The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
GAMES CANCELED FOR FAVRE EVENT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2014
You could almost see the writing on the wall when the signing was announced in August. When Brett Favre agreed to terms with the Bears, everyone knew that the first meeting between Chicago and Green Bay would draw tons of national attention. And some even predicted this would happen.
In anticipation of Favre's re-return to Lambeau wearing a rival uniform, Roger Goodell announced that all other games would be canceled this weekend, and that every team would be awarded a win.
"As overlord of the NFL, I can do whatever I please," Goodell said. "And what I please is for every single person in America to watch this game. In fact, I will travel to random homes Sunday evening, and if I see the TV not tuned into NBC, I will order the execution of these families."
The Patriots now stand at 8-0. Emmitt said he was pleased with Goodell's decision for two reasons.
"Not only do this give our team a victorious, it also help heal our injury," Emmitt said. "In facts, people can say we kill two stone with one bird, as the old saying go... uhh... umm... three stone..."
With Emmitt befuddled by his own words once again, we turned to Favre, who promised the media that this game isn't about any sort of retribution.
"Packer fans cheer for the Packers first," Favre said. "I know that. But I hope that everyone in the stadium watching Sunday night will say, 'I sure hate those jokers on the other side, but he does play the way he's always played.'"
However, Favre's quote, which sounds eerily similar to one he said after his win at Lambeau as a Viking, didn't quite match his tone in a secret phone conversation between he and Peter King. King, who wanted to know if he had to bring A1 Steak Sauce to Favre's house for the "Post-Packers Thrashing Barbeque" got an earful from Brett and his disdain for the Packers.
"I will destroy Ted Thompson," Favre promised. "I will make it my life mission to sign with all 31 teams in this league and beat the Packers at Lambeau every year. After Sunday night, it'll be two teams down; 29 more to go. The fans who booed me will cry, and I will drink their tears. I will feast on the carcass of Ted Thompson once the Green Bay faithful realize that he is the one at fault for all of this, and then the masses shall worship me again! Muhahahaha! Oh, and definitely bring the A1 Sauce."
When Thompson heard this comment, he wasn't bothered at all. In fact, he seemed more serene than ever.
"Don't worry, Packer fans," Thompson said with a sly grin on his face. "We have something planned for Brett. We learned our lesson from 2009 when our team just fell flat on its face. We have a secret weapon that we will use to end this nonsense."
So, who will win, Favre or the Packers? Better tune in Sunday night - or you might just be executed.
FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 3, 2014
When Ted Thompson revealed that he had a secret weapon against Brett Favre, he wasn't kidding.
The Chicago Bears showed up to the stadium a few hours prior to kickoff. While walking into Lambeau Field, they heard a huge "RRRROOOAAARRR" coming from beneath the stadium.
The sound didn't stop. All throughout warmup, the roars grew louder. The ground occasionally shook. The Packer players didn't seem to mind this, but every Chicago player, excluding Favre, looked around nervously to find the source of this noise.
Eventually, it was time for the coin toss. The Packers won, but happily elected to defer. The Green Bay players even winked and smiled at each other as this was going on.
The Bears advanced the kickoff out to their own 34. Favre took the field. On the first play, he took the snap, fired the ball downfield without even looking, and hooked up on a 30-yard completion to Johnny Knox.
Thompson, who was standing on the sidelines, shook his head and spoke into his walkie-talkie, "I've had enough. Unleash the beast."
Suddenly, a hole opened up in Chicago's end zone. A fat male figure emerged from the shadows. He had short, graying hair and a red goatee. He looked like he was both angry and confused at the same time. As he stepped into the lights, the women in the stands fled for the exits. Tom Cable was on the loose.
"RRRRROOOAAARRRR," Cable growled, slumping toward Favre. At that moment, several Packers grabbed Favre to restrain him.
"Yes, that's it, get Favre, stop him from beating my team," Thompson gleefully cheered on the former Raiders head coach.
Cable was now yards away from Favre when he stopped. A young cheerleader, fresh out of college, still thought the game was going on and was cheering loudly. This obviously caught Cable's attention.
"RRRROOOAAARRR, GIRL MAKE UNNECESSARY NOISE INSTEAD OF MAKE TOM CABLE DINNER!!! ROOOAAAARRR MUST HIT HER!!!" Cable bellowed and began charging at the young female, who still was pretty oblivious to the situation.
"No!" Thompson yelled. "Who cares about the girl!? Get Brett Favre now!"
Cable, however, didn't listen and was preparing his fists for the cheerleader's face.
At this point, the Packers who grabbed Favre loosened their grip. Favre escaped their clutches, picked up a nearby football, and without even looking, launched it toward Cable.
The ball hit Cable right in the head, knocking out the former Raider coach. As Cable's head collided with the ground, his brain, which looked like a small peanut, popped out of his ear. As everyone drew closer, they discovered that Cable's brain was actually a microscopic Keith Hernandez.
"I'm hungry, get some woman to make me dinner," the mini-Hernandez shouted. The cheerleader continued to ignore everything and was now feverishly texting away on her phone.
In the wake of Favre's heroics, Goodell ordered that the Bears would be awarded with a victory. Meanwhile, Goodell stated that he would consider the same treatment for the Packers that he gave to the Patriots in September 2013. Goodell hinted that Michael Irvin would be a prime candidate to take over for Thompson as general manager.
After the game, Favre didn't even mention the incident to the media.
"Am I pleased with the way this game has turned out? Absolutely," Favre said. "It had nothing to do with trying to prove myself to anyone. I still have a passion for it. It's a little bit tougher to get up and bounce back but my arm feels great. My mind is in a good place, the team has welcomed me in and really all the other stuff doesn't matter. I know it makes for a good story. But I'm glad it's over, I'm glad we won but I'm not going to sit here and throw any daggers."
There were no daggers thrown at the Post-Packers Thrashing Barbeque either. In fact, once Favre learned that Irvin replaced Thompson as general manager, Favre stopped the party and forced everyone to leave.
After everyone was out, Favre called Lovie Smith and announced that he was quitting the team. He told Lovie that his mission was complete and that he was done playing football forever.