The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 20, 2017
Just when the other football leagues thought were safe... the Bountygate II culprits struck in the Canadian Football League. It would seem as though the players rumored to be considering transferring over won't be thinking about it any longer.
Could you blame them though? After more than two months of former Saint players appearing out of thin air and shoving various animals and condiments into their backsides, the NFL players were growing weary of being extremely cautious on the field and in the locker room. Now, some might just consider retirement because the CFL being compromised means that there is no safe haven in terms of playing football.
The CFL extended its schedule into November this season, which would explain why a game between Toronto Argonauts and the Montreal Alouettes was taking place so late into the year. Montreal quarterback Matt Cassel, who used to play for the Kansas City Chiefs, had been the league-leader in turnovers heading into the contest. He predictably was having yet another miserable performance.
"I've never seen anything like it," said @SaveOurAlouettes spokesman Terrence Phillip. "Our general manager gave up millions and a second-round pick for that bum, yet he continues to start for no apparent reason. He has to go. Everyone has to go. Please save our Montreal Alouettes!"
Phillip is not exaggerating. Cassel has more turnovers than the entire CFL combined. Through 14 games, he has thrown 618 interceptions. He has also fumbled the ball 101 times.
"It's been rough," Cassel admitted prior to kickoff. "I'm just trying to do the best job possible, though it would help if the fans didn't send me death threats and stuff."
Cassel would likely welcome death threats rather than the alternative at this point. Cassel had just committed his latest turnover in the third quarter when one of his teammates suddenly transformed into former Saints' linebacker Scott Fujita. Cassel, clearly understanding what was about to occur, yelped and ran toward the locker-room tunnel. Suddenly, a security guard wearing the Canadian flag on his vest, turned into former Saints' defensive end Will Smith.
"Now we've got you, Cassel!" Smith snarled while grabbing Cassel.
Fujita sprinted over, opened up a wooden box and pulled out a poisonous toad, barbeque sauce and the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine.
"This isn't personal, Matt," Fujita said, while rubbing the barbeque sauce on the magazine. "We were just paid lots of money to do this. Now, this will sting up a bit..."
Fujita rammed the poisonous toad and the barbeque-covered ESPN the Magazine issue up Cassel's buttocks. The two former Saint players then disappeared, leaving Cassel lying there in their wake.
The Canadian crowd, witnessing what just transpired, roared in utter exuberance. They were standing and applauding to the complete dismay of Montreal right tackle Eric Winston.
"When you cheer, when you cheer somebody getting an animal, a magazine and a condiment shoved up their behind, I don't care who it is - and it just so happened to be Matt Cassel - it's sickening. It's 100-percent sickening," Winston said. "I've been in some rough times on some rough teams, I've never been more embarrassed in my life to play football than in that moment right there.
"I get emotional about it because these guys, they work their butts off so it sucks that they have to get violated in their butts," Winston continued. "Matt Cassel hasn't done anything to you people, hasn't done anything to you people except throw hundreds of interceptions. Hasn't done anything to the media writers that kill him, hasn't done anything wrong to the people that come out here and cheer him except lead the Alouettes to a 1-12 record. Hey, if he's not the best quarterback then he's not the best quarterback and that's OK. But he's a person. And he got a poisonous toad and a barbeque-covered ESPN the Magazine shoved into his rear end in a game and we have 70,000 people cheering that he got so violated?"
That evening, Winston flew down to Chicago and sought Emmitt's help. Now that the CFL is trying its hardest to eliminate the Bountygate II perpetrators, perhaps we'll get a resolution to it quickly.
EMMITT AND CREW FINALLY SECURE FUNDS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Nov. 22, 2017
It took Emmitt and his friends several weeks to secure enough money to fly to Florida so they could finally unmask the mastermind behind Bountygate II, but they finally got the job done. An arrest, a credit-card theft and a bizarre wedding that was nearly ruined all seem like a million years ago at this point.
How did Emmitt's crew manage to finally obtain the appropriate amount of funds? Well, it seemed bleak when Emmitt ordered his crew to do whatever it took.
"Desperate time called for desperate measurements," Emmitt said in a meeting he called at the hotel lobby. "We has to do whatever it taked to get enough fund to travel all the way up to the city of Florida."
The entire complement of Emmitt's company was at this meeting, save for Shannon Sharpe, who was mysteriously absent.
"Now, I give everybody task that they suited in, and when I say suited, I do not mean the shirt or dress you wear to a weddin', business meetin' or Barn Matzo, which the Jewish thing where the man turn into a boy."
Brandon Marshall was asked to check every McDonald's bag in the city for food left behind. The plan was for Marshall to sell this food back to McDonald's somehow. He managed to find a half-eaten cheeseburger in one of the bags.
"Hey man, what can I get for this half-eaten cheeseburger?" Marshall asked a McDonald's cashier, who looked very perplexed by the question.
"Umm... sir, we don't actually buy back the food we sell to you," the cashier said, "But, you know, I'm actually pretty hungry, so I'll give you like 10 cents for it."
"Deal!" Marshall exclaimed. He pocketed the dime, which unfortunately was the only currency he would receive that day. It cost him a dollar to take the bus back to the hotel, so he lost 90 cents in the process.
Eric Mangini, meanwhile, was asked to check women's bras for any money.
"Emmitt told me that women like to put money in their bras," Mangini told us. "I had no idea about this! Had I known, I would have reached into more bras than I've already done when I was a single man."
Mangini pocketed $17.48, which wasn't nearly enough. His new bride had even less luck.
"Why brack guy ask me sell jewerry?" Asian Erin Andrews asked with a scowl. "Brack guy have ring on finger, it say Super Bowr. What kind of bowr worth making a ring on finger? He need serr ring before I serr any my jewerry! I terr him I try serr jewerry, but nobody want buy jewerry!"
Emmitt and Eric Winston pocketed the most money, but it wasn't enough. Emmitt earned $50 signing autographs at a local memorabilia store, while Winston came up with $80 by starting a foundation called Protecting Crappy Quarterbacks from Angry Fans. Matt Cassel donated $50, while Donovan McNabb threw in $30.
As the five walked into the hotel, they were greeted by Sharpe, who was beaming.
"Where has you been, Steven?" Emmitt asked. "I write up a tasked for you to make money for the plane ticket so we can drive up to Florida. The FBI need somebody who can deciphes code and stuff and because you can talk and nobody understanded you, maybe you can understanded code."
"GFhowieh gog wrw gnr owg popcorn kerjn erjg oiwgo wenodsnl nfb nernheloeh raisin ofn lhn el aodnv fkjnb tnh mint ern osd jeno nerl etl," Sharpe said in complete disagreement.
Sharpe then picked up a duffle bag near his feet. He unzipped it, revealing thousands of dollars in cash. Everyone gasped, including Asian Erin Andrews.
"Whoa, brack guy, I never rearize you so sexy," Asian Erin Andrews said, fanning herself. "Maybe we can go back to hoter room and you can buy me jewerry."
Mangini, who was too shocked to hear his wife's blatant flirtation with Sharpe, asked where the money came from. Sharpe just shrugged it off.
As everyone was celebrating, Sharpe nodded his head at a Chinese spy standing across the street. Emmitt noticed this, but when he looked toward that direction, the spy had already disappeared. Of course, he didn't give this much thought; after all, he and his group were finally headed for Florida.