Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 10
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Friday, Nov. 3, 2017
With Emmitt and his crew stranded in Chicago, trying desperately to procure enough money to buy a plane ticket to go to Florida to further investigate Bountygate II, something sinister was bound to happen this weekend in the NFL. Well, we didn't get to the weekend before witnessing the worst violation of Bountygate II.
For those who didn't watch the Thursday night battle between the 49ers and Seahawks, San Francisco scored a touchdown on a long Kendall Hunter run with half a minute remaining to go up 10 points. Head coach Jim Harbaugh, however, told the official that he wanted to decline the touchdown and opt to end the game right on the spot.
There's an old, arcane rule in the NFL, even more obscure than the free kick after a fair catch," Harbaugh revealed during the post-game sideline interview. "It says that if you decline a touchdown with less than half a minute on the clock, you can win the game automatically. We thought it was important to do so because winning by more than eight points would have covered the spread, I mean... what? Who said that? What I meant to say that I wanted to be sure the game was 100-percent over so we couldn't cover, I mean embarrass the other team."
As Harbaugh was finishing up his chat with Alex Flanagan, a fierce gust of wind blew by. Suddenly, former Saints' linebacker Jonathan Vilma was standing there holding a wooden box.
"Uhh... hi, Jonathan," said a suddenly tense Harbaugh, knowing very well that Vilma is one of the ringleaders of Bountygate II. "What brings you here to this game?"
Vilma said nothing initially. He opened the box. Expecting to see the usual hamster, mayonnaise and toast, Harbaugh was taken aback when Vilma revealed a rattlesnake, a bottle of mustard and an Amazon gift card. Harbaugh tried running away, but Vilma grabbed hold of him and tackled him to the ground.
"I bet two units on the 49ers minus-eight because WalterFootball.com told me to, and now because of your dumb antics, I'm two units in the hole!" Vilma shouted. "Now, you're going to be my latest Bountygate II victim so you can feel my suffering!"
Vilma grabbed the items in his box. He covered the hungry rattlesnake with mustard and shoved both into Harbaugh's backside. He then proceeded to insert the Amazon gift card for good measure.
"Oh God, it hurts!" Harbaugh yelped, as Vilma laughed maniacally.
Vilma tried to throw a smoke bomb so he could disappear, but NFL commissioner Roger Goodell restrained him. He put handcuffs on him and walked him to his office, where he told the former linebacker that he would finally be punished for his misdeeds. However, just hours later, Vilma was released.
"I filed an appeal," said a confident Vilma. "The NFL Players' Association agrees with me. Roger Goodell has no proof that I did anything wrong. He says he does, but he won't show it to me, which obviously means that he has nothing and that I'm completely innocent."
We then asked Vilma if he considered our videotape of him shoving a mustard-covered rattlesnake and an Amazon gift card into Harbaugh's backside to be any sort of proof.
"No, not at all, there's no proof," Vilma stated. "The videotapes could have easily been doctored by Commissioner Goodell, just as he plotted against me during the initial Bountygate scandal."
While we once again don't buy Vilma's act, there's no doubt that there will be a long, futile, drawn-out hearing to determine Vilma's guilt or innocence. This is a shame because if he's truly guilty, there will be many other players and coaches who will have rattlesnakes and Amazon gift cards shoved into their rear ends while the NFLPA once again wastes everyone's time.
CAM NEWTON DEMANDS MORE CHANGE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 6, 2017
This past weekend was a disaster for the NFL. Never in league history have so many mustard-covered rattlesnakes and Amazon gift cards been inserted into players' backsides.
It was an astonishing sight. Jonathan Vilma appeared at the Cowboys-Eagles game and attacked Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. He was also at the Steelers-Bengals matchup and took down both quarterbacks. He did the most damage in the Bills-Jets contest, stuffing 17 mustard-covered rattlesnakes and Amazon gift cards into players' rear ends.
How was Vilma at almost every stadium in the NFL at the exact same time? Some theorized that he accessed a wormhole, but there is actual video evidence that he was in eight stadiums at the exact same time. Indeed - Vilma is an evil warlock who can bend time and space and also make duplicate copies of himself.
Why Vilma is so determined to torture NFL players and coaches, we have no idea, but there are two questions that must be answered: First, who's the real culprit behind this? Vilma is obviously one of the ringleaders, but where is he getting all of these hamsters, rattlesnakes, bottles of mustard and mayonnaise, toast and Amazon gift cards? Who's giving him orders? This is something that Emmitt and his crew must discover upon arriving in Florida.
And second, why was he absent from the Panthers' stadium? Indeed, the battle between Carolina and Tampa Bay was the only one not to feature Vilma. There was drama in that contest, however, as Buccaneers' left tackle Donald Penn karate-chopped Panthers' linebacker Luke Kuechly after a play. Official Ron Winter called a personal-foul penalty on Kuechly, however, because Kuechly "violently grabbed his own helmet in pain" after Penn's martial-arts move.
This inane infraction put the Panthers out of field-goal range. Quarterback Cam Newton had to attempt a poorly thrown pass targeted for receiver Brandon LaFell, but it was intercepted to seal the victory for Tampa Bay.
"I don't know, I just don't know anymore, cutie-pie," a sullen Newton said in the post-game press conference. "There... there definitely has to be some change. More change than last time when I fired the general manager, who had nothing to do with that specific game. I demand more change, honeybuns."
It didn't even take a full 24 hours for Newton to receive the change this time, however. Minutes after his meeting with the media, Panthers' officials gathered Kuechly and LaFell. Gagging and tying them up, the officials brought the two parties allegedly responsible for the defeat into a room that had a pair of guillotines. Newton, apparently the executioner, was standing there, awaiting his doomed teammates.
"I'm sorry guys, but I really need change right now because we're losing and it's not my fault - not even 1-percent my fault," Newton said with a low tone. "Now, it's time for you guys to pay the ultimate price for this loss because I can't possibly take any responsibility for it."
Kuechly and LaFell's heads were placed into each of the lunettes. Not wasting any time, Newton flipped both switches simultaneously and ... nothing happened. There was an apparent malfunction, and the relieved Kuechly and LaFell were free to go. As it turns out, however, Newton simply pressed the wrong button.
"I don't know, I just don't know anymore, boo-boo," Newton said with a tear in his eye. "The guillotines didn't work, and even though I pressed the buttons. It wasn't my fault, so I need change. Something obviously has to change, love muffin."
Perhaps the thing that could change is Newton finally taking responsibility for his shortcomings. But that's too much to ask, right?
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - Aug. 20
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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