is in fact his last name - seemed happy to be employed once again.
"Tings were going good at the end of... career in Oakland and... uhh... Cleveland..." Russell said. "It was not my fault we lost so many games... I played good... My teammates made some mistakes... Do you tink so?"
We weren't sure how to answer that, and quite frankly we probably didn't even need to, as Russell stared at us with a vacant grin with drool coming out of his mouth.
We did, however, follow Russell home. At the NFL Bible Network, we do investigative reporting. If we find something interesting, we'll let you know. And if we don't, we'll make something up. But this, my friends, is very real.
When Russell arrived at his chateau, he reached for his keys but fumbled them. As he reached down to pick them up, a man emerged from the shadows. It was none other than Todd Haley, head coach of the Cleveland Browns.
"JaMarcus, did you infiltrate Patriots headquarters?" Haley asked.
"Uhh... I tink I got hired to give water... Interview did good at the end... Do you tink so?" Russell replied.
"Sounds like you did a good job," Haley responded with a smirk. "Now, JaMarcus, this is very important. There is a bomb in your earring. Once you get close to Emmitt, I will detonate it. Keep it in your ear at all times."
Russell, looking a bit confused, nodded. Haley then crept back into the shadows.
I would tell Emmitt about this, but he already told me that he "do not believes in me." I don't know why. I'm A-Rod, and I've always spoken the truth.
TODD HALEY'S PLAN BACKFIRES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Nov. 16, 2014
Todd Haley had the perfect game plan, yet it backfired because JaMarcus Russell failed to execute it. Where have we heard that one before?
Haley met with Russell before the game in one of the tunnels under Gillette Stadium.
"JaMarcus, remember, you must get close to Emmitt," Haley said. "I hate good running backs more than anything! That's why I was so hesitant to use Jamaal Charles that one year. Good running backs must be eliminated."
Russell didn't seem to pay attention to Haley.
"Hey... do you tink I will have a chance to play quarterback today... it might happen maybe... do you tink so?" Russell asked.
"Shut up, you idiot!" Haley barked. "Just get close to Emmitt!"
Haley stormed away, but Russell just stood there in shock. Being called an idiot hit a little too close to home. He ate some Skittles to console himself.
An hour later, the Patriots kicked off to the Browns. On Cleveland's first possession, Brady Quinn tossed a quick pick-six. A drive later, Derek Anderson launched another interception for a touchdown. The Patriots didn't even touch the ball yet, and it was 14-0. Despite all of this, Haley looked pleased.
Meanwhile, Russell finished replenishing the Gatorade buckets, so he had time to think for a second. Suddenly, he said to himself, "Emmitt is so nice to me and Todd Haley is a**hole. I gonna double-crossed Haley... Do I tink so?"
Apparently Russell thought so. Carefully keeping his distance from Emmitt, Russell shouted, "Todd Haley set up us the bomb! You have no chance to survive make your time!"
Russell took the earring off, but fumbled it. He picked it up off the ground, and fumbled it again. He finally grasped it firmly and heaved it toward Haley.
Russell then walked toward Emmitt. Seeing this, Haley pushed the detonation button. Fortunately for him, the earring-bomb went off 10 yards behind him because Russell overthrew his target. Haley walked away with slight burns and a concussion.
Emmitt praised Russell's valor.
"JaMarcus Anderson have a lot of bravery and many self-confident to make that decision," Emmitt said. "If he had not tolded me that Todd Haley set me up the bomb, it would have been curtain for me."
Russell smiled when he heard of Emmitt's approval.
"This is the first time a coach say I have done a good job... if I did a bad job, it was my teammate's fault... but I did a good job... so it is my fault... do you tink so?"
@Wesley C everyone hates Mike Mularkey and states he isn't a head coach, reminds people of his failed stints in Buffalo and Jacksonville but starting QB's were Blaine Gabbert and J.P Losman not to mention those squads were just absymal. He finally has a playoff unit and I believe he's doing a decent job compared to his predecessors. Give the man a chance same goes for Tennessee. This team is a top ten unit if they can avoid injuries to key players.