The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Feb. 8, 2019
It took DeSean Jackson a couple of days to get things straightened out at the Crips' headquarters. Half the building burned down because of Jim Irsay's stolen propane tanks. The members of the Crips were completely distraught until Jackson presented them with the Justin Bieber music videos that Emmitt and his friends retrieved from the Bloods' hideout.
"I'm eternally grateful that I once again get to rub my gang brothers' nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos," said Bob Costas, a long-time Crips member. "I now realize that life is precious, so I'm not going to bother anyone with my lengthy halftime rants anymore. I had a whole speech prepared about how the Chicago Bears should change their name because of all the bear attacks that have occurred over the past 500 years, but I've decided to let that one go."
Everyone should be thanking Emmitt and his friends for finally shutting up Costas at long last.
Jackson, who assisted in the repairs, made some time to explain himself to Emmitt.
"I'm sorry to put you through everything, but those Justin Bieber videos are all us Crips have left," Jackson said. "I'll uphold my end of the bargain and lead you to the second scion of the Walking Buc Apocalypse."
"I just has one question," Emmitt replied. "Is this scion that you talking about have the color red and in the shape of circle, but I have seened this stop scion before."
Jackson then told the group that they needed to head west - all the way out to California.
"The city of California right near the Specific Ocean," Emmitt said after whipping out his trusty atlas. Everyone nodded in agreement.
By Wednesday, Jackson finished all of the crucial immediate repairs to his headquarters and packed up his Toyota Sienna. Ray Rice and Josh Gordon looked at him in disbelief.
"What?" Jackson asked defensively. "The Toyota Sienna was voted safest minivan according to three different Internet sites, and it was the only minivan to rate five out of five in terms of dependability. Us Crips used it all the time when we loaded everyone up and drove over to the local youth soccer games."
Once everything was packed, Jackson, Emmitt, Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Bob Kraft, Jerry Jones, Johnny Manziel and Jim Irsay piled into the minivan.
"Buckle your safety belts because we're going on a road trip!" Jackson exclaimed.
The eight men drove around the panhandle and then ventured west toward California. It was an uneventful trip, save for Jim Irsay stopping for several vomit breaks for drug withdrawal. They passed by hordes of Walking Bucs, but the zombified people didn't even have time to share their toiletries before the Toyota Sienna zoomed by.
Everything seemed to be going smoothly until they reached a blockade in Texas. A wall with giant, metallic plate doors stood there, sealing off the road. Jackson stepped out of the vehicle to find out what the meaning of this was, but didn't notice that there were men on top of the wall pointing sniper rifles at him.
"Sorry guys, we're just trying to pass through on our way to California," Jackson said. "Is there any way you can let us drive through? I'll even let you rub my nipples while we watch some Justin Bieber videos in front of a fireplace."
"No one passes through," the man grunted in response.
The metallic doors opened, and before Emmitt and his crew knew what hit them, they were surrounded by a throng of people wielding guns.
"He'll decide what to do with you," the man mumbled.
"Did he say he?" Rice whimpered. "How can we possibly overcome a man!?"
The gun-carriers led the eight men into a building and waited in a room with a giant, oak desk near a window. Before long, the doors finally opened. An angry-looking, middle-aged man looked at them menacingly.
"I'm Gus Bradley," he sneered. "But you can call me by my official title in this town: the Secretary of Education."
EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Feb. 10, 2019
Gus Bradley wasn't as bad as he seemed - at first. The Secretary of Education gave Emmitt and his friends a tour of the town, which was called Snozzberry. The people of Snozzberry remarkably were able to sustain themselves during the Walking Buc apocalypse, thanks to farms, a deep well and even an Arby's where they served sandwiches for free.
"No currency here," Bradley said. "You do your work, and you'll be properly taken care of. This is a perfect society."
Bradley seemed a bit disturbed when Bob Kraft ordered 35 Arby's sandwiches and then proclaimed that he would've gotten more but had run out of room in his man purse.
Emmitt and his friends were permitted to stay in a dormitory, where they showered. It was great to feel hot water for what seemed like the first time in ages.
During breakfast the following morning, Bradley brought up the idea that they could all remain in Snozzberry and be a part of the community.
"I think this sounds like a great idea," Kraft said when Bradley left the room. "We won't have to worry about the Walking Bucs anymore. We can just stay here for the rest of our lives and be happy."
"Have you forgotten about our mission?" Johnny Manziel snapped. "Bob, we need to find the other two scions so we can put an end to the Walking Buc apocalypse."
"But they have free Arby's..." Kraft whined.
DeSean Jackson confronted Kraft after everyone else left.
"Bob, you're important to me, so I don't want you to remain behind," Jackson said. "Besides, I think there's something funny going on with the Secretary of Education. I can't put my finger on it, but something's off with him."
Kraft just shook his head, and they parted ways. Later that night, Jackson hid in the bushes on the side of Bradley's house. He watched as Kraft walked to the front door and knocked on it. Bradley answered and beamed upon seeing Kraft.
"Let's go get some more Arby's sandwiches," he said warmly.
The two men departed, and that's when Jackson sprang into action. He snuck into the Secretary of Education's house and rummaged through his drawers and closets.
I need something to expose this guy, so everyone sees how evil he is, he thought, but was getting more discouraged by the minute because he couldn't find anything. He was about to give up hope when he heard some murmuring coming from the bedroom bookshelf. He immediately spotted the scratch marks on the adjacent floor, so he moved the shelf, revealing a door.
Jackson opened it, and his heart jumped. A mustachioed man in his late 30s was chained to the wall. The man had so many boils and bruises on his face that it took Jackson a while to recognize who it was. It was Bradley's former quarterback, Chad Henne.
"Please, share my napkin," Henne pleaded. "How about a tissue? I have plenty of those."
Jackson slammed the door and put the shelf back where it was. He then hid behind the couch and held a special Crips weapon, waiting for Bradley to come back home. It seemed like Jackson waited for hours. He was getting tired, and he shut his heavy eyes.
The scratching snapped Jackson out of his slumber. It startled him, and he nearly dropped his weapon. He was able to catch it right before it hit the ground.
"How's my precious Chad Henne doing!?" Bradley exclaimed. "Who deserves to start over Blake Bortles? You do! Yes, you do!"
Jackson decided it was time. He charged at the Secretary of Education, knocking him over.
"Why do you have Walking Bucs in your house!?" Jackson shouted.
"He's my precious Chad Henne!" Bradley cried in response.
"You don't get to have Walking Bucs and keep Bob Kraft here!" Jackson yelled, taking his weapon, special Crips' pepper spray, and spewing it at Henne's nipple. The Walking Buc cried in agony.
"No, my precious! My precious!" Bradley shrieked, launching himself at Jackson. However, the former receiver was too nimble, spraying Bradley's nipple in response. Bradley moaned in agony.
"That's the special Crips' nipple eraser!" Jackson said proudly. "Now you won't even be able to touch your own nipples while watching Justin Bieber videos!"
Jackson sprinted out of the house, while the one-nippled Bradley hit the alarm. Sounds blared throughout town, and Jackson found Emmitt and his friends standing outside of their dormitory.
"What happened?" Josh Gordon asked.
"The Secretary of Education... he has Walking Bucs in his house!" Jackson yelled. "Come on, everyone's distracted, so we can get into the Toyota Sienna and get the hell out of here!"
Seven of the eight men piled into the vehicle. Kraft shook his head.
"I can't go," he said.
"But... I need you, Bob!" Jackson cried.
"I love him... I love the Secretary. He gives me free Arby's."
Jackson and Kraft embraced. The former then hopped into the minivan, and the party sped off, once more heading toward California.