The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
EMMITT SETS HIS SIGHTS ON THE MAGICAL FOREST AMID DISTRACTIONS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
It was an eventful, but unknown period of time for real Emmitt in Turkey Neck Town. It's unclear how much time passes by in the dark realm, so it could've been years, weeks, days, or just mere seconds. Real Emmitt, however, was heavily preoccupied following the defeat of Norv Turner's turkey neck and all of its turkey-neck followers.
To the surprise of everyone, Norv Turner's turkey neck kept thousands of slaves locked up in the cellars of the Turkey Neck Town houses. Real Emmitt freed these slaves, and they repaid him by chanting "mister!" in their foreign language and then carrying him around.
"This gonna anger the slave traitors," real Emmitt predicted, and he was right. The organization who trait slaves soon tried to defeat the Father of Geese. They were so angry about not being able to assign traits to slaves that they tried to cause utter mayhem in Turkey Neck Town. They donned odd masks and were able to take down some of real Emmitt's soldier slaves, who were trained in combat from birth. Even the best fighter in the history of Western American fell. How these masked, untrained fighters were able to do this was beyond everyone's comprehension.
"This nonsensical plot line is brought to you by irritable bowel syndrome," Peyton Manning said. "Irritable bowel syndrome, a condition involving recurrent abdominal pain and diarrhea or constipation, often associated with stress, depression, anxiety, or previous intestinal infection."
"Shut up, Peyton," the striped leopard said. "Emmitt, why don't you marry one of the slave traitors? That will surely stop them from hating you."
Real Emmitt followed that advice and welcomed suitors. A large man claimed to be the richest man in all of Mistissippi, but upon inspecting his vaults, real Emmitt's companions realized that they were empty the whole time. How this charlatan was able to afford anything is beyond our comprehension.
It was ultimately decided that Real Emmitt would marry and weird-looking man with an ugly afro. Real Emmitt and this individual sat next to each other in the fighting pit, and all seemed to be going well until a familiar-looking dog attacked real Emmitt's betrothed, killing him in the process.
"Oops, sorry guys, that was a mistake, my fault, I should've let him know that he wasn't a bad guy, or anything, but maybe he was, how the hell should I know," Eli Manning said, rejoining the group.
"Thanks for letting me know that you were aware of where Brett Favre was the entire time, I went back to my home to look for my brother Peyton, and he wasn't there, so I looked everywhere, I looked upstairs, I looked downstairs, I looked in the attic, I looked in the basement, I looked in my secret slave storage closet, I looked in the woods, I looked in the lake, I looked in the bottom of the lake, I even drained it, maybe Peyton was there, not that I'd care if he was dead, or anything, I just wanted to confirm it, and it would be the best news ever, except for the fact that he knew where Favre was, and I still didn't know, but maybe he kept it in his secret diary or something, which I would then search for instead of him upon learning the news of his demise."
Eli would've continued, but the aforementioned men in masks were angry that one of their slave traitor brothers was murdered. They attacked real Emmitt, who managed to escape on his goose, abandoning his friends. He landed in a field, but was soon surrounded by horse people, who planned to enslave him. He talked his way out of it, however, and returned to Turkey Neck Town in short order.
"Emmitt, why are you wasting your time with this?" the single ranger asked. "Wasn't your entire plan to return home? Why don't we just do that by going to the magical forest and claiming the Sword of Legendary Sword?"
"You right, I forgetted," real Emmitt said. "Let us goes to the magic florist."
EMMITT IS TESTED TO OBTAIN THE SWORD OF LEGENDARY SWORD
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
It didn't take long for real Emmitt and his four companions to reach the magical forest, and this was possible because of a wagon they found in Turkey Neck Town. Traveling with five people would have been utterly impossible if it wasn't for the wagon, so it was very fortunate that they were able to obtain one. Peyton Manning sat in the wagon by himself, as it was decided that he was the most annoying one of the group.
Real Emmitt called the magical forest the "magic florist," and once again, he turned out to be on point with his description. While the striped leopard, single ranger and Eli Manning expected there to be lots of trees, there was only one, and it was very small. There were lots of pretty flowers instead, as well as an odd man wearing a strange green outfit.
"Welcome to the magical florist!" he beamed, clasping his hands. "Oh boy, lucky, lucky, the dark magic has begone from this magical place, and I have customers again! Kooloo Limpah!"
"We're not looking for flowers, weirdo," the striped leopard snarled.
"What my fenonion friend trying to said is that we looking for the Sword of Legendary Sword," real Emmitt said, trying to prevent things from escalating. "Does you know where we can found him?"
"Lucky, lucky, I just have the thing for you!" the green man sang. "Buy one of my maps, and it will lead you to what you are searching for! Just 140 gems! Kooloo Limpah!"
Real Emmitt reluctantly forked over 140 gems, which is the exact number Norv Turner's turkey neck had in its vault.
"Kooloo Limpah! Thanks for buying my map, now my dad won't be on my case so much!" the green man sang. "Lucky, lucky, I marked the location of the sword you're looking for on the map! Kooloo Limpah!"
Real Emmitt and his friends looked at the map, and were instantly furious when they saw that they were standing at the exact location of the Sword of Legendary Sword.
"What the hell!?" the single ranger growled. "Give us back the 140 gems!"
Before they could pounce on the green man, he twirled around and vanished. A booming voice startled them.
"Emmitt, you have finally arrived," it said. "Thank you for getting rid of that annoying fairy. I was hiding the Sword of Legendary Sword until he left. Now, you will be tested to see if you can wield the blade."
The four realized that the voice came from the lone tree in the magical forest, which, upon further inspection, was merely just a grapevine.
"Emmitt, the Sword of Legendary Sword is right there, on that pedestal," the grapevine said. "Master using it, and you may have this."
"That makes no sense," the striped leopard replied. "How can he master using it if he doesn't have it?"
"What I mean is, Emmitt needs the proper requirements to pull the Sword of Legendary Sword from the pedestal," the grapevine said. "He'll need 13 hearts. To obtain those hearts, he'll need to go to various shrines across the dark realm. If he solves the puzzle in the shrine, he'll receive a token. If he has four tokens, he can go to a statue and pray, and he'll be rewarded with a heart. If he does this 52 times, he'll have the appropriate amount of hearts, since 13 times four is 52.
"I won't tell you where the shrines are either," the grapevine continued. "I'll give you this tablet that will ring when you're near a shrine, but don't expect it to be very reliable. Some of the shrines will be hidden. For example, in a clearing, you'll have to ride a deer to a metallic circle to unearth a shrine. In a bay, you'll need to ride the wind with your paraglider over a similar metallic circle to make a shrine appear. Searching for these 52 shrines will be difficult, I assure you, but this is something you'll need to do to obtain 13 hearts."
Real Emmitt slapped his forehead.
"Mr. Bush, I do not have times for these," real Emmitt pleaded. "Can you just gived me the Sword of Legendary Sword and then I gived it back to you? It could be like a place where a people can borrow a books, and then he gived the books back when he done readin'. This place have not beened inventioned yet but it are a great idea I have."
"Sorry, Emmitt, but rules are rules," the grapevine said. "You'll need 13 hearts, and that is that."
"Here, Emmitt, take my 13 hearts," Eli Manning said, revealing his deck of cards. "I have the 2 of hearts, the 3 of hearts, the 4 of hearts, the 5 of hearts, the 6 of hearts, the 7 of hearts, the 8 of hearts, the 9 of hearts, the 10 of hearts, the jack of hearts, the queen of hearts, the king of hearts, and the ace of hearts. That's 13 hearts right there, 2 is one, 3 is two, 4 is three, 5 is four, 6 is five, 7 is six, 8 is seven, 9 is eight, 10 is nine, jack is 10, queen is 11, king is 12, ace is 13, that's 13 hearts right there, my deck won't be complete anymore, but I don't feel like going through 52 shrines, that just seems ridiculous, like something my idiot brother would do, haha yeah I'm saying that right now behind his back but I'd also say it to this face!"
Real Emmitt placed the 13 hearts on the pedestal.
"I- I- uh- ugh, well, I suppose that will suffice," the grapevine relented. "You may take the sword."
Real Emmitt grabbed the sword and pulled it. He didn't think he could retrieve it at first, but he used all of his strength to pull it out of the pedestal. A white light shot into the sky, and real Emmitt raised the sword over his head.