The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Thursday, Dec. 12, 2013
The Patriots were nearly in danger of missing their head coach for the second time in five weeks. As the players and coaching staff boarded the plane to their international neutral site game against the Bills, the team suddenly panicked. Emmitt forgot his passport.
"I forgot my teleport," Emmitt said. "I almost could not teleport to the game... games."
Luckily, as Emmitt apologized to his team for not being able to make the flight, Bills coach Boomer Esiason approached him and handed Emmitt his passport.
"I knew Emmitt would do something as stupid as this," Esiason said. "Emmitt is really stupid, but not as stupid as Dan Marino. No one's that dumb."
Esiason told the media that he broke into Emmitt's hotel room once he realized that Emmitt forgot his passport.
So how did Esiason break into Emmitt's hotel room? And why did he do it in the first place?
"I used my ninja skills to do it," Esiason explained. "I'm a 126th-degree blackbelt. No one is higher than me. Dan Marino's not even close. But anyway, I wanted Emmitt at the game. I can coach circles around him, just like I argue circles around Dan Marino. Dan Marino sucks."
Both teams will have all hands on deck for the NFL's first game ever in Afghanistan.
"We tried London, and we tried Toronto, and we even tried Hong Kong, and they all worked well," Roger Goodell said. "Then, I brilliantly realized that we need to expand even further. There's a huge market in Afghanistan ready to happen."
Robert Kraft, who does not plan on flying over, endorsed Goodell's idea.
"Arby's is having a three-for-one special on roast beef sandwiches, so I will not be able to attend," Kraft said. "However, I am thinking of building an Arby's in Afghanistan. Those poor people over there need one. Arby's will diminish all hunger problems in that country."
Unfortunately, only 200 tickets were sold at Osama B. Laden Field, all of which were from the corporate sponsors. Goodell, however, remains confident.
"I've hired the perfect guy to take care of the job," Goodell stated. "Chris Berman will convince all of those people to pay hundreds of dollars for these tickets. Not only is Chris very funny, he also can speak Afghanistanese. I know this because I heard his great French accent on the NFL Blitz. With an accent that great, he can obviously speak any language in the world."
Goodell better hope that this is a success. After last week's gummy bear fiasco, the NFL needs all the positive PR it can get.
PATRIOTS OUTLAST BILLS IN AFGHANISTAN
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Dec. 16, 2013
So much for Roger Goodell's plan.
The Patriots defeated the Bills, 34-31, in front of only three people at Osama B. Laden Field in Afghanistan.
Of the three patrons, two were prostitutes who were looking for work after the game. The other was a drunken bum who was passed out on the bleachers for most of the event.
The game itself was entertaining. Colt Brennan tied the contest at 31 with 90 seconds remaining in regulation with a 26-yard touchdown pass to Ricky Proehl. On the ensuing drive, Anthony Morelli put together an eight-play, 53-yard drive, setting up a 48-yard field goal, which sailed right through the uprights.
Morelli shocked all Patriot fans by putting together an economical, 16-of-27, 145-yard, one-touchdown performance. In the post-game press conference, Morelli shocked reporters by revealing that he wasn't drunk for the first time all year.
"That was a great win, but to tell you the truth, I'm not too happy right now," Morelli said. "I'm used to drinking every day, but I couldn't because alcohol is illegal in Afghanistan. This is no fun. How does one live life sober?"
However, that wasn't the whole story. A few interesting things happened in this contest.
In the first quarter, Boomer Esiason was ejected for cursing off the officials. According to reports, Esiason barked, "You suck almost as much as Dan Marino!"
Near the end of the first half, terrorists positioned themselves on the roof of the stadium and fired rounds of bullets at the players and coaching staff. Luckily, no one was hurt, though one shot smashed through Romeo Crennel's jelly doughnut. An enraged Crennel retaliated by focusing more on his defensive scheme. Patriots offensive coordinator Brad Childress was also pretty pissed.
"Those damn bullets ruined my offense," Childress complained. "I wanted to use my Jeff Dugan package, but with those bullets flying through the air, I had to resort to having Morelli throw the ball to Randy Moss and Wes Welker. Those jerks are going to pay!"
Early in the fourth quarter, the drunken bum awakened from his deep slumber, stumbled on to the field and passed out on the 50-yard line. Upon inspection, both coaching staffs realized that the bum was none other than Latrell Sprewell.
"Couldn't feed my family... How can I feed my family with $27 million?" Sprewell mumbled in his sleep, as he was dragged off the field.
Despite all the no-shows and terrorists, Goodell said he was pleased.
"I feel as though this was a success," Goodell said. "Our execution was a little poor. Perhaps if we bribe some Afghanistanian kids with burning American flags, they'll show up to the game next time. In fact, I'm confident we'll have a packed house when the Bills play next year's game in Osama B. Laden Field. All we have to do from our end is get the bathrooms to work and move all of the goats out of the concession stands, and we're good."
Making sure Sprewell doesn't vomit on Buffalo's sideline would also be a plus.