The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 19, 2017
We were witness to some of the worst NFL officiating of all time last week when referee Don King continuously bungled calls in the matchup between the Colts and the Seahawks. This week, we saw some of the most pathetic officiating in league history - and it may have inadvertently exposed one of the major culprits in the Bountygate II scandal.
Official Jerry Frump is a coward. We know that much. We all saw how frightened he was when someone casually tossed him the football back in a 2012 exhibition battle between New England and Philadelphia. Frump cowered in fear, prompting many to make jokes at his expense.
When Frump was invited back as a replacement official this season, many were concerned that he would soil his underwear upon being handed the football at some point during a game. Frump eased those worries in a press conference a couple of weeks ago.
"I'm fine now; there's nothing to worry about," Frump said. "I've been in mental health facility the past three years. Therapy's been great. I've learned not to have diarrhea squirt out of my buttocks when someone lightly tosses the football to me. I'll admit that my tighty whities become a little bit brown when a football sails toward me at an average velocity or faster, but I'm OK with anything 10 miles per hour or slower."
So, he's still craven. Whatever. People know to treat him with kid gloves, so everything should be OK, right? Well, that was back in Week 1. This past Sunday, however, was a different story.
Frump, who was officiating the Chargers-Broncos contest, had the ball tossed to him lightly. This should not have been an issue by his own admission, but Frump dived out of the way and yelled, "NOOOOO!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, SCARY FOOTBALL!!!"
That's when something bizarre happened. The ball, initially headed for Frump, ricocheted off the ground and into Ryan Mathews' right shoulder. There was a loud, shattering noise, and Mathews was on the ground with his right arm broken into thousands of pieces.
"It hurts!" Mathews cried. "It really hurts, why does the football have to be so painful!?"
The ball then opened up. A hamster, clutching a bottle of mayonnaise and two pieces of toast, crawled out of the ball and headed toward Mathews' backside. However, this case was different than any other. While other players have been violated by acts like this, Mathews' body began liquefying.
"Ahhhhh, I'm melting!" Mathews shrieked. "My glass body cannot handle hamsters and mayonnaise arrrrgghhhhh!!!"
Minutes later, Mathews was just a mere puddle of ooze on the football field. Emmitt, who was fortunate enough to be at the game, observed all of this.
"When I hear that a ref is scare of the ball, a light ball when off in my heads," Emmitt said. "I say to myselves, 'Emmitt Smith IV the Third, somethin' very wrong about these. How a ref can be scare of the football when it is his job to refereeing a game call football?' That is why I fly to the state of San Diego and go to the football game featurin' the Charger and the Bronco because I was very suspicions."
Emmitt approached Frump and handcuffed him.
"You under duress, Mr. Front," Emmitt said. "Maybe you can question my answer at the station about why you scare of the ball and dive, and then the pet hamster and mayonnaise turn Mathew Ryans into a puzzle."
"No, please, Emmitt, don't!" Frump whimpered. "Oh God, what if there are scary guys in jail who throw footballs at me? I'm going to have diarrhea in my clean, new tighty whities!"
Emmitt said nothing and led Frump away. We're not sure how much Frump knows about Bountygate II, but it was nice to see Emmitt take charge of the situation.
MASTERMIND BEHIND BOUNTYGATE II REVEALED?
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2017
It certainly did not take Emmitt very long to get information out of replacement official Jerry Frump. In fact, it was just a manner of hours. Per the police force, Frump folded faster than anyone in history. Fortunately, here at the NFL Bible Network, we have bugs inside the police station, so we were able to observe everything.
Frump was taken to the interrogation room, where Emmitt shone a bright light in Frump's face and then engaged in a conversation with him:
Frump: Oh, God. This bright light is so scary! It's not going to hit me hard or moderately fast, is it?
Emmitt: Well, as the great Einstein Newton once say, e=nc squares, which mean that light travel faster than anythin' in the world, except for maybe Deion Sander or a tiger on roller skate.
Frump: Oh God, the light sounds so fast, please don't let it hit me, Emmitt, please!
Emmitt: You really scare that the light gonna' hit you upside the head? Everyone who saw you overnight in the jail cell say you a craven. I assume this mean you a raven bird with the letter C in front of themselves, but in the encyclopedia it say that craven mean someone who coward. Real coward.
Frump: Emmitt, just please, promise me that the light won't hit me, and I'll say anything. Anything! But I want it in writing first. I want your guarantee that nothing - not even the light or this table or this chair - will hit me. Please, Emmitt, please!
Emmitt: OK, you say you want it in writins' which mean I got to writed it down. I'll be right back. While you wait, do you want any refreshins' like a can of soda or a can of cake?
Frump: Oh God, no. Cake and soda is far too dangerous because it could slip off the table and hit me really hard!
Emmitt left the room and had his superiors draw up an agreement. When Emmitt walked back into the interrogation room, however, he found Frump dead. Frump apparently stashed a cyanide pill in his pocket and ingested it while Emmitt was out of the room. Fortunately, he left a suicide note scribbled on the desk in his wake.
I'm sorry I couldn't wait until you came back. I was happy to get a guarantee that nothing would hit me, but then I realized, what if the agreement hits me? What if the paper falls off the desk and lands on my foot? This will be far too painful, and I don't think I could ever forget that moment. It'll haunt me for all eternity. This is why I have to end things. I hope you understand.
I am a man of my word, so I will tell you what happened before I swallow this pill. Roger Goodell is the one behind it all, Emmitt. He informed me to duck out of the way in that game so the ball containing the hamster and the mayonnaise would hit Ryan Mathews. I mean, I would have ducked out of the way anyway, but I do want you to know that it's Goodell who's the mastermind behind everything. I don't know why he's doing this, but he must be stopped.
Now I must bid the world farewell. It was a cruel world, full of things going too fast that could hit me really hard. Scary things like footballs and plastic bags and fruits and vegetables and lights and papers and pens... Pens! Emmitt, I'm holding a pen! What if it slips out of my hand and bangs my knee! Oh God, oh God, oh God, here were go cyanide, oh God, oh God, oh G
And that was it. Frightened Frump's miserable existence came to an end, but the important news is what he revealed in the second paragraph. Why would the NFL commissioner be the mastermind behind Bountygate II? And if he is, why would he put Emmitt on the case?
It's safe to say that Goodell has tons of questions to answer at his next press conference.