Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 12
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 20, 2017
Just when the other football leagues thought were safe... the Bountygate II culprits struck in the Canadian Football League. It would seem as though the players rumored to be considering transferring over won't be thinking about it any longer.
Could you blame them though? After more than two months of former Saint players appearing out of thin air and shoving various animals and condiments into their backsides, the NFL players were growing weary of being extremely cautious on the field and in the locker room. Now, some might just consider retirement because the CFL being compromised means that there is no safe haven in terms of playing football.
The CFL extended its schedule into November this season, which would explain why a game between Toronto Argonauts and the Montreal Alouettes was taking place so late into the year. Montreal quarterback Matt Cassel, who used to play for the Kansas City Chiefs, had been the league-leader in turnovers heading into the contest. He predictably was having yet another miserable performance.
"I've never seen anything like it," said @SaveOurAlouettes spokesman Terrence Phillip. "Our general manager gave up millions and a second-round pick for that bum, yet he continues to start for no apparent reason. He has to go. Everyone has to go. Please save our Montreal Alouettes!"
Phillip is not exaggerating. Cassel has more turnovers than the entire CFL combined. Through 14 games, he has thrown 618 interceptions. He has also fumbled the ball 101 times.
"It's been rough," Cassel admitted prior to kickoff. "I'm just trying to do the best job possible, though it would help if the fans didn't send me death threats and stuff."
Cassel would likely welcome death threats rather than the alternative at this point. Cassel had just committed his latest turnover in the third quarter when one of his teammates suddenly transformed into former Saints' linebacker Scott Fujita. Cassel, clearly understanding what was about to occur, yelped and ran toward the locker-room tunnel. Suddenly, a security guard wearing the Canadian flag on his vest, turned into former Saints' defensive end Will Smith.
"Now we've got you, Cassel!" Smith snarled while grabbing Cassel.
Fujita sprinted over, opened up a wooden box and pulled out a poisonous toad, barbeque sauce and the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine.
"This isn't personal, Matt," Fujita said, while rubbing the barbeque sauce on the magazine. "We were just paid lots of money to do this. Now, this will sting up a bit..."
Fujita rammed the poisonous toad and the barbeque-covered ESPN the Magazine issue up Cassel's buttocks. The two former Saint players then disappeared, leaving Cassel lying there in their wake.
The Canadian crowd, witnessing what just transpired, roared in utter exuberance. They were standing and applauding to the complete dismay of Montreal right tackle Eric Winston.
"When you cheer, when you cheer somebody getting an animal, a magazine and a condiment shoved up their behind, I don't care who it is - and it just so happened to be Matt Cassel - it's sickening. It's 100-percent sickening," Winston said. "I've been in some rough times on some rough teams, I've never been more embarrassed in my life to play football than in that moment right there.
"I get emotional about it because these guys, they work their butts off so it sucks that they have to get violated in their butts," Winston continued. "Matt Cassel hasn't done anything to you people, hasn't done anything to you people except throw hundreds of interceptions. Hasn't done anything to the media writers that kill him, hasn't done anything wrong to the people that come out here and cheer him except lead the Alouettes to a 1-12 record. Hey, if he's not the best quarterback then he's not the best quarterback and that's OK. But he's a person. And he got a poisonous toad and a barbeque-covered ESPN the Magazine shoved into his rear end in a game and we have 70,000 people cheering that he got so violated?"
That evening, Winston flew down to Chicago and sought Emmitt's help. Now that the CFL is trying its hardest to eliminate the Bountygate II perpetrators, perhaps we'll get a resolution to it quickly.
EMMITT AND CREW FINALLY SECURE FUNDS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Nov. 22, 2017
It took Emmitt and his friends several weeks to secure enough money to fly to Florida so they could finally unmask the mastermind behind Bountygate II, but they finally got the job done. An arrest, a credit-card theft and a bizarre wedding that was nearly ruined all seem like a million years ago at this point.
How did Emmitt's crew manage to finally obtain the appropriate amount of funds? Well, it seemed bleak when Emmitt ordered his crew to do whatever it took.
"Desperate time called for desperate measurements," Emmitt said in a meeting he called at the hotel lobby. "We has to do whatever it taked to get enough fund to travel all the way up to the city of Florida."
The entire complement of Emmitt's company was at this meeting, save for Shannon Sharpe, who was mysteriously absent.
"Now, I give everybody task that they suited in, and when I say suited, I do not mean the shirt or dress you wear to a weddin', business meetin' or Barn Matzo, which the Jewish thing where the man turn into a boy."
Brandon Marshall was asked to check every McDonald's bag in the city for food left behind. The plan was for Marshall to sell this food back to McDonald's somehow. He managed to find a half-eaten cheeseburger in one of the bags.
"Hey man, what can I get for this half-eaten cheeseburger?" Marshall asked a McDonald's cashier, who looked very perplexed by the question.
"Umm... sir, we don't actually buy back the food we sell to you," the cashier said, "But, you know, I'm actually pretty hungry, so I'll give you like 10 cents for it."
"Deal!" Marshall exclaimed. He pocketed the dime, which unfortunately was the only currency he would receive that day. It cost him a dollar to take the bus back to the hotel, so he lost 90 cents in the process.
Eric Mangini, meanwhile, was asked to check women's bras for any money.
"Emmitt told me that women like to put money in their bras," Mangini told us. "I had no idea about this! Had I known, I would have reached into more bras than I've already done when I was a single man."
Mangini pocketed $17.48, which wasn't nearly enough. His new bride had even less luck.
"Why brack guy ask me sell jewerry?" Asian Erin Andrews asked with a scowl. "Brack guy have ring on finger, it say Super Bowr. What kind of bowr worth making a ring on finger? He need serr ring before I serr any my jewerry! I terr him I try serr jewerry, but nobody want buy jewerry!"
Emmitt and Eric Winston pocketed the most money, but it wasn't enough. Emmitt earned $50 signing autographs at a local memorabilia store, while Winston came up with $80 by starting a foundation called Protecting Crappy Quarterbacks from Angry Fans. Matt Cassel donated $50, while Donovan McNabb threw in $30.
As the five walked into the hotel, they were greeted by Sharpe, who was beaming. "Where has you been, Steven?" Emmitt asked. "I write up a tasked for you to make money for the plane ticket so we can drive up to Florida. The FBI need somebody who can deciphes code and stuff and because you can talk and nobody understanded you, maybe you can understanded code."
"GFhowieh gog wrw gnr owg popcorn kerjn erjg oiwgo wenodsnl nfb nernheloeh raisin ofn lhn el aodnv fkjnb tnh mint ern osd jeno nerl etl," Sharpe said in complete disagreement.
Sharpe then picked up a duffle bag near his feet. He unzipped it, revealing thousands of dollars in cash. Everyone gasped, including Asian Erin Andrews.
"Whoa, brack guy, I never rearize you so sexy," Asian Erin Andrews said, fanning herself. "Maybe we can go back to hoter room and you can buy me jewerry."
Mangini, who was too shocked to hear his wife's blatant flirtation with Sharpe, asked where the money came from. Sharpe just shrugged it off.
As everyone was celebrating, Sharpe nodded his head at a Chinese spy standing across the street. Emmitt noticed this, but when he looked toward that direction, the spy had already disappeared. Of course, he didn't give this much thought; after all, he and his group were finally headed for Florida.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
NFL Picks - Dec. 10
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 7
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 6
2014 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 4
2014 NBA Mock Draft - Nov. 21
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 4
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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