Emmitt on the Brink - Season 2: Week 9
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
GAMES CANCELED FOR FAVRE EVENT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2014
You could almost see the writing on the wall when the signing was announced in August. When Brett Favre agreed to terms with the Bears, everyone knew that the first meeting between Chicago and Green Bay would draw tons of national attention. And some even predicted this would happen.
In anticipation of Favre's re-return to Lambeau wearing a rival uniform, Roger Goodell announced that all other games would be canceled this weekend, and that every team would be awarded a win.
"As overlord of the NFL, I can do whatever I please," Goodell said. "And what I please is for every single person in America to watch this game. In fact, I will travel to random homes Sunday evening, and if I see the TV not tuned into NBC, I will order the execution of these families."
The Patriots now stand at 8-0. Emmitt said he was pleased with Goodell's decision for two reasons.
"Not only do this give our team a victorious, it also help heal our injury," Emmitt said. "In facts, people can say we kill two stone with one bird, as the old saying go... uhh... umm... three stone..."
With Emmitt befuddled by his own words once again, we turned to Favre, who promised the media that this game isn't about any sort of retribution.
"Packer fans cheer for the Packers first," Favre said. "I know that. But I hope that everyone in the stadium watching Sunday night will say, 'I sure hate those jokers on the other side, but he does play the way he's always played.'"
However, Favre's quote, which sounds eerily similar to one he said after his win at Lambeau as a Viking, didn't quite match his tone in a secret phone conversation between he and Peter King. King, who wanted to know if he had to bring A1 Steak Sauce to Favre's house for the "Post-Packers Thrashing Barbeque" got an earful from Brett and his disdain for the Packers.
"I will destroy Ted Thompson," Favre promised. "I will make it my life mission to sign with all 31 teams in this league and beat the Packers at Lambeau every year. After Sunday night, it'll be two teams down; 29 more to go. The fans who booed me will cry, and I will drink their tears. I will feast on the carcass of Ted Thompson once the Green Bay faithful realize that he is the one at fault for all of this, and then the masses shall worship me again! Muhahahaha! Oh, and definitely bring the A1 Sauce."
When Thompson heard this comment, he wasn't bothered at all. In fact, he seemed more serene than ever.
"Don't worry, Packer fans," Thompson said with a sly grin on his face. "We have something planned for Brett. We learned our lesson from 2009 when our team just fell flat on its face. We have a secret weapon that we will use to end this nonsense."
So, who will win, Favre or the Packers? Better tune in Sunday night - or you might just be executed.
FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 3, 2014
When Ted Thompson revealed that he had a secret weapon against Brett Favre, he wasn't kidding.
The Chicago Bears showed up to the stadium a few hours prior to kickoff. While walking into Lambeau Field, they heard a huge "RRRROOOAAARRR" coming from beneath the stadium.
The sound didn't stop. All throughout warmup, the roars grew louder. The ground occasionally shook. The Packer players didn't seem to mind this, but every Chicago player, excluding Favre, looked around nervously to find the source of this noise.
Eventually, it was time for the coin toss. The Packers won, but happily elected to defer. The Green Bay players even winked and smiled at each other as this was going on.
The Bears advanced the kickoff out to their own 34. Favre took the field. On the first play, he took the snap, fired the ball downfield without even looking, and hooked up on a 30-yard completion to Johnny Knox.
Thompson, who was standing on the sidelines, shook his head and spoke into his walkie-talkie, "I've had enough. Unleash the beast."
Suddenly, a hole opened up in Chicago's end zone. A fat male figure emerged from the shadows. He had short, graying hair and a red goatee. He looked like he was both angry and confused at the same time. As he stepped into the lights, the women in the stands fled for the exits. Tom Cable was on the loose.
"RRRRROOOAAARRRR," Cable growled, slumping toward Favre. At that moment, several Packers grabbed Favre to restrain him.
"Yes, that's it, get Favre, stop him from beating my team," Thompson gleefully cheered on the former Raiders head coach.
Cable was now yards away from Favre when he stopped. A young cheerleader, fresh out of college, still thought the game was going on and was cheering loudly. This obviously caught Cable's attention.
"RRRROOOAAARRR, GIRL MAKE UNNECESSARY NOISE INSTEAD OF MAKE TOM CABLE DINNER!!! ROOOAAAARRR MUST HIT HER!!!" Cable bellowed and began charging at the young female, who still was pretty oblivious to the situation.
"No!" Thompson yelled. "Who cares about the girl!? Get Brett Favre now!"
Cable, however, didn't listen and was preparing his fists for the cheerleader's face.
At this point, the Packers who grabbed Favre loosened their grip. Favre escaped their clutches, picked up a nearby football, and without even looking, launched it toward Cable.
The ball hit Cable right in the head, knocking out the former Raider coach. As Cable's head collided with the ground, his brain, which looked like a small peanut, popped out of his ear. As everyone drew closer, they discovered that Cable's brain was actually a microscopic Keith Hernandez.
"I'm hungry, get some woman to make me dinner," the mini-Hernandez shouted. The cheerleader continued to ignore everything and was now feverishly texting away on her phone.
In the wake of Favre's heroics, Goodell ordered that the Bears would be awarded with a victory. Meanwhile, Goodell stated that he would consider the same treatment for the Packers that he gave to the Patriots in September 2013. Goodell hinted that Michael Irvin would be a prime candidate to take over for Thompson as general manager.
After the game, Favre didn't even mention the incident to the media.
"Am I pleased with the way this game has turned out? Absolutely," Favre said. "It had nothing to do with trying to prove myself to anyone. I still have a passion for it. It's a little bit tougher to get up and bounce back but my arm feels great. My mind is in a good place, the team has welcomed me in and really all the other stuff doesn't matter. I know it makes for a good story. But I'm glad it's over, I'm glad we won but I'm not going to sit here and throw any daggers."
There were no daggers thrown at the Post-Packers Thrashing Barbeque either. In fact, once Favre learned that Irvin replaced Thompson as general manager, Favre stopped the party and forced everyone to leave.
After everyone was out, Favre called Lovie Smith and announced that he was quitting the team. He told Lovie that his mission was complete and that he was done playing football forever.
And for once, everyone actually believes him.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 23
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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